Episode #290: Change Your Mind — Why ‘Trying On’ Options Helps You Make Wise Decisions

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Grit ‘n’ Grace — The Podcast

Episode #290: Change Your Mind — Why ‘Trying On’ Options Helps You Make Wise Decisions

When you feel like you’re always “second-guessing” yourself, it’s tempting to idealize being a one-and-done decision-maker! But what if changing your mind isn’t a sign of weakness—but a sign of wisdom? In this episode, I’m tackling the myth that Highly Sensitive Persons are “wishy-washy.” You’ll learn how “trying on” different options can free you from the guilt of sunk costs, help you honor your real-time needs, and lead to better choices in the long-run. You’ll also gain permission to up-date out-dated decisions, while embracing God’s grace as you grow. Changing your mind does NOT make you flaky. So often, it simply means that you’re paying attention.

Welcome to Grit ‘n’ Grace – The Podcast for Highly Sensitive Christian Women!
I’m your host, Cheri Gregory.
Are you tired of the overthinking, overwhelm, and exhaustion that come with being a Highly Sensitive Person?
Are you ready to stop worrying that something’s wrong with you and start understanding and nurturing yourself as an HSP?
Together, we’ll build resilience, practice self-compassion, set healthy boundaries, unlock your creativity, and learn to embrace—not fight—your God-given sensitivity.
Let’s dig in!

Hey friend –

I’m so glad you could join me today!

Last week, we discussed why the first “rule” of HSP decision-making is Take. Your. Time. I shared how I’d verbally processed my whole car situation and possible new car research with my HSP sisters in the Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe. And how they’d helped me shift my thinking from FRILL to FOUNDATION.

This week, we’re going to explore the second “rule” of HSP decision-making: Change. Your. Mind.

Let’s go back to the end of January, when my 2009 Civic was in the shop.

I’d said a knee-jerk “yes” to costly repairs … but then, upon reflection, I realized I was still in panic mode from another family car experiencing total transmission failure WHILE I WAS DRIVING IT just a couple weeks before.

My car’s issues were NOT urgent.

BUT I’d already said “yes”!

And part of me insisted “YOU CAN’T GO BACK ON YOUR WORD!!!”

But another part responded: Watch. Me.

Because *I* am the person who has to live with the consequences.

When I called, the nice guy at the repair shop did assure me that he would cancel the repair order.

But then he threw a wrench in my plan. He said, “Go ahead and leave your car here while you decide for sure … no problem if you need to leave it for a few days.”

So I had successfully “Changed My Mind” … but I still wasn’t done.
UUUuuuuuugggghhh.

And even as I hung up the phone, I could feel everything within me leaning toward just calling back in a couple of days to say, “Go ahead!”
It was, by far, the EASIEST choice.

BUT – I was at a pivot point.
I’d been putting more and more money into that 2009 Civic.
New tires.
New paint job.
New ignition.

Plus, I had sort of a trauma bond with my 2009 Civic.

It’s the car I was driving on December 16, 2023 when I stopped at my mother’s grave site … got so absorbed cleaning up all the GOPHER DIRT from off her grave marker that I did not REALIZE that the UHaul van that paused between me and my car contained thieves … CRIMINALS … who broke my window, stole my purse and my computer bag with my brand-new laptop.

NOT TO MENTION the 108 degree day last July when I found myself lying on my back under my car sewing it back together with Zip Ties and praying to make it back home … we won’t even talk about what THOSE repairs cost, all because it was such a low-riding little car and … never mind … it is SO not a story worth telling … let’s just say I still need to write a letter to the city strongly recommending that the entrance to some particular parking spots needs to be painted with yellow and black stripes to indicate that it’s unexpectedly high AND they should put up a sign that says “short vehicles WILL bottom out and their bumper WILL come loose and then the next day that same bumper may well start falling off …” like I said, it is SO not a story worth telling …

The term for what I was wrestling with is Sunk. Cost. Bias.

“I’ve already poured so much money AND time AND energy AND emotion into this car, I should just KEEP ON POURING.

ALL THIS TO SAY … backing out of the car repair FELT WRONG … but it was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

There is a HUGE difference between “flakiness” and wise course correction!!!

I had rushed to approve the repairs from a place of panic and fear.I needed to pull back to reflect and pray-cess … EVEN IF I ended up deciding to go ahead with the repair.

Changing your mind often means you’re LEARNING and GROWING!

