Why Disappointing People is the Best Thing You Can Do
“Well goody-goody gumdrops for you!”
I’m talking back to the guy in the anti-bullying Facebook video I’m watching (although I should be sleeping).
He’s just explained the best way to render a bully powerless is “just don’t react.”
Which probably makes sense to a lot of people.
But for me, the little word “just” is like flicking a Bic on dry pine needles.
“HELLO — SO GLAD THAT’S SO EASY FOR YOU BUT IT IS SO HARD FOR SOME OF US WHO ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!”
It’s 9:55 PM, and I was supposed to be asleep by 10:00. I switch my cell phone to airplane mode, set it on my nightstand, and close my eyes.
But “just don’t react” has gotten under my skin.
I’m mad at that guy.
Mostly, though, I’m mad at myself.
Even after fifty years, I still don’t know how to “just don’t react.”
Which means that so many people who do not matter have had too much authority over my life.
They’ve had authority about my identity, my worth, my actions, my inactions.
I remember the difference between expert and authority from a class I’m taking:
An expert is someone who knows a lot, while an authority is someone we listen to.
This further deepens my concern over giving the wrong people so much authority in my life.
I have listened to far too many people who didn’t even know me.
I reach for my phone, switch it off airplane mode, and text myself:
I have let people take authority over me.
I am learning boundaries which allow me to choose whom to give authority.
I can say, “Your voice doesn’t matter, and you have no authority in my life. You may speak, I can hear, but I don’t have to listen, and I don’t have to internalize. And I don’t have to authorize your words.”
I turn my phone off, set it back on the nightstand and pray as I drift off to sleep:
“Okay, Lord, this feels big. REALLY big. But what on earth does it look like in real life?”
He answers. Big time.
Another Word for Un-Authorize
I wake up to this burning question:
How do I un-authorize someone?
And immediately I think: un-authorize is a very silly word.
I try to come up with a word that means “take authority away from someone.”
There’s unauthorized, but that’s passive and past tense. I want a word that means that regardless of how someone has come to have authority in my life — whether they took authority from me or I gave authority to them — I am now rescinding it.
The next thirty minutes remind me of how excruciating the English language can be, as I go to www.Thesaurus.com, look at all the synonyms for authorize, and try to think of their “un-“ version.
Nuthin’.
I’m no longer simply curious; I’m now on the verge of desperation.
I need an active verb that means removing someone’s authority in my life and over my life.
So I go back thru the list of synonyms for authorize again, just in case I missed something the first time.
Nope … Nope … Nope … Wait!
appoint
Another word for authorize is appoint.
Yes.
But do we have an “un-” version for appoint?
Prickles of recognition tap-dance across my scalp.
Do we ever.
It’s a word I’ve been working myself to death to avoid for my entire life:
dis-appoint
The key to “just don’t react” is disappointing people.
The very thing we try so hard not to do.
Haven’t we spent our lives trying to please our people? Be who they want us to be? Do what they need us to do?
Yet disappointing people is the very thing we need to do.
Why You Need to Start Disappointing People
This explains why I’ve never been able to surrender completely to God.
I’ve wanted to.
I’ve meant to.
I’ve tried to.
But as soon as I’m “done” surrendering (!) I basically tell him, “And if You could wait here a moment, there are just a few people I need to go take care of because I can’t stand disappointing people.”
No wonder God said, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3-5 (KJV)
I have spent my life appeasing lesser gods known as mother and teacher and husband and BFF and … and … and … “
When what I actually needed to do was dis-appoint them.
Every one of them.
Jesus is the only true Authority and Expert on you and me.
Because he created you, He is quite literally your Author, which means He knows you better than anyone.
So go ahead:
Intentionally dis-appoint everyone but God.
(Stay tuned for Part 2 with the “how-to”!)
Oh WOW!!! This REALLY resonated with me! I’m so done with people-pleasing and giving my own power away! Thank you so much for this post Cheri! This was so good!
Cheering you on, Jo!
Cheri! I will NEVER look at the word disappoint the same again! You turned a life draining word into a life-GIVING word! Thank you! XOXO
Jacquie — I’m so glad! It’s been such a paradigm shift for me, too!
This baby is getting printed off and put in my Quiet Time Basket. I’ll be reading it more than once. SO good!
So glad it hit home, Cindy. (And I’d love to hear more about your Quiet Time Basket!)
THANK YOU! Looking forward to part 2!
Chris — Part 1 1/2 and Part 2 are up, now!
Cheri,
I was reading this morning, and there it was in Romans 9:33 – “And he who believes in Him will not be disappointed.” In the footnotes, ‘disappointed’ means ‘put to shame’ which goes right along with the way you’re using it here. We always think of it as being about being sad or losing something. This is much more powerful. Thank you!
Kathy — Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. Such a powerful layer of added meaning!
Always with a good, smart word Cheri! Thanks for thinking this through for the rest of us like-minded women.
Thank YOU for reading, Mari! Grateful for your companionship on this journey.
Sitting here in tears because just a minute before I wrote this, I was emailing a friend after a long day of this person wanting this done, and this person wanting that done, and not pleasing anyone, and I asked when can it be about me, and my relationship with God, and not about everyone else. The problem is, we all get it here, but try to convince the rest of the world!
Debbie — Right there with you, friend. I spent ( wasted ) decades trying to get everyone else on board. I’m slowly learning that boundaries are about what I do, regardless of anyone else’s reactions or cooperation (or lack there of). Which is hard, because I’m wired to be a collaborator. I’m having to surrender my ideal of everyone being “on the same page” and focus first on my relationship with God … rather than my partnerships with people.
