Grace for the Good Girl: The Danger of a Good Reputation

“If she hides behind her good reputation, there is little room for correction, and the good girl is in danger of being her own compass rather than having a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, or family members.
 
There could be a fear of intimacy, because people who get too close might see things she wishes weren’t there. Hiding behind that good-looking mask, her arms are folded too tightly to give and receive grace…”
 
 
 
Reputation Isn’t an Issue
 
I almost skipped Chapter 3, which is about hiding behind a good reputation. In fact, I skimmed it quickly–just to confirm that nothing in it really applied to me!–and almost made it through to the end.
Until I hit the contrasting definitions of character and reputation:
“Character refers to who you are. Reputation refers to who people think you are. I generally care more about who people think I am than who I really am….”
 
Oh boy:  so. do. I.
Reputation Is an Issue
 
So I went back and re-read the entire chapter with a (somewhat) open heart and mind.
 
And I did I ever feel convicted as I read the words “little room for correction…”
 
If you’ve seen my “The PERFECT(ionism) Crime” monologue, you know that my driving life goal has been to avoid criticism. 
 
Any and all criticism: real or imagined, deserved or unjust, gentle or cruel. 

Reputation is a HUGE Issue

My three rules of criticism have been:
 
1)  If you love me, you will not criticize me in any way, shape or form. 
 
2)  If you criticize me, you do not love me. 
 
3)  Criticism includes (but is not limited to):
  • asking why I’ve done what I’d done
  • questioning why I’ve done things the way I’ve done them
  • re-doing something I’ve already done
  • moving something I’ve set down
  • suggesting changes / improvements
  • looking confused
  • looking away
  • shaking head
  • rolling eyes
  • contradicting
  • interrupting
  • tsk-tsking
  • scowling
  • frowning
  • gasping
  • sighing
  • breathing (just kidding! sorta…)
By my own rules, I’ve lived under relentless criticism. I’ve simultaneously feared it above all else, exhausted myself trying to escape it, and guaranteed its 24/7 presence.

Reputation Protection or Character Growth?

Reading through Proverbs last month, I had some serious wake-up calls!  Chapter 15, alone, was full of twitch moments such as:
  • “He who hates correction will die.” (Pr. 15:10b)
  • “A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.” (Pr. 15:12)
  • “He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” (Pr. 15:32)
 
Because I’ve “cared more about who people think I am than who I really am,” I’ve swung wildly between lashing out in defensiveness and crumbling from criticism.
 
I’ve “been my own compass.” 
 
But I long to have “a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, and family members.” 
 
As my definition of criticism is shrinking, my willingness to hear and apply wise, loving, Godly correction is growing.
 
How fitting that “my” 2012 verse is Ezekiel 36:26
And I will give you a new heart, 
and I will put a new spirit in you. 
I will take out your stony, stubborn heart 
and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Your Turn!

  • How do you respond to “correction”?
  • What might need to be pared away from your definition of “criticism”?
  • In what ways do you care more about who people think you are than who you really are?

Hi, I'm Cheri! I'm a collaborator, teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer. I love helping women break free from destructive expectations through a blend of “how to” and “heart, too.” I've been married to my college sweetheart Daniel (who is my opposite personality!) for 35+ years and we have two adult children: Annemarie and Jonathon.

6 Comments

  2. Mel Ann Morales says:

    How do you respond to “correction”? Depends on who is doing the correction quite honestly. I pretty much only trust the leading of the Spirit at this point.

    What might need to be pared away from your definition of “criticism”? I don’t know that I have a definition of criticism. I take what people say pretty much on the surface – step back, take a look to see if I can see what they say – I change what I agree needs to be changed and smile, nod and say thank you – I will take it under advisement… And that’s that. I don’t get caught up in it. Life is too short.

    In what ways do you care more about who people think you are than who you really are? None. Absolutely none. Spent way too much time in that position already. My focus is on my own Truth, core beliefs and being in alignment with what God wants from me. The rest I leave to Him to deal with.

    Reply

  3. Oh my, I didn’t realize how much “criticizing” body language that I use. 🙁 Yikes.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Ezekiel 36:26

    And I will give you a new heart,
    and I will put a new spirit in you.
    I will take out your stony, stubborn heart
    and give you a tender, responsive heart.

    I need this verse! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  5. I’ve always been my own worst critic. I beat myself up mentally over so many things and always make things worse in my head than they actually are. I really have a hard time seeing my own self worth.

    Reply

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