And especially for those of us who are HSP, this can mean we’re learning how to recognize when we’ve said “yes” without even thinking about it — we’re so programmed to just fulfill others’ expectations that it’s a knee-jerk reaction.

But now that we’re aware we have this habit … we’re starting to realize, “Hey, I just did that knee-jerk yes thing!”

Now, OF COURSE, it would be SO much more convenient for others — not to mention far easier on us — if we could recognize that knee-jerk “yes” instinct RIGHT BEFORE it kicks in.

And here’s a little piece of brain research that I find SO SO SO reassuring … because it’s so aligned with God’s redeeming Grace:

Research has found that when we’re trying to break an old bad habit and replace it with a new one — in other words, when we’re trying to rewire our own brains — NEURAL CHANGES ARE HAPPENING INSIDE OUR BRAINS even when there is NO BEHAVIORAL EVIDENCE … yet.

So when I said “yes, do the repair” and then I called back and said “no, please don’t” … that was EVIDENCE OF LEARNING and GROWTH … however imperfect.

And, yes, inconvenient.

One thing that helped me make the decision to actually bring my 2009 Civic back home from the shop was stopping by a car dealership to just LOOK at a car I’d researched — we’ll call it Car A.

Seeing that car for just 5 minutes did 2 things:

1) It convinced me that I needed Take. My. Time. — which we discussed in Episode 289

2) It convinced me that the car I’d rented a few weeks prior (when the transmission in a different family car died on the freeway half-way between home and southern CA) … that was too small.

After test-driving Car A, I realized that if I was going to SERIOUSLY consider buying a new car, my next move was NOT more car research … my next move was filing our taxes.

Now, I didn’t go to Car A dealership KNOWING I would be convinced of anything … I didn’t know that I had questions in my mind …

In fact, before I stopped by, I was 99.9% convinced that I should just cough up the $$$, get the repairs done, and move on.

But during the 5 minutes I spent at the dealership, the experiences I had there helped me Change. My. Mind.

Now let’s discuss what I do and don’t mean by Rule #2 of HSP Decision-Making: Change Your Mind.

Do I mean we should be constantly flip-flopping, never landing?

OF COURSE NOT.

What I mean is that as HSPs, we are reflective thinkers. We are also nuance noticers.

Put these two qualities together, and when possible, we make our best decisions when we can look at a situation from multiple perspectives — when we can examine first one facet then look at it from another angle to see another facet … then another and another … we VALUE seeing all sides.

So when I say “Change Your Mind” I mean try on different decisions the way you’d try on clothes for size, fit, style, drape, and flow.

Approach the decision-making process with curiosity, expecting to experience numerous simulations.

Something else I’ve noticed that many HSPs do naturally is that we can switch from big-picture thinking to tiny details and back to big-picture, effortlessly and endlessly. So during one phase of the process, we might pull back and look at the decision from a 30,000 foot view … and then during another phase, we might get up-close and microscopic.

To an outsider, this panning out and then zooming in might look like changing our mind.

But in reality, we’re adding depth and layers to our perspective.

After leaving Dealership A, I felt SO SURE that if I was going to buy a new vehicle, it was going to be Car A. I’d researched it in Consumer Reports, and it was far and away the clear winner.

But when I went to test drive it a couple weeks later, I was stunned to find that I wasn’t just unimpressed … I actively disliked it.

Which made me SO glad that I’d chosen to do broader research that put at least a couple other vehicles in the running as strong contenders.

::

Now, let me pause right here to say that when I did some crowd-sourcing on Facebook, I discovered that some people I know have walked onto a car lot, driven a car for a few minutes, and less than an hour later driven that very car home. Part of me thinks that sounds like a miracle. Part of me thinks that’s gotta be a fairy tale. And no part of me comprehends how that’s even slightly possible. I am GENUINELY thrilled for them. AND (not “but”) that would never work for the way my brain and body are wired.

::

In the book Overwhelmed, Kathi Lipp and I discussed the value of pre-deciding, which we defined this way:

Pre-deciding — before you’re facing an overwhelming situation — who you are as a person, what your core values are, and how you will act … saves you time, energy, and agony. You choose ahead of time—before the question is asked, before the problem occurs, before the dilemma arises — what you will and will not do. Who you will and will not be. Pre-deciding puts your core values into action long before they are put to the test.

Pre-deciding makes sure your Future Self is your very best self.

