He Can’t Read My Mind

Over at To Love Honor and Vacuum, Sheila Gregoire asks the question “Do you often assume the worst about your husband?” and describes some of the decidedly non-rose-colored glasses we wives can wear.

Sheila offers this superb advice:

…[the] next time you find yourself getting upset with your husband, or ticked off about something, ask yourself this question: “Is he really doing something very wrong? Or am I assuming something about the situation?”

This got me thinking about one of my main struggles as a wife. When Daniel and I fell head-over-heals in love our freshman year of college, all we could see was how much we had in common. “He’s the male version of me!” was my favorite brag back then. (I can’t tell you how much it makes me cringe now!)

Because I naively (immaturely, foolishly, egotistically…the list could go on!) believed Daniel and I were attracted to each other due to our similarities, I also believed that our our hearts felt the same feelings, our minds thought the same thoughts.

So whenever he said something that I found hurtful or offensive, I knew that he’d said it on purpose, fully realizing the exact impact it would have one me. (After all, if I had said the same thing…!)

Don’t Let Reactions Run Wild

It’s taken me years (decades, actually!) to quit “knowing” his motives, to stop erroneously believing that he naturally knows my thoughts and feelings. I’m slowly learning to — gasp! — ask before I let my reaction emotions run wild.

As we were planning graduation weekend a couple of months ago, Daniel commented, “My family isn’t like your family.” I started to react to the meaning I would have intended with such words: “My family is superior to your family because…”

But when I asked, “I just heard you say that your family is somehow better than mine. Is that what you meant?” he was genuinely shocked.

“No, I just meant that our families are very different.”

Oh.

No use getting all upset over a simple observation, huh?

I wish I’d learned to ask the question, “I just heard you say ________. Is that what you meant?” much earlier. As an Expressive/Sanguine, I’m hyper-sensitive to anything that remotely feels like it could possibly be criticism. I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy “hearing” criticism when none was intended.

Turns out, of course, Daniel isn’t “the male version of me.” He’s my total opposite. So most of the time, he has no clue what I’m thinking or feeling. It’s my responsibility to tell him. He can’t read my mind…any more than I can read his!

Your Turn

Do you find yourself expecting others to read your mind? Thinking you’ve correctly interpreted others’ motives? What kinds of clarifying questions do you find useful?