Yessssss to all of this!!!! The teacher and people pleaser in me was set free because if this post. Love your train of thought, Cheri. Thank yo for wrestling with this in such a thoughtful and linguistically keen way. Amen, dis-appoint them as my authority, as my source of approval. Give God that power and people won’t make me so anxious.
Awww … thanks for appreciating my word play, Jenn!
Beautifully put Cheri! Love this. I too struggle with too many voices making me feel less-than. Great way to change perspective.
So glad you found this a perspective-changer, Jenn!
Cheri,
I definitely need to hear this. I don’t like confrontation, don’t like the results when I do disappoint someone (I end up feeling guilty, as though I practically sinned). This is a real problem with a member of my family; not so much with anyone else.
I would like to comment on the guy talking about anti-bullying. His advice, “just don’t react” works–sometimes. I got teased a lot during my school years. My parents said, “Just ignore them”. It was hard to ignore someone who sits right in front of you during class or on the school bus and is literally in your face, and is watching you. It was hard to pretend it didn’t hurt.
Peggy — I’m right there with you re: disappointment … I’ve felt that letting people down is a moral failing (sin), when in reality, disappointment is normal. If I could go back in time, I’d take Disappointment 101 and learn to tolerate my own disappointment AND others’! Since I can’t, I’m enrolling now. 😉
When we’ve had to pretend something didn’t hurt out of self-protection, we then need the opportunity to admit — to a safe person in a safe space — that it actually did hurt. The old “just ignore them” advice isn’t necessarily wrong … it’s just so woefully incomplete for many of us. Sure, it can be a useful tactic in the moment. But it’s only one step in a far more intricate process of self-soothing, self-care, self-compassion, and resilience-building.
Can’t wait for part two. I need to see in real life what disappointing someone looks like. I’m so wired to pleasing!!
Karen — Part 1 1/2 and Part 2 are up!
Love, love love! Oh Cheri, it’s such a blessing to rediscover that the more I listen to (God speaking through) you, the more blessed I am by all you (both) have to say!!
Heya Pat — And it’s such a blessing to me that you’re still reading and responding! <3
This was a “message from the Lord” for me today. Thank you.
Julie — I’m so glad! I almost didn’t write this post, and then I almost didn’t publish it. So thank you for the confirmation!
Excellent! Wow!
Wow, Cheri, these words of yours have spoken deeply to my heart and I thank you very much for sharing them so honestly!
I am anxiously awaiting your part 2, too!
🙂
Jennifer — Thank YOU for reading and receiving the message! And Parts 1 1/2 and 2 are up now!
Dis-appoint. When you break it down like that it seems so much easier to do.
Thank you Cheri.. I will be meditating on this wisdom the next time I need to disappoint someone.
Heya Kelly — You are so welcome! I’m praying that you’ll experience new strength and courage when the time comes for you to dis-appoint.
I needed to read this!!!! Thank you for your wisdom and insight today!
Annalee — You are so welcome! Thank you for reading and responding. It’s so encouraging to know I’m not alone in this!
Ok, you’ve hooked me. Now I need part two. 🙂
Can I add how much I need to hear this? I’ve spent way too much time trying not to disappoint others. This is definitely food for thought!
This is absolutely a relevant to my current church situation. I would really like to read and learn more in order to get a clearer direction from Him!
Susan — I’m praying for your church situation. And you’ll find Parts 1 1/2 and 2 are now up.
Cecilia — Right there with you, friend! And Parts 1 1/2 and 2 are up, now.
I’m dying to hear part two – this is my entire struggle these days!
Laura — Parts 1 1/2 and 2 are up now! Praying for you as you read and respond as the Holy Spirit leads.
This was perfect for me this morning. Now I am on the edge of my seat for how to.
Oh, I’m so glad, Jamie! Parts 1 1/2 and 2 are up. <3
Great post, Cheri!🤗
This is for me. Thank you.
I don’t know why a link to this article wound up in my email inbox, but it came at just the right time. I need to demote some folks in my life — lower the status of a few and get shed of some — but it is difficult to do so because I do not like to disappoint folks (even when they disappoint me). Moreover, I view letting others down as a failure on my part — I am responsible and dependable even when others are fickle and flighty. Lately, I have found myself without much time for myself and precious little for the Lord. Something has got to change and it may just be I need to start disappointing some folks!
Annie — “I need to demote some folks in my life” — oh, this is such a great way to put it! And you’ve got me thinking: just because other people feel disappointed doesn’t always mean we have let them down … hmmm … (I feel a new blog post brewing … !)
I really appreciate your words. Wow. Yikes, this hit home with me…’But as soon as I’m “done” surrendering (!) I basically tell him, “And if You could wait here a moment, there are just a few people I need to go take care of because I can’t stand disappointing people.”
No wonder God said, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3-5 (KJV)’
Wow, Cheri you are speaking out my heart. I too felt the prickle of awareness in my scalp as the stress reaction started at the idea of Dissapointing. At the truth. Ouch… but a good ouch, a cauterising ouch. So thankyou. I can’t wait to read part two.
I LOVE how the word and meaning behind disappoint, became to…. dis-appoint. Love this healthy boundry, and this allows the Lord to truly be my one and only true God. Thanks for wrestling this out with the Lord, and sharing it with all of us. What a blessing you are Cheri, you bravely share your heart inside-out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Heya Ingrid — Thank YOU for reading and taking the message to heart! This boundary stuff isn’t for wimps, and it’s so exciting to be able to share a breakthrough with my peeps who understand. <3
Heya Kath — So glad it’s a “good ouch” … I am a toe-stomper, but I promise that I’m walking all over my own feet in the process! Parts 1 1/2 and 2 are up now, too.