Why is this on my Visa bill?
What began as an ordinary catch-up-on-finances afternoon escalates into a crisis.
I thought they’d agreed to cover my hotel cost.
A frantic search of my saved emails quickly proves my memory correct.
This charge is a mistake.
I call the hotel to explain that the organization that booked my original reservation should have been charged for my stay, not me. I’d only given my credit card in case of “incidentals,” but I’d incurred none.
Minutes later, I slam the phone down.
Nothing makes me see red quite like hearing, “I’m sorry Ma’am, but there’s nothing we can do on our end.”
It’s bad enough that I have to fix someone else’s mistake. But now I have to write an email about it?!?
I heave a nothing-irritates-me-more-than-inconvenience sigh and search for the necessary email address.
The Conciliatory Approach
Dear Jane —
I am so sorry to inconvenience you.
I totally messed up and somehow managed to charge my entire hotel stay to my own Visa card. My bad!
I’ve attached the hotel receipt for your reference.
Can you help me figure out my next step in resolving this situation?
Thank you SO much for your time and assistance!
Sincerely,
Cheri
This email only sounds conciliatory.
As a life-long People-Pleaser, I can keep my passive-aggressive hidden agenda just under the radar.
Here’s a truthful translation of the above email:
- I am so sorry to inconvenience you. = If you’re a decent human being, you’ll take my hint and apologize for inconveniencing me!
- Somehow, I totally messed up and managed to charge my entire hotel stay to my Visa card. = This is your golden opportunity to assure me that I didn’t mess up—someone on your end did.
- I’ve attached the hotel receipt. = Here’s irrefutable, concrete proof that I’m right.
- Can you help figure out my next steps in resolving this situation? = You know as well as I do that my next steps are (a) receiving your prompt apology and (b) depositing my refund check.
One problem with this approach is that it can backfire if the recipient takes it at face value and believes that you really are at fault.
The far bigger problem, of course, is that it’s downright dishonest.
The Crabby Approach
Dear Jane —
While updating my finances today, I was dismayed to discover that I have been erroneously charged for the entire hotel stay that Your Organization promised to pay.
My hotel receipt, which clearly shows the exact amount that was incorrectly charged to my Visa card, is attached as evidence.
Please issue an immediate refund. My Visa bill is due in 10 days, and I certainly don’t want to pay interest on an unauthorized charge.
Sincerely,
Cheri
While this approach may produce quick results, it’s the relational equivalent of dousing a bridge with kerosene and tossing a lighted match on it.
It’s tempting to tell myself, “It doesn’t matter if I burn this one bridge.” But bridge-burning is habit forming. And before you know it, you’ve got a lot of scorched earth to look back on.
The Curt Approach
Dear Jane —
I was charged for the entire hotel stay that Your Organization agreed to pay for.
Proof of payment is attached.
Let me know when I can expect my reimbursement check.
Sincerely,
Cheri
At first glance, this approach doesn’t look “as bad” as the previous one. It’s clear and efficient. But it’s also sterile.
Which means it misses a great opportunity for bridge-building.
The Connected Approach
Hi Jane —
Just when you thought you were done with me and my hotel reservation, I’m back to bug you. (Will it help to tell you up front that I make excellent homemade baklava?!?)
I just checked my Visa statement and was surprised to see a charge for $###.##. I called the hotel, and they basically said, “We can’t help you, but Jane can. Jane’s your gal.”
At your convenience, would you help me figure out if I’m finally losing my mind … or if perhaps the hotel got some wires crossed?
In His Delight,
Cheri
Clearly, this isn’t a copy-and-paste approach. These words worked for me; you’ll have to find the words that work for you.
My goals in writing my email this way were to:
- Communicate the problem clearly
- Create a sense of safety with some humor
- Acknowledge that the recipient is a hard-working professional
- Position the recipient to become the solution-finding hero of the story
- Move myself from “baditude” to gratitude
From Baditude to Gratitude
God’s been leading me on a journey from “baditude” to gratitude for more than a decade, now.
I’m trading my life-long habit of over-apologizing for a new habit of expressing gratitude to those who lend me a helping hand.
Seeking gratitude keeps me from missing the point as much as I used to.
And even when someone else’s mistake creates a mess for me to clean up, I’m finding freedom in exchanging my baditude for genuine gratitude.
Go-To Verses About Gratitude
It’s been six years since my very first blog challenge: 30 days of replacing “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude. Since then, I’ve become even more convinced that:
- Gratitude changes everything.
