Grace for the Good Girl: I Don't Know How NOT To

“I perform so you will like me. I perform so you will think I’m okay. I perform because it’s comfortable. I perform to

prove my worth to you, to God, and to myself. I perform because I don’t know how not to.”

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

All I Know How to Do, Part 1: Kathi

“I don’t want to be the hardest-working person you know any more,“ I told Kathi in January.

“Cheri, I mean ‘hardest-working’ as a compliment!” she assured me.

“Oh, I know you do,” I said. “And for all these years, I’ve considered it the highest praise. But now I’m realizing that you were praising me for–and I was even feeling good about–achieving a goal I don’t even value.”

“Huh?”

I sighed.

“I’ve never wanted to be the hardest-working person anyone knows. I’d far rather be the most creative…the funniest…the quirkiest…pretty much anything other than the hardest-working!”

“Then why do you work so hard?” Kathi asked, looking confused.

“Because it’s all I know how to do,” I said, feeling dumb. “I get started and keep working and never know when to stop. I don’t know how to tell if I’ve done enough. So I just keep working harder and harder.”

“Even though you don’t really want to?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow. All this time, I thought you really liked working really hard.”

All I Know How to Do, Part 2: Annemarie

“So would you believe that Kathi thought I actually liked being the ‘hardest working person’ she knows?” I told my 21-year-old daughter, Annemarie, as we were driving to the mall later that afternoon.

“Uhhh, yeah,” she responded, looking confused.

Her, too?

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean that you seem to really like working hard–really hard–all the time,” Annemarie said.

“I do?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

All I Know How to Do, Part 3: Daniel

That night, as we climbed into bed, I asked Daniel, “So, would you believe that Annemarie thinks I actually enjoy working hard all the time?”

“Of course,” he said, “you do. You’re always working. That’s what makes you such a good teacher. I could never work as hard as you. I don’t care enough to sacrifice the way you do.”

Et tu, Brute?

I Don’t Want to Any More

Talking to Kathi, Daniel, and Annemarie felt like I was re-living the scene from Megamind in which Megamind tells his side-kick

“Maybe I don’t want to be the bad guy any more!”

Minion steps back in horror and gasps

“Who. Are. You?”

Just Too Sensitive

Yesterday, I shared the “definition” of criticism that I’ve held for far too many years. While some items on the list have some merit in some situations, the list mostly serves as proof of what I’ve been told my entire life:

“Cheri, you’re just too sensitive*.”

Along with the “too sensitive” label came this accusation:

“You’re choosing to feel this way. If you really wanted to, you would change.”

Choosing Requires Choices

For me, this “You’re CHOOSING to be TOO sensitive; otherwise you would CHANGE overnight” reasoning has been a source of extreme shame.

On the surface, it’s sounded so logical.

But I finally started wondering: How can I choose something different when I don’t know any other alternatives?

Until there’s more than one option, I’m not choosing!

I’ve performed this way, I’ve worked this hard, and I’ve been this sensitive because it’s all I’ve known how to do. And I’ve truly not know how not to.

“To the Jews who had believed him,
Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching,
you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free….
Very truly I tell you,
everyone who sins is a slave to sin….
So if the Son sets you free,
you will be free indeed.”

John 8:31-32, 34, 36

For me right now, free means that I finally see the truth: I have many options and alternatives available..

I don’t have to keep doing all I’ve ever known how to do.

And I can learn how not to!

(* ⅔ of the 300+ women who took the Women Trying to Measure Up survey in June have heard “You’re just too sensitive!” regularly, which surprised me. I, of course, thought it was “just me”!)

Your Turn!

How do those closest to you perceive you? Is this a perception you like or would rather change?

In what aspect(s) of your life do you feel like you aren’t choosing because you don’t see any choices other than the one you’re already making?

Anything else on your heart!

Grace for the Good Girl: I Don’t Know How NOT To