How to Disappoint the Fault-Finders in Your Life
As a little girl, I had a silly habit.
During family gatherings, I’d march from person to person, pointing and declaring, “I love DADDY! And I love MOMMY! And I love JOHNNY! And I love G’ama! And I love G’ampa!”
When I finished proclaiming my love for everyone, I’d walk to the center of the room, throw my arms around myself, and make one last announcement.
“And most of all, I love ME!”
I admire the gutsy 3-year-old version of me.
And I miss her.
I don’t remember believing, with such gusto, that I was lovable.
Over the years, I gave away the authority to declare me lovable (or not) to other people.
I’ve spent my life marching from person to person, performing a wide repertoire of ingratiating behaviors designed to elicit their affirmation.
Only recently have I learned that it’s far more important to dis-appoint people than to please them.
Lose Your Fear of Disappointing Others
A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about this discovery. I was sure nobody would read it—not with a title like “Why Disappointing People is the Best Thing You Can Do”!
Well.
Y’all bowled me over with your comments and emails!
Which had a prevailing theme:
- Can’t wait for part two. I need to see in real life what dis-appointing someone looks like. I’m so wired to please!
- I am anxiously awaiting your part 2, too!
- Looking forward to part 2!
- Now I need part two.
- I’m dying to hear part two — this is my entire struggle these days!
- I can’t wait to read part two.
According to you, I had more writing to do!
While attempting to write Part 2, I ended up with Part 1 1/2: “How to Know When You Should NOT Apologize.”
Now, it’s time for Part 2. Join me in John Chapter 9, which the NIV captions “Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind, but could just as easily be titled:
“How to Dis-Appoint the Fault-Finders in Your Life”
The story starts at a place we’re all familiar with: the location of blame
Jesus’ disciples ask, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
In other words, “Whose fault is this?”
The question that turns every people-pleaser into a quivering bowl of jello.
Because when others hold authority over us, and we’re waiting on pins and needles for even the smallest reassurance of love, we’re reduced to just one plea:
Please don’t pin the blame on me.
The Man Born Blind
Notice this man’s interactions with others once his sight has been restored.
When people who knew him as The Man Born Blind disagree over whether he’s the same guy they’ve seen, he insists, “It’s me!”
In response to their question, “How then were your eyes opened?” he says,
The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.
In the NIV, this is a 33-word answer.
Watch how this number changes.
The Pharisees
The Man Born Blind is taken to the Pharisees who also ask how he’s “received his sight.”
Notice what happens to his answer:
He put mud on my eyes … and I washed, and now I see.
His story is down to 13 words, and it’s going to get shorter still.
The Authorities … er … Pharisees … argue among themselves about Jesus because he made mud on the Sabbath.
That’s right.
Instead of celebrating that this man born blind NOW CAN SEE, they’re fussing about a man-made rule.
Instead of believing the man’s testimony about his own experience, the Pharisees call in his parents.
His Parents
His parents’ responses tell us a so much about the power Authorities hold over us and the joy they deny us.
Shouldn’t this have been the happiest day of their lives?
Isn’t this what they prayed for in the days and weeks after their son was born?
Isn’t this the answer to the prayer they quit praying years ago, when the discouragement and shame became too much?
Isn’t this proof that they can stop praying silent prayers of desperation — Please don’t pin the blame on me — because their son’s blindness was never about their sin after all?
Shouldn’t they be celebrating that their son NOW CAN SEE and that their own hearts are NOW SET FREE?
The Dis-Appointment
The Pharisees bring back the man and ask him to tell his story again.
They need him to alter his story so they come out looking good — which is what Authorities always need from us.
They even coach him: “Give glory to God by telling the truth” they say. “We know this man [Jesus] is a sinner.”
Their subtext is crystal clear. You know what this is like; you’ve been in this exact same place, too
- Your story can’t possibly be true.
- Tell a new version.
- Say what we want to hear.
- Don’t you dare disappoint us.
You’re surrounded by Authorities … or perhaps you’re face-to-face with one powerful Authority … and you’re reduced to just one plea:
Please don’t pin the blame on me.
And you’re ready to say whatever it takes to keep from disappointing them. To avoid disapproval. Because disapproval equals death. You start to open your mouth to babble the usual torrent of ingratiations and explanations and conciliations and equivocations and …
But wait, what is this man saying?
“Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know.”
Uh-oh.
He’s disagreeing with them.
Oh. No.
They’re not going to like this.
At. All.
“One thing I do know.”
One thing?
I was going to spend the next twenty minutes apologizing. How does he distill it down to one thing?
I was blind but now I see.
From 33 to 13 to 7 words.