- Scripture is the key to being transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).
A few of my favorite go-to verses about gratitude include:
Psalm 9:1
I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
Romans 7:25a
Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
1 Corinthians 15:57
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Colossians 3:15-17
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
…give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Gratitude is the one simple solution to every problem we face.
It may not be the entire solution to any problem.
But it’s always powerful place to start.
Cheri,
Thanks for these examples. What I thought & wrote was a professional approach; on “paper” I see that it isn’t. What a wake up call for me!!!! I want to be a light in the world and thank you for showing me how.
Blessings
Rowen — So glad you found the examples helpful! I had the same wake-up call even as I wrote this post. I’m finding that while the Connected Approach may feel like it takes a bit more time, it’s way more fun.
Thank you for sharing. My favorite verse right now is Romans 12:2. I feel God is guiding me each time I see it in a different context to renew my mind in “this area” as well. I will remember this the next time I need to respond to an email that at first makes me upset; my response should reflects God’s plan not mine.
Vicki — I love your intentionality in applying Romans 12:2 … to expect it to apply in every context and anticipate that God will show you how!
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today! Thank you so much for a timely and powerful message!
Pam — So glad put our hearts on a collision course once again, friend! <3
Thanks for schooling is in the ways of e-mail diplomacy. This is something I really need to work on — especially when I am freaking out. I have learned it’s a good thing. to step away from the computer and get a little perspective before I reply.
Heya Lyli — freaking out + email = not a good mix!!! You are SO wise to step away. Especially since people usually read the worst possible intention into written communication … while we expect them to give us the greatest possible benefit of the doubt! (It’s kind of a miracle that we ever communicate, really!)
It has taken me 50 years on this earth to be bold enough to speak up for myself in a gracious way. Your blog has helped make that possible. I am a treasured child of God. I am not a doormat, people-pleaser. It is possible to keep the peace with your words. I have found that sometimes it can only happen with a phone call because sometimes even the best email can be interpreted incorrectly. Tone of voice may be necessary for those very prickly relationships.
Susan — “I am a treasured child of God. I am not a doormat, people-pleaser. It is possible to keep the peace with your words. ” Oh, you’ve brought tears to my eyes. I want to stand up and cheer!!! And you are so right … tone of voice is SO vital, and often a written response will only make things worse
Great word, Cheri!
If I may indulge in what struck me….?
CLEARLY communicate.
I’ve been under attack, mostly at work, about my lack of communication skills. Particularly spoken. And the more condescending my boss and others get, the more anxious and worse I get trying to please, undo harm of their perception of me, and reverse the damage to any confidence that may remain.
Ha! I’ve probably done a poor job just trying to relay what my issue is! But it’s very troublesome to my heart. 😥
lc — The older I get, the more amazed I am that any communication succeeds ever. There is so much room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding … we’re all such complicated beings with such different backgrounds and experiences that we bring to each relationship. I’m learning that self-compassion (which is different from self-esteem) goes a long way to dial down my anxieties and help me take difficult communication scenarios one step at a time. Praying for you, friend!
You’re so right, Cheri!
Sometimes we mistake conciliatory for kind, so we feel any response can EITHER be “kind” (a doormat taking full responsibility) OR make our feelings known (crabby). And then curt feels like the in-between (making our feelings known in an unemotional way).
When the reality is the true middle ground and appropriate response is with gratitude and compassion, while making connection our goal! Great reminder!
Kendra — Ah, yes … the ever-present challenge for the recovering perfectionist: recognizing either-or thinking and seeking a 3rd alternative!
This is something we all face, just about every day. How do I politely and graciously say that the other person is at fault and not make either of us look bad? I, also, have been learning for a few years about turning a bad attitude into gratitude. My mom gave me a book about being grateful a few years ago and now every morning I take the time to write down 3 things I am grateful for. Sometimes items get repeated and just this week was grateful for chigger bites and their remedies. (Still trying to make the bites go away.)
Thank you for this post and the reminders to stay positive and do your best to be kind in all we do!!
Heather — “How do I politely and graciously say that the other person is at fault and not make either of us look bad?” Yes! You’ve summed up the issue SO perfectly. And YES to writing gratitude … for good and bad … and for repeats!
Cheri, I totally liked your conciliatory response!!!
Ouch, seems like I have baditudes. I probably have written things like that.
Elaine — And the scary thing is that the Conciliatory response came out of my fingertips like lightening. It comes SO naturally … so grateful that God keeps working on our hearts!!!