What Perfectionism Is (and Isn’t)
What Perfection Isn’t
“If ‘perfectionism’ means striving for a higher standard than mediocrity, then I don’t think it’s a problem!” commented one woman in her response to the Women Trying to Measure Up survey.
Another suggested, “I think the current generation of young women could use a good dose of ‘perfectionism’. Too many of them are ‘like whatever’ about everything!”
A drive for excellence is not what I mean by “perfectionism.” Neither is conscientiousness or a strong work ethic.
What Perfectionism Is
Perfectionism is an unrelenting need to have everything happen perfectly. It is driven by constant criticism of self and others.
Christian comedian Ken Davis defines a perfectionist this way:
“A perfectionist is not someone who is perfect; it is someone who is miserable because they can’t get it right.”
A Textbook Case
My first “perfect” memory goes back to fourth grade, when I decided not to miss any points on my social studies worksheets all year. After the end-of-year parent-teacher conference, my mother told me that my teacher said she’d had to triple-check her math when adding up my scores because she could not believe I’d really gotten 100% all year!
Hearing what I perceived to be maternal pride in my mother’s voice, I felt an internal switch flip “ON.”
Let’s do it again, only better! I thought.
And if you’ve seen my monologue or read my story, you have some idea of the extremes to which Perfectionism drove me from that day on.
What a comfort and relief it is to realize that perfection is not my job but the work of the Holy Spirit in my life! (Click to Tweet this.)
So all of us who have had that veil removed
can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.
And the Lord–who is the Spirit–makes us
more and more like him
as we are changed into his glorious image.
2 Corinthians 3:18
Your Turn!
- How do you define “perfectionism”?
- How have you seen “perfectionism” at work in your life or the life of someone you love?
- What scriptures bring you comfort and relief?
- Anything else on your heart or mind…
Another great post Cheri! Thank you for sharing from your heart. Perfectionism is a tough one to get through. I have gotten much better over the years but it’s still hard for me at times.
“A perfectionist is not someone who is perfect; it is someone who is miserable because they can’t get it right.”
Yeah.
I would also like to know, “What scriptures bring you comfort and relief?” because I’ve had a hard time finding a truth to fight all the ‘shoulds’ that tend to plague me… (ie: I should have known… I should have done better…)
Help!
Sarah —
My twelve go-to verses are are the first 12 you’ll find here: http://purseonalitychallenge.blogspot.com/p/bible-verses-to-print.html
These are all statements God makes about who you ARE.
Not who you “should” be. Not who you could be “if only…”.
God SAYS you ARE loved, chosen, complete…!!!
Thank You so very much Cheri. This was very helpful and now I understand much better.
Thank You Honey, I will read your story later. I have more feedback about how it helped but i will email you later today or tomorrrow. I appreciate your posts they are educating me in a very deep way.
With Love,
Dolores
Dolores —
So glad! I think we’ve all got a lot of misperceptions of what perfectionism is and isn’t floating around.
Continued prayers for ya!
Cheri
You know, I’m struggling with this. I’m sure I’m a perfectionist on some level(s), but I’m having trouble identifying it (maybe because if I call a spade a spade I’ll have to admit that it’s a bad thing). I’ve learned to let a lot of things go – I used to turn into a crazy person before guests arrived, but (with my husband’s pleading) I’ve done what I could, and just let the rest of the dust and cat hair be what it is! I’m loving this series, it’s really making me dig deeper!
Adelle —
I’m not a card-carrying perfectionist any more. I think I left my card at home when I left for college. What may look like “perfectionism” to others is simply my drive to do things “good enough”…and since nobody ever tells me when to stop, and I have no idea what “enough” looks like, I’m like the Energizer bunny when I get into a project: I just keep going and going and going…
Now that my graduate school advisor realizes this, she reads my drafts and then e-mails me, “ENOUGH! STOP! MOVE ON!” and I do! (After a little bit of mourning over what I still had planned…but my drive to keep moving and accomplish more is clearly stronger than my desire to dwell on a project to “perfect” it…)
The scary thing I’m discovering through the surveys is that I’ve been far more of a people pleaser than I ever dreamed! (I’ll share how I know this next week…let’s just say that the two words used to describe the consequences of being a Pleaser fit me to a “T”…and they’re not “helpful” and “cheerful”!)