What My Daughter’s Tattoos are Teaching Me About Braver Living
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Years ago, I made a “gentleman’s bet” with God.
I wasn’t consciously aware of making the agreement, and He certainly didn’t make it back with me.
But I decided that there were just some places I wouldn’t go as a parent. That I shouldn’t have to go. That nobody could make me go.
For many months, I thought that acknowledging Annemarie’s tattoos but asking her to cover them up while she was at home was progress.
Enough progress.
Surely I didn’t have to go beyond.
But I was doing exactly what happened in the home where I grew up. Pretending that if we just didn’t talk about the “problem”…
- …it wasn’t really happening
- …it would go away by itself
- …my child would no longer be “one of those kinds of people”
The “problem” wasn’t even Annemarie’s tattoos. The real problem was my judgmental attitude toward someone I claimed to love.
Turns out, I’ve still got a lot to learn about love.
Loving my daughter when she does what I want but then withdrawing from her when she does things I didn’t like?
That isn’t love.
A list of things “no child of mine” would ever do?
That isn’t love.
A line that, once crossed, puts my child outside the bounds of my love?
That isn’t love.
The belief “There are some places I shouldn’t have to “go” as a mother”?
That isn’t love.
These days, I feel like I know more about what love isn’t than what it is.
But one thing I do now know:
There is no place Love won’t go.
Last summer, while out to dinner with friends, I noticed that our server, a young woman, sported full arm tattoo sleeves.
My initial reaction was, She must be wonderful, just like Annemarie!
I immediately began patting myself on the back for making so much progress.
See? I’m doing so much better!
Days later, the truth sucker punched me:
I’ve never thought anything positive like that about a person with tattoos before. I’m not “doing so much better” –– I’m just now recognizing how bad I’ve been all along.
Then, the really hard questions
- How many of “those kinds of people” have I judged in my lifetime?
- How many have I “just” completely ignored?
- What does “those kinds of people” even mean?
I’m learning to look at everyone. In the eye. With a smile.
And the lesson I’m learning — later in life than I wish but hopefully better late than never — is this:
There’s only one “kind” of people: individuals, loved by God.
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I recently came across your blogs about struggling to accept your daughter’s tattoos while I was searching online for ways to help my mother accept mine. I am a young woman in college who has always loved tattoos and has multiple. Tattoos have always been a very meaningful form of self expression for me and have helped me feel even more beautiful in my own skin. It takes a lot of courage to walk around with visible tattoos because people can often be very judgmental. Its hard accepting the fact that a lot of people won’t even give you a chance as a person based on the way you look. For me getting tattoos has always been about putting the things I loved that made me who I am inside on my body for the world to see. When my mother found out it about my tattoos she was very disappointed in me. She always wanted me to cover them up,like she was embarrassed of me. I think it made her feel like a failure as a parent. Clearly this was devastating to me that something that made me feel so much happier could cause my mother so much upset. Parents are suppose to be the people who love you unconditionally and support you even if they don’t always agree with your choices. I have always believed that if you truly love someone it must be unconditionally. You must embrace all aspects of them because that is what makes them who they are. Your daughter’s will always be your daughter, her tattoos do not change the fact shes a wonderful person. If anything they make her unique and very brave which is absolutely beautiful. Its so fantastic that you had a positive reaction to someone with tattoos because your daughter has them. When you meet other tattooed people just think about how you would want someone to treat your daughter. Its amazing of you to have created blogs about trying to accept your daughter. Your heart is in the right place. God bless you and your family <3
Wow! Cheri, You always seem to know what to say,& encourage, to this mother’s heart. Having children from 8-24, I’m experiencing new things every day. Thank you for your fresh insight as we strive to be “Proverbs 31” women!
Cheri I can’t find the words to tell you just how much I love this post. It is also my daughters tattoos that sort of threw my faith journey in a tail spin. My son was the first to get one and for some reason that one didn’t bother me to much but when my baby girl got one I really struggled with it. But God has used that ink on her shoulder blade removemy legalism tinted glasses. Thanks you for sharing you story.
Women do it as well now. I guess for you it was a ‘moment of truth’ when you internalized this.
Thank you for being so brave to make yourself transparent and being willing to share your gift of writing to encourage others with your thoughts that God is richly blessing you with:) Maija
I am SO stealing your ending statement. I have so far to go also in not judging people. If only we could see every person through God’s eyes.