How to Know When You Should NOT Apologize
Time to reward myself.
I pull out of the Safeway parking lot and head toward Starbucks.
It’ll be so nice to sit and relax for just a few minutes.
My mouth waters at the mere thought of a tall extra-whip mocha with an orange-cranberry scone.
But as I stop at the traffic light, doubts swarm like ants on a drop of honey.
- “Why do you deserve a reward for running a few meesley errands? That’s just called being an adult.”
- “Do you even have a clue how much money you would have in your savings account by now if you didn’t waste so much on mochas and scones?”
- “How can you justify sitting and relaxing when you still have so much to do waiting for you at home?”
Each voice is so audible, it’s as if the speakers are all in the car with me.
I feel like saying, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me. You’re right, of course. I need to suck it up. Spend less, save more. Get back home and get back to work.”
That’s what I should do: Get back home and get back to work.
Disappointment wells up but is overpowered by a stronger emotion:
relief
I almost made a big mistake. But now I can report back to them that I didn’t.
The light turns green, and I accelerate toward home.
They’re going to be so impressed when they hear about what I didn’t do.
I feel downright giddy.
Trying to Please Everyone
Suddenly, as if my car doesn’t already have enough imaginary passengers, Dis-Appointing Cheri shows up, riding shotgun.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: So what do you feel like you need to apologize for right now?
Apologetical Me: Being selfish. You know: spending money on myself, wanting time to myself.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: How do you feel now?
Apologetical Me: Relieved.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: Relieved that … ?
Apologetical Me: … that they can’t disapprove of me. How can they disapprove of a choice I didn’t make?
Dis-Appointing Cheri: So you’re feeling relief from imagined disapproval by not doing something you were looking forward to?
Apologetical Me: Exactly! You’re catching on!
Dis-Appointing Cheri: So let me get this straight: people who aren’t even here have the power to shut you down?
Apologetical Me: Absolutely.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: What’s it like when you’re face-to-face with them?
Apologetical Me: I constantly apologize.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: What else do you apologize for?
Apologetical Me: When people disagree with me.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: Why do you apologize for that?
Apologetical Me: I figure that I must have misunderstood. Or not listened well enough.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: So your idea of a good relationship is one in which everyone agrees?
Apologetical Me: Or at least disagrees nicely.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: What else do you apologize for?
Apologetical Me: When people don’t like me.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: Why do you apologize for that?
Apologetical Me: It helps me figure out what I’ve done wrong. And how I can fix it. Sometimes I have to apologize a lot, but eventually I figure out which version of me works best for them.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: So you … apologize for being you?
Apologetical Me: No, not really. I apologize for not being who they need me to be.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: (sits in stunned silence for a few moments) Okay, what else do you apologize for?
Apologetical Me: Inconveniencing people.
Dis-Appointing Cheri: What?!?
Apologetical Me: (looks startled) Inconveniencing people. You have no idea the number of ways I complicate people’s lives. I am forever …
Dis-Appointing Cheri: (interrupting) Stop this car right now.
Learning to Dis-Appoint People
Apologetical Me: What?
Dis-Appointing Cheri: Pull over. I have something to say, and you need to listen.
Apologetical Me: (pulls over) I’m so sorry if I’ve said something to offend you …
Dis-Appointing Cheri: Enough with the apologies!!!
Here’s the deal:
- Apologize when you are wrong.
- Apologize when you hurt someone.
- Apologize when the Holy Spirit convicts you.
But just because something feels bad doesn’t automatically mean that the Holy Spirit is convicting you.
Not all of the guilt you feel is yours to feel.
You’ve been trying to please everyone for far too long. Which means you’ve been apologizing for the wrong things … and the wrong reasons.
You don’t need to apologize just because someone disagrees with you.
You don’t need to apologize just because someone dislikes you.
Never apologize for being authentically yourself.
And you definitely shouldn’t apologize just because someone feels inconvenienced. Especially not if they’re whining. Apologizing to a whiner just cranks up their volume and frequency!
Two more things you shouldn’t apologize for:
First, you shoudn’t apologize when people experience discomfort because of the natural consequences of their own choices.
Sympathize? Sure.
Empathize? Sure.
But apologize?
No.
When you lessen their pain by taking some of it upon yourself, you may accidentally hijack the lesson they need to learn.
Second, and I want you to listen to this one very carefully, right now:
Never apologize for taking care of your own needs.
If you don’t take care of you, who will?
Trying to Please Everyone vs. Free to Be Me
Suddenly, I am alone in my car.
And I know exactly what to do.
I hook a U-turn.
Soon, I’ll be sitting in the cushy chair in the corner of Starbucks, extra-whip mocha in one hand and warm orange-cranberry scone in the other.
Trying to please everyone gives too much authority to too many people.
I don’t need to question, explain, or apologize my life away.
