October 29, 2015
I know how to feel bad, but I don’t know how to feel sad.
Guilt and I are thick as thieves. But Grief?
Watching Inside Out (yes, again!) has prompted new journal reflections. I recall a decades-old conversation with my brother.
Me: “John, does our family do grief?”
John: “Nope.”
Me: I didn’t think so.
I don’t know how to do grief.
I only know how to do guilt.
How Guilt Leads to Shame
When I’ve done something wrong, I become obsessed with making it right. Proving that really and truly, I’m NOT more trouble than I’m worth.
- Just let me fix it.
- Let me fix it.
- Please. Let. Me. Fix. It.
Holding on to each wrong I’ve done until I can right it, I become buried in shame.
The shame of being such a disappointment.
How Shame Leads to Blame
I can’t handle feeling bad all by myself.
So even as my mind is figuring out quick fix solutions, it’s also spinning stories about how you, too, are in the wrong.
And I become obsessed with making you admit I’m right. Showing how magnaimous I am for sticking around even though you’ve caused so much trouble.
- Just admit it.
- Let me hear you admit it.
- Please. Admit. It.
Holding on to each wrong done to me until you admit I’m right, I bury you in blame.
The blame of disappointing me.
Guilt vs. Grief
Guilt triggers these overwhelming fix or force responses in me. What I need is forgiveness, for myself and for others.
Forgiveness requires death — death of expectations.
To forgive, I must move into the pain of grief. But I’ve spent my life avoiding that pain.
I don’t know how to do grief.
I only know how to do guilt.
The Pain of Guilt
Not that guilt feels good, of course.
Just familiar.
And busy. Guilt keeps me going.
Hustling to make you happy again. Chattering to charm you again.
Hinting, manipulating, downright demanding the magic words — “You were right” — so I can do my end zone dance.
But as Guilt, Shame, and Blame’s old cronies show up — Resentment, Bitterness, Discouragement, Cynicism, Contempt — they bring more and more pain with them.
Grief and Grace
All my life, I’ve run from grief, terrified that the pain would swallow me alive. But in the hours of protective shock that follow news of my mother’s death, I face a choice.
November 7, 2015
What if feeling sad is better than feeling bad?
Guilt feels safer than grief.
But actually, guilt is killing me.
Guilt slams shut the door to grace.
The Guilt Gang circles around our hearts, barring us from receiving or giving what we all need most — love, which can only grow where grace abounds.
Guilt is killing us.
Grief brings us back to Life.
- Grief says, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
- Grief says, “You were wrong, and I’m sad.”
- Grief releases expectations, mourns disappointments.
Grief breaks wide open the door to grace.
Grief brings us back to Love.
I want to stop obsessing on guilt and start processing thru grief.
I don’t know exactly what that looks like, yet.
But I’m sure it starts with getting to Jesus as fast as possible and simply saying,
Jesus, I’m sad.
I don’t do grief well either. Guilt is my best friend. When my husband of 37 years died suddenly. I jumped into overdrive, worked as much as I could, removed the majority of items that reminded me of him. All within three days of his death. Three years later, I’m remarried and happy but I still say “What if I did this or that? Did I love him enough? Etc etc.
I definitely would love a copy of this book. Every time I believe I’m through grieving, guilt comes back with a vengeance and it’s permeated other areas of my life.
I just shared this blog with my sister. I would LOVE a copy of the book for us to share.
I signed up for the 5 week conversation! Can’t wait!
Hi, I just signed up and would truly love to win a copy of this book. Thank you and God Bless!
Cheri,
Grief and guilt. I guess when most of your life depression hangs over your head grief and guilt are your best friends. What haven’t I felt regret or loss over?
When my Dad died in 2008 at age 93 it was traumatic even though expected. I was daddy’s girl. Mom lived another year and a half. She and I hadn’t done life together. I was in the opposing corner and she had no idea. in the period after Dad’s death, God worked a miracle. I started to understand that woman and forgive her. I realized she did what she could. While she was on hospice care I visited her, read all of Psalms to her, and ate meals with her often weeping for 10 minutes in my car before I could drive home safely.
The day she left for her eternal home I found rest. I had no regret for I had done all I could for her in the end. I still had more anger and forgiveness to work through but it was easier. I finally accepted her for who she was those last few months.
Grief and guilt don’t hang out at my house anymore. Thank you, Father for your grace upon me! It takes God’s grace to move beyond the guilt and grief.
I am currently deep in the middle of doing grief. Grief that was disenfranchised by people not expecting me to be sad or carrying that I was in no place to express my sadness so it wasn’t processed. I’m processing now through a grief share group and through reading Scripture. Grief is an incredibly important emotion to acknowledge live with process through and heal from. I don’t know if you can heal from grief, but I know you were changed
I’m sharing this post signing up for the reading and inviting friends.
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Thanks so much for this thought-provoking post. Guilt, grief, grace. The first two, I definitely have more of a handle on. Extending and accepting grace from others and God is so difficult for me. I too grew up with a perfectionistic parent and always fell short. I felt guilty for a long time that I just “wasn’t trying hard enough”. Then when my dad died when I was only 12, I felt even more guilty. Now more than 40 years later, I’m just beginning to grieve the loss, not just of my dad but of a loving relationship with him. Slowly, I’ve begun to forgive myself and forgive my dad and accept God’s grace that although my time with my father was short and not the best, that I might rest in the assurance I was loved and let go…..
Cheri,
I love (and have always been a fan of) your candor and depth. Grief does challenge us to feel – feelings we don’t like and are often resistant to letting come. I always find myself relieved after I allow the sadness and even the anger (if not directed poorly) to come. Guilt is a part of grief too – but not so much the false, blaming/shaming guilt (though that can come). I do love the Psalms as a tool to help me grieve. I adore that God in His wisdom and mercy allowed David’s expression of all sorts of emotions as a part of what He deems “holy.” I’m linking to your post in my next Friday end-of-the-week post called “Snapshots & Snippets” where I share a bit of a lot of things and then send my readers to goodies I’ve found around the web. This was definitely worth sharing.
We were serving overseas for 11 years then suddenly had to return home. 2 years later I’m still grieving what we left behind. But it took me a while to realise I wasn’t just grieving friends and places but also my lost sense of identity. I’d lost my ‘job’, my purpose too and I didn’t realise how much my identity was bound up in that.
Having spent a long time parenting a prodigal, I’ve walked a great distance with guilt. Guilt offers a tantalizing promise of CONTROL. If this is my fault, then surely there is something I can do to “fix” it. I did not make any real strides forward, however, until I made room for grief. Grief meant that I had to finally mourn and let go–of the child I had hoped for and the parent I always thought I was supposed to be,
I’ve signed up for the 5-week conversation!
Thank you for this post. I believe that this is a BIG part of my challenges in life. I definitely don’t know how to grieve but I sure know how to guilt.
Shared on Facebook
I am a worrier (working on it!), and guilt is really just a version of “worry” about the past! So yeah, I have a lot of guilt, too (working on that, too!) – for things done, things not done, choices made even when I didn’t know any better… *sigh*
Shared on facebook.
You have to be still to grieve, I’m much better at “doing, fixing” be still and know that I am God. Give me the courage to be still.
I don’t know how to do grief either. My mom passed away more than 13 years ago. I’ve never grieved. My husband lost his job shortly thereafter and was unemployed for more than 3-1/2 years….I’ve never grieved what his inability to look for work cost us. My sister passed away 8 years ago…I’ve never grieved. I’m the one who has to be strong, to do the work left behind, to keep others propped up. If I were to ever let go and grieve, there would be no one to pick me up.