Questions My Daughter’s Tattoos Make Me Ask Myself
A few months after I’d discovered Annemarie’s tattoos, my solo performing class did a brainstorming exercise called, “The truth is…”
The instructions were simple:
- Start with the words, “The truth is…” and keep writing for 10 minutes.
Here’s what I wrote, almost two years ago:
The truth is that I do not understand why my daughter’s tattoos upset me.
- Is it because she was so adamant that she would never get one and now has not just one but who knows how many up her arms, down her back, and over her chest?
- Is it because I know and her dad doesn’t and when he finds out he is going to hit the roof and I will be to blame somehow even if I can manage to not be home when it happens?
- Is it because I worked so hard to keep her skin un-scarred for so many years that the thought of purposefully using needles and drawing blood just does not compute?
- Is it because I wonder what will be the next thing that she was never going to do that I’m going to find out she’s already done?
- Is it because I tried so hard to give her all the freedoms I never had growing up but I didn’t mean for her to squander her freedom on tattoos?
- Is it because of the money? Everything I’ve denied myself, never dreaming she was using my sacrifices to indulge in what I consider luxury?
- Is it because they represent, in black and white and red and green and orange and purple, all my parenting failures, permanently etched for the world to see?
- Is it because I envy her?
- Is it because I resent how far she’s gone with her freedoms?
- Is it because those tattoos mock me each time I see them, reminding me how safe I still play this game called life?
I can’t give you easy answers to any of these.
I can tell you that questions are great antidotes to the angst of rigid judgmentalism.
The more questions I ask–of myself and Annemarie–the more curious I become.
And curious is a far better place to be than where I was two years ago.
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Hi Cheri,
I have been following your blog with great personal interest since you started this series. For a long time now I’ve been wanting to comment but wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to say but I will do my best to put my feelings into words. You have known me since I was a hyper loud little 8th grader and that person ,while hopefully has grown up, is is still inside even though I just recently got my 6th tattoo. Without going off on a tangent I think it is one of the biggest problems I have with our church. As children, we our taught to love and accept everyone, as adults we are taught that if someone is different they must be into something “bad”. I have a hard time living my life that way and I can’t teach my children that either. I know to many people covered in tattoos and piercings who would give you the shirt off their backs and too many “good Christian ” people who turn their noses up just because of how you look. I don’t believe God wants us to judge each other like that. I especially don’t think He wants our own families to turn against us over something so personal.
I agree wholeheartedly.
Hi Cheri,
My parents believe tattoo & Piercing are considered defacing your body.
Any. Suggestions from a religious point of view? They are [specific denomination] 🙂
Help 🙂
I had never thought of it this way. I know I can be judgmental, but didn’t have a good idea of how to change it. Now I do. Thanks.
Cheri, I’m glad you are asking the questions and being curious. I asked my 29 year old step daughter two weeks ago if she thought her tattoo love was an addiction being that she is in serious drug rehab and facing some truths about herself. I have stood in the background for so long with this woman child letting my husband and her mother do the things they do. Now I am bold and asking questions. I don’t care if she likes them or not, or if anyone else feels they are stark, better left unsaid, or not sensitive. Her tattoos are on her feet, ankles, legs, arms, neck, and across her chest, very visible. She’s had some removed that no longer represented who she is but has continued to deface her body. But my biggest anger right now is why does she keep disrupting our lives for her selfish desires? This time it was heroin since the pain pills for her back no longer gave her relief. She has never been “clean” because she drank alcohol all these years even though she wasn’t using street drugs. I’ve challenged her about that, too and drug rehab has convinced her she can’t drink. I found out this morning that she will be getting a 4 hour pass to join us for Christmas dinner and my anger rose significantly. I am appalled that I feel this way but now she will be here with my daughter, her husband, and her dad, and I. How fun! What should we talk about? My daughter has written her off. She will be cordial to her but wants nothing to do with this step-sister that creates chaos for her dad and I. I was having such a challenge getting into the spirit of Christmas and now, I must get on my knees again, and ask God to humble me and praise Him that in all my rebelliousness I did not become addicted to drugs. I am no better than her. She & I stand at the cross together with her tattoos, drug rehab, and chaos. I pray I can curiously invite her into my saner world on Christmas day and not let my thoughts ruin a family rich time.
I agree, the last question “”Is it because those tattoos mock me each time I see them, reminding me how safe I still play this game called life?” is the one that I ask many times. It seems like many things “mock” me in this way. Although I don’t have a daughter, any one can cause those types of questions….. sometimes even friends. Thank you for a though provoking read.
Many of those questions you listed I have asked myself many times as we are in the same situation. In particular the last one…”Is it because those tattoos mock me each time I see them, reminding me how safe I still play this game called life?” I really appreciate your openess on this… I don’t feel so alone and helps me to look at this differently. Giving myself and daughter much neede grace.