The Power of a Positive No

My dear friend Kathi Lipp — a fabulous speaker and author of The Husband Project — recently recommended that I read William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No. Kathi’s always been spot-on when recommending strategies to build my ministry and books to challenge my thinking.

So, with full confidence in Kathi, and realizing that as a people-pleaser and conflict-avoider I hadn’t the slightest clue what a “positive no” could possibly be, I bought the book and dove in. It turned out that Kathi was right, once again! My copy glows in the dark from all the highlighted “ah-HA!” moments, which include:

Ah-Ha Moments from The Power of a Positive No.

A positive “No” is rooted in a powerful “Yes.”

As an Expressive/Sanguine, I love being involved. So I give a knee-jerk “Yes” to anything that sounds fun, forgetting to ask how this new commitment aligns with my core values. Often, I end up making someone else’s life easier while neglecting my own family: “Mrs. Smith just called and needs me to bake eight dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow. So, no, I can’t help you with your homework!”

When I take the time to first say “Yes” to my values, the necessary “No” comes so much more naturally: “I’m sorry, Mrs. Smith. My evening is already committed to my family. If you could call me a week before the next bake sale, I’d be happy to make eight dozen brownies!”

When I believe I must have someone else’s cooperation, I’ve become their hostage.

I’ve got to remember this in the classroom. I hate feeling a great lesson plan come to a sickening halt when the very students I’m counting on are having an I’m-not-participating-and-you-can’t-make-me kinda day. I fluster, stall, and fizzle. As a part of my lesson planning, I need to develop a “Plan B” that allows me to move forward, with or without a particular student’s cooperation.

This will free me to break out of my comfort zone, where I only do what I know “works.” I can try new teaching methods that I’ve been avoiding out of fear — “What if Johnny refuses to participate?!? — such as Socratic Circles. Rather than sticking with rigid, guaranteed-to-produce-begrudging-conformity classroom activities, I’ll be more willing to say, “This is something we’re going to try, tweak, and try some more. We’re going to learn how to do it well…together.”

I give respect to other people not as a reaction to their behavior but as a reflection of who I am.

I’ve been telling my friends and colleagues that it’s time to come up with a new word. “Respect” has lost all meaning — adults banter it around and kids just roll their eyes. But in twenty years as an English teacher, I’ve never actually analyzed the word “respect”! I was struck by the definition: re- means “again” and spectare means “to look.”

In other words, I don’t sit back and wait for another person to “earn” my respect. I take the initiative to take a second look…and a third and fourth and fifth. I aim to “see again” from a different perspective each time in order to understand the person better. (And we can all benefit from taking another look at the word “respect”!)

“No.” It’s a complete sentence.

(“No explanation is necessary.” So, I’m not giving any examples or explanations!)

Yes! No. Yes?

After saying “No,” I can’t just turn and walk away, which is my typical strategy. I usually feel guilty for saying “No” in the first place, or or I say “No” because I’ve been pushed to the point of anger.

Instead of beating a hasty retreat, I need to stay and affirm the relationship by working toward a new “Yes” while remaining firm in my “No.” I can’t stop at saying “No” to a one hour trip to the store to buy tomatoes when my daughter forgot to put it on yesterday’s grocery list. I need to also propose a reasonable “Yes,” such as helping her find a good recipe that uses ingredients we have on hand.

Your Turn

What’s your relationship with the word “No”? How well do you deliver a “positive no”? How are you at the “Yes! No. Yes?” sequence?