I was blind but now I see.
The truth in its simplest form.
He knows it because it happened to him. They may not like it, but they can’t take it from him.
He is the authority on his own experience with Jesus.
Even More Dis-Appointment
But Mr. Now I See has barely begun to dis-appoint Authorities.
If you want to know what dis-appointing others looks like in real life, listen and learn from his unflinching willingness to tell the truth.
When the Pharisees ask, “What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?”
He responds, “I have told you already and you did not listen. Why do you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciples too?”
Talk about gutsy!
The argument escalates, with him responding to the Pharasee’s insults with such clarity that their only reaction is to throw him out.
They try to pin the blame on him.
But they don’t matter to him because he has already dis-appointed them.
They have no authority over him now that he’s experienced Jesus
After all, because of Jesus he NOW CAN SEE.
Disappointing All But One
Imagine yourself in the next scene.
Having lived in darkness since birth, you’re marveling all you can see around you for the very first time in your entire life.
And you’re on a mission: trying to find the One who has given you this extravagant gift of sight so you can thank him. You were still blind when he told you to go wash off the mud he’d put on your eyes, so you don’t know what he looks like.
As you’re searching, someone taps you on the shoulder. You turn around and sense that he’s been looking for you … and that you know him from somewhere.
“Do you believe in the Son of Man?” he asks.
He knows Jesus? Great! He can help you in your quest.
“Who is he, sir?” you ask. “Tell me so that I may believe in him.”
He responds, “You have now seen him; in fact, he is the one speaking with you.”
Of course—His voice! You recognize his voice!
And with your next words and deeds, you recognize Jesus — “the light of the world” who has brought light to your world — as the one and only Authority in your life.
“Lord, I believe,” you say.
And you worship Him.
How to Dis-Appoint
If you’re realizing that you’ve been stumbling in the darkness of attempting to please and appease people for your entire life, you’re not alone. The fear of disappointing others blinds us all.
But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in darkness.
Living in the light of the One who restores your sight leads you to dis-appoint everyone else.
You practice a new response to others’ fault-finding:
Go ahead and try to pin the blame on me. It won’t stick, because I’ve already dis-appointed you.
You stop marching from person to person and focus on the One who loves you most of all, with a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, eternal.
When your confidence in your new-found 20/20 vision makes them say, “How dare you lecture us!”
You remember 7 simple words: I once was blind, but now I see.
And as often as necessary, you dis-appoint people by re-living the moment you met Jesus:
“Lord, I believe,” you say.
And you worship Him.
I loved this story and how you clarified for me how I give my own power over to so many others by my people-pleasing and needing assurance and love. This “disappointment” info has been very empowering for my own clarity and healing! Thank you Cheri for using your God-given gifts of clarity and collaboration. The body of Christ needs this so much. Freedom from fear of disappointing others, fear of others disapproval of me, fear, fear, fear! I hear God saying, “I did not give you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, power and a sound mind.” The clarity from scripture and story from Gods Word and explaining in such a way that my own eyes now see how captivated and blind I have been because of all the need for other people’s approval? Instead of Gods approval! Thank you so much!!!
Jo
I cannot even think of what to say right now. This was so profound I almost cried. Thank you.
God, help us dis-appoint the people in our lives, and illuminate our eyes with your love so we can live for and believe in you. Without fear of what others might think.
THANK YOU. <3
Oh wow, God’s timing is always perfect, isn’t it? I’ve been struggling with trying to please people with my art…painting what they think I should paint and there’s been no joy in it for me. I’ve felt God tugging at my heart to paint other things but I’ve been afraid to. But now? I see I was blind. Pleasing God is my new goal. This gives me courage. Thank you.
So very true and simple. Dis-appointing is something that has been getting me through last week. As I am working with someone who enjoys ‘throwing me under the bus’ whenever something is wrong on this project. Of course she takes all the credit when things go well. I have nothing to gain by arguing and people who are close to me see the truth. God told me to focus on the kids we are serving in this volunteer role and that has been freeing as normally I would have been trying to win her favor or the directors’ favor. I have dis-appointed all of them. And I have no regrets. Now I have your blog that explains this gem of wisdom in words that I can reread again and again. Thank you.
I love it!!!! Just speak the plain, simple truth (remind myself)- what Jesus has done and is doing for me; and worship Him. Once I’m pleasing Jesus, disappointing others is a no-brainer, because He has all authority anyway, and He’s got my back 🙂
This is exactly what I needed to read in the season of life I am in right now! Thank you, Cheri, for reminding me to keep my eyes on the only One whose opinion matters, and to follow His lead, not the expectations of others!