I simply need to be myself.
And today, myself is taking me out for a mocha!
* * * * *
At the end of “Why Disappointing People is the Best Thing You Can Do,” I promised a Part 2 with the “how-to.”
This post is Part 1 1/2. Before we can actively, intentionally dis-appoint people externally, we must learn to dis-appoint them internally. We have to stop giving power to people who aren’t even present.
If you resonate with the reader who commented, “I need to see in real life what disappointing someone looks like,” hold tight: Part 2 is in still the works!
This was such a great post, Cheri! 🙂
Wow! This is so me…so many times! Thank you so much for writing this series…I am surely being blessed and made stronger by it.
Lisa — Oh, I’m so glad! Thank you for reading and taking the message to heart!
This is so me! I am constantly apologizing for things I don’t need to be apologizing for. And a lot of times, I have these conversations in my head so I can figure out how to make someone happy. Just what I needed to hear today! I am entitled to my opinions and thoughts – I don’t need to be sorry for being me! Thank you so much.
Cecilia — YES, you are! NO, you don’t! I’m considering a 10-day No Unnecessary Apologies Challenge … I’ll keep you posted!
This is really good! Thank you. Can’t wait for the next installment!
Thank you so much! I thought my apologies and “I am so sorries ” were me being so kind and understanding to others. Well, some yes and it is really just wanting to be liked and loved by others. I am finally learning that I do not have apologize for everything and everyone actions (well at work, I do have to – to our customers if we are behind and we had not gotten to them – but there is probably a better way to respond that would let them know we had dropped the ball but will get them taken care of…..work in progress ).
You’re so very welcome, Nancy! Great to see you evaluating when apologies are needed and when they may not be necessary. Good thing God’s the Author of every Work in Progress, eh?
Lol! I have had this exact conversation with myself far to many times! Goodness I needed this today!
Heya Rachel — Oh, whew! So glad I’m not the only one! <3
I am so grateful to have found this site! This just happened to me…or I just did this to myself Friday. In stead of coffee and scone it was a reflexology massage….and it was the most amazing hour and $ I’ve spent in years. Can’t wait to read part 2!
Connie — I’m cheering for your reflexology massage! And Part 2 is up, now. 🙂
“Not all of the guilt you feel is yours to feel.” Love this!!
I probably spent half an hour revising that line … and now I know it was just for you, Erin! 😉
Man, I missed Part 1 but will be going back to read- This. IS. SO. Me! I am forever apologizing!!! Once when I worked as the scheduler for a dental office, People with immediate needs would call and I wouldn’t be able to get them in because of the Dr.s schedule, I would apologize. Once, my Dr. heard me one too many times and promptly and emphatically instructed me to say “that’s unfortunate…” instead of apologizing…. I don’t need to be sorry that our schedule didn’t make room for their emergency- he told me a great quote, but I don’t recall it entirely- something about ‘your emergency doesn’t or lack of planning, doesn’t constitute an emergency on our part…’ (NOT even close, but sort of…. ya get the idea?! Lol!) Anyway, Thank you for this…. I literally have apologized my life away and I’m 46!! It’s time to live and enjoy the life that God has left for me! (I am naturally an encourager, so I don’t want to miss those opportunities in the midst. )
Joni — “that’s unfortunate” is such a great re-frame! Thank you for sharing it … I will put it into practice!
I think your Dis-appointing Cheri voice hangs out with me everyday–only under a different name. I know those arguments way too well!!
Here’s a painful thought. If my constant apologizing brings me relief, then it’s really a selfish act for which I want to apologize for. But it only relieves me, myself, and I. Everyone else gets annoyed! I know because I’ve been talking honestly with those closest to me. All this time, I thought I was validating the need for my existence, when in reality, I’m adding more burdens! Now I feel like apologizing for all those years. Where does it ever stop?
Karen — You are so right … when unnecessary apologies make us feel better while annoying others, they fall in the category of “seeming selflessness”. As for the urge to apologize for all the years of apologizing, why not pray-cess that and see how the Holy Spirit leads? You may find God leading you to have a heart-to-heart to express true sorrow and repentance with some people … but not others.
I really needed this right now. My young adult son is this very minute resigning from a job in which under the guise of humor, he and others are constantly ridiculed. Several others have already resigned. I am trying to trust in God’s plan, even though I don’t see it. But sometimes removing yourself from a toxic situation takes a lot of courage. Especially when you can’t predict the future. Trying desperately to believe God’s got this.
Oh Denise, your mama heart must be hurting. You are so right — removing yourself from a toxic situation can be a real battle. I’ll be praying for peace and open doors for you and your son!
So. Much. Yes.
This was a throughtfully funny way to model self-therapy. Love it!
Jenn — “self-therapy” … I love it! So much better than, “She talks to herself?!?”