Sometimes, pre-deciding is absolutely CORE … ESPECIALLY in key areas like morals and values.

And other times, in the details of life, re-deciding is vital — honoring your real-time needs rather than arbitrarily and slave-ishly sticking to a previously-made decision.

Decision-reversal is a thing.

And it can play an important role in learning to trust yourself.

In some situations, your Past Self wasn’t wrong – your present self just has more information and insight.

Of course, I’m well aware of the scripture that says “let your yay be yay and your nay be nay.” I’m VERY familiar with phrases like “my word is my bond” and “once I commit to something, I’ll follow-thru even if it kills me.”

AND

it’s been vital for me to learn, as an HSP, that not every “yes” is a matter of life-or-death.

Sometimes, my “yes” — your “yes” … sometimes our “yes” represents our BEST GUESS.

When the thing you agreed to undergoes a CHANGE in scope or purpose or direction, you’re allowed to Change. Your. Mind. because while you said “yes” to THAT back there … you did NOT say “yes” to THIS right here.

Two things I see so often with the HSP Christian women I coach one-on-one or work with in the Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe is a blind loyalty, where they’ve said “yes” to a specific commitment …

… and then that commitment grows and expands to the point that they would NEVER have said “yes” to it … the term for this is “scope creep” …

OR

They’ve said “yes” to a specific commitment, and then something in their own life has changed drastically … their own health, the needs of their family, their financial circumstances, the demands on them at work … and NOW they would NEVER say “yes” to the commitment …

… but they feel like they are duty-bound to honor that original commitment, even though SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.

This is where decision-reversal comes in … and yes, we HATE the idea of disappointing others. Some of us are downright TERRIFIED of being “such the disappointment” to quote A Tale of Despereaux.

But you are allowed to re-negotiate a prior commitment based on PRESENT circumstances.

You let other people “off the hook” all the time … it’s part of your empathetic nature. You say things like, “I totally understand!” and “I would never want you to over-do on my account!”

Other people can be gracious to you, too.

You don’t need to over-explain or over-apologize. You can simply let them know that you need to re-visit the prior commitment.

Another way to think of “Change Your Mind” is to reframe it as UP-DATING an OUT-DATED decision.

Which brings me to a super-practical step that’s VITAL to using the Change. Your. Mind. strategy responsibly:

KEEP WRITTEN RECORDS.

Keep TRACK of the options you’ve “tried on” … what you learned … what next options you’ve tested … and once you make a final decision, list your reasons FOR that decision and AGAINST the other options.

Going back to my car research process, my adult son came with me to each of the 3 dealerships where I test-drove possible new cars. As soon as we were done at each one, he asked me specific questions about the vehicle itself AND the overall experience. This allowed me to verbally process in real time, and then I went home and took notes.

(In hindsight, I wish I’d thought to record a “Voice Memo” of each conversation we had on the way home and then had it transcribed … that’s a note for next time!)

After being truly disappointed by Car A, an hour later I test drove Car B and was surprised in the opposite direction. I had not expected to like it, but I loved it.

Part of me wanted to head straight to Dealership C. But it was a significant drive away, and I’d pre-decided to head there the next day.

That night, as I jotted down my notes, two things had become clear:

1. I’d gone from being 99.9% sure I’d buy Car A to there being no chance that I’d buy it.

2. I was SO sold on Car B, that Car C would have to REALLY WOW me.

24 hours later, after driving Car C, I’d changed my mind yet again.

While Car C had not wow-ed me enough to be the clear winner, I was absolutely convinced that I had two equally excellent choices before me … that no matter which way I went — Car B or Car C — there was no bad choice.

And that felt great.

I decided I would go with whoever gave me the better financial offer.

I sent two almost identical emails to both Dealership B and Dealership C, spelling out my pricing expectations based on Consumer Reports, and asking them to verify the out-the-door cost for each car.

Dealership C responded immediately, in the affirmative.

The next morning, I had brunch with my dear friend Kathi Lipp, and she asked, “So, how’s the car research going?”

As I shared my process, she said, “It really sounds like you’re leaning ever-so-slightly toward Car B, am I right?”

And I realized: She’s right! I HAVE made my choice!

Less than 10 minutes later, an email arrived from Dealership B.

An email that made it clear that once again, Cheri Gregory, it’s time to Change. Your. Mind.

And you’ll hear that story — complete with a cameo appearance from my son Jonathon — in the next episode!

