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How Asking Becomes a Gift of Grace

by Cheri Gregory

How Asking Becomes a Gift of Grace

“We should wait until February to take the Pathfinder in for servicing.”

I start to shoot Daniel my What on earth are you even talking about? look.

The one that starts with a You obviously aren’t listening to a word I am saying! eye-roll and ends with a defiant You better believe I can do this fine and dandy without you, Buster! glare.

After all, this conversation isn’t about when the Pathfinder should go in for servicing.

I’m trying to tell him about how I scored a courtsey car which will save us a world of time and hassle, whenever the Pathfinder goes in.

He’s supposed to be declaring his undying love and devotion to me.

Not telling me what to do.

Or when to do it.

Asking

Just in time, I remember that I’m practicing asking in 2016.

So I ask myself:

Why am I surprised that Daniel’s taking this conversation in a different direction?

I’ve known him for thirty years. This is not new behavior; thus, it is not surprising.

Confusing, yes. But not surprising.

And if I’m confused, I need to ask him a clarifying question.

So I do.

“Why February?”

Daniel makes a vague reference to the state of our finances, and my hackles rise.

What does he think he knows about our finances? He hasn’t touched a checkbook or looked at a bank statement in the 27+ years we’ve been married.

“And who handles the finances around here? Who actually knows how much we do and don’t have?”

(Yes, I know: I’m baiting him.)

“I just want to make sure you’re thinking through all of the options,” Daniel says.

Oh. No. He. Did. NOT.  How dare he imply…

Asking, Take 2

Just in time, I remember that I’m practicing asking in 2016.

And—thanks to a Holy Spirit whap upside the head—I also remember that Daniel is an Analytical personality, a fixer.

He’s trying to fix a problem.

But there is no problem to be fixed! 

Well, at least none that I can see.

So he’s trying to fix a problem that he sees but I don’t. What could that problem possibly be?

Only one way to find out.

In a far gentler voice, and with genuine curiosity, I ask:

“What problem are you solving?”

Perfectionism vs. Grace

Yesterday, in “Confessions of a Grace Thief and Miser,” I shared my latest BIG ephiphany:

Perfectionism is a wall that keeps us from receiving and giving grace. We can’t give what we haven’t got.

Today’s related “ah-HA!” moment:

Asking breaks through the wall of Perfectionism.

God instructs us to “…be quick to listen…” (James 1:19) for good reasons.

  • Asking exposes expectations. It helps us recognize that our perspective is not the only perspective.
  • Asking encourages empathy. It opens us to see a situation from the other’s perspective.

As I ask Daniel, “What problem are you solving?” I am mere seconds away from becoming off-the-charts offended that he is questioning my capabilities to effectively manage our household matters.

But his response stops me in my tracks.

“I worry about you. You work so hard, and you do so much. I’m trying to take the best care of my wife that I can.”

Oh.

He’s doing exactly what I wanted all along: declaring his undying love and devotion to me!

Hiding behind Perfectionism’s wall, I couldn’t perceive it or receive it.

Asking one simple question—”What problem are you trying to solve?”—frees me to accurately perceive my husband’s intentions and receive what he is actually offering.

My heart is softened.

His is understood.

Asking is a gift of grace that gives both ways.

 

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Categorized: People-Pleasing · Tagged: Marriage

About Cheri Gregory

Hi, I'm Cheri! I'm a collaborator, teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer. I love helping women break free from destructive expectations through a blend of “how to” and “heart, too.” I've been married to my college sweetheart Daniel (who is my opposite personality!) for 30 years and “Mom” to Annemarie (27) and Jonathon (25).

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Comments

  1. Pam says

    January 13, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Are you sure you’re not married to MY husband? 😉

    This is incredibly helpful wisdom! I will remember it next time I’m tempted to roll my eyes and get defensive. Thank you for inviting us into the intimate moments of your life so we can see God at work through you both.

    Reply
  2. Susan says

    January 13, 2016 at 9:53 pm

    I can relate to having a husband who is a perfectionist and the frustrations it causes my free spirit personality. I would like to diffuse confrontation by asking questions and I need help figuring out the best questions to ask. I would love to have my husband say he was thinking of my best interest. I feel he is always trying to change me to fit into his perception of how life should be. Any ideas for reading to help me find the best questions to ask? Thanks for your blog. I enjoy reading it each day.

    Reply
  3. Marcene Saxman says

    January 13, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    Bless you, Cheri. You did it. You asked and listened! This is an excellent reminder for all of us, married or not. In this age of, and our nation of, ‘offendedness’, perhaps we all should Stop, Ask and Listen. We could put out all sorts of unnecessary fires.

    Reply
  4. 20 years of marriage and getting better every year! says

    January 13, 2016 at 5:44 pm

    Wow! So simple but so hard to do. I love love love that you are sharing this. It could turn a marriage around in less time than anyone might think!

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Getting Hung Up on the How Robs of Us of Seeing Our Husband's Heart | Kathi Lipp says:
    June 13, 2016 at 3:09 pm

    […] Daniel and I were in the kitchen, and he said something that ticked me off. I started to react, but in the nick of time remembered I’m trying to ask myself what problem is he trying to solve? […]

    Reply
  2. Hope for HSPs: Becoming Less Hung Up on How - Cheri Gregory says:
    February 15, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    […] I started to react but in the nick of time remembered that I’m trying to ask myself What problem is he trying to solve? […]

    Reply
  3. Hope for HSPs: You Can Become Less Hung Up on How - Cheri Gregory says:
    February 15, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    […] I started to react but in the nick of time remembered that I’m trying to ask myself What problem is he trying to solve? […]

    Reply
  4. Hope for HSPs: You Can Be Less Hung Up on How - Cheri Gregory says:
    February 15, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    […] I started to react but in the nick of time remembered that I’m trying to ask myself What problem is he trying to solve? […]

    Reply

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