But right now, I want to introduce you to a surprise guest! It’s one of my favorite fiction-writers, Laura Joy Lloyd, and she’s going to share an experience that fits with today’s Change. Your. Mind. theme.

Hey everyone. This is Laura Joy Lloyd. I’m going to read you an email I sent Cheri Gregory, but first, I want to give you a little background. Several years ago, I was receiving cheri’s email newsletters where she offers help and encouragement to Christian women who identify as highly sensitive, or in other words, we experience life in nuanced and deep ways. When Cheri began talking about a new program she’d be offering an online group for women like me to learn and grow together, I was intrigued, but this was the fall of 2020, I was feeling overwhelmed from the initial surge of pandemic related issues, from having recently moved and started a new business, from all the decisions related to shaping my emerging writing career, the Early Bird deadline to register for cheris, new program landed right when I was putting out fires elsewhere. There was just no way I could even think about committing to the program or even asking about it. Even the word deadline kind of stressed me out. The answer had to be no. Actually, the answer was just silence, no response from me at all,

But Cheri, being Cheri, continued to send little notes letting me know she cared about me whether or not I registered for the group. I remember the exact moment I decided to ask for more information. It was a Thursday morning, nearly a week past the registration deadline, and I was swimming in our community pool, an activity I love because my mind can go blank and I can think about anything or nothing. Some of my best ideas occur while I’m swimming. Here’s the email I sent Cheri later that morning. Hi Cheri. Twice before I’ve thought I might be interested in this group, then decided it wasn’t for me. This morning’s prompt tells me I should at least ask questions true confessions. I had to dig this email out of the trash to respond. I’m an HSP who has found pretty solid ways of dealing with a non HSP world. Most of the time I don’t put a lot of thought into my HSP tendencies and just stick with what works for me. However, I’m a new writer, and as I’m settling into my style and focus, I think I may be seeing trends that I’m writing to other HSPs. Is that even a thing? So I’m curious if this group may be a way for God to grow me while putting me in a situation to encourage others too. Is there still room in the group? Do you know when the meetings will be and what kind of time commitment we’re looking at? Would I still qualify for an early bird rate if I was thinking about it before the deadline? Thanks for your consideration, Cheri, my willingness to change my mind and ask questions even when expectations had clearly been communicated meant I could honor my own pace for making this decision, even if my pace didn’t match cheris timeline. Sometimes we don’t have the liberty to do this. An opportunity comes up and we need to make a quick, irreversible decision. But I wonder how many of the decisions I think need to be one and done are decisions I could give myself more room for. Think about the choices from different angles. Ask questions and more questions change my mind again. Yes, I might miss out on something wonderful by not acting quickly. In this case, though, if I hadn’t changed my mind and asked questions, I would have missed out on everything that came after everything wonderful about being in cheris online group. On the flip side, I’m learning to be more lenient with the deadlines I set for others. Yes, many times it’s necessary to stick to those deadlines in order to accomplish the work. But now I think it’s fun to set a deadline and allow for a bit of a buffer afterward then wait to see what happens, because every once in a while, right after the deadline passes, a nice little surprise turns up.

So, as we pull into the parking lot for this week’s episode, I want to invite you, once again, to “come on in” and join me in the Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe — my favorite place for ‘trying on’ options and learning new HSP decision-making skills.
Inside the Cafe, you’ll find a safe space designed especially for Highly Sensitive Christian women like you and me. It’s where we gently unpack the overthinking, the second-guessing, the “But I already said yes!” spirals — and replace them with clarity, self-compassion, and confidence in how God wired us, at the DNA level, to live as HSPs.
Because here’s the truth: you are allowed to update outdated decisions. You are allowed to reflect, reassess, and respond to your present reality. And in the Cafe, we practice doing just that — with all the grace … and zero shame.
To learn more about the Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe, just head to CheriGregory.com/Cafe, or click the link in the show notes.

Thank you for listening to Grit ‘n’ Grace – The Podcast for Highly Sensitive Christian Women!

I hope this episode leaves you feeling encouraged and equipped to thrive, and Change. Your. Mind. as part of your decision-making process!

Be sure to follow in your favorite podcast app and share this episode with a friend!
If you’re brand new to the whole HSP concept, come take the “Am I a Highly Sensitive Person?” quiz — you’ll find that link in the show notes.
And remember: God created you sensitive; in Christ, you are always strong.