One Way to Learn to Listen
“uh…Mom?”
Oops—I’m doing it again.
Fake listening while one of my children is talking to me.
Clearly, I’ve missed my cue to answer a question or offer my opinion or simply acknowledge their presence.
“Say that again?” I request.
This time, my child prompts me, repeating their last line so I can save face. Often, though, they just stop talking and drift out of the room, without me ever noticing.
Which probably happens more often than I know.
My One Word for 2016
My One Word for 2016 came to me a few weeks ago after I’d fake listened yet again but not realized it until several hours later.
As I tried to reconstruct the scenario—
Hey, they were talking about … I don’t remember … They must have … because I wasn’t …
—conviction hit hard:
I am a terrible …
(No, that’s condemntation.)
I don’t know how to listen.
- As a Sanguine/Expressive, I love to talk.
- As a Choleric/Driver, I love to boss.
- When I mask Melancholy/Analytic, I’m a know-it-all.
- When I go into HSP overload, I get so distracted by all my hypothetical lives I hardly notice the real people in my real life.
I thought about the people in my life who are good listeners.
What do they all have in common?
Great listeners ask great questions.
Ask
So, I jumped at question as my word for 2016.
But then I worried that question carries a cynical tone to it, which I don’t want. Asking my Facebook friends the difference they sensed between ask and question helped me settle on ask.
Then, I remembered Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door
will be opened to you.For everyone who asks receives;
the one who seeks finds;
and to the one who knocks,
the door will be opened.Matthew 7:7-8
Asking means receiving, which is something else I’m terrible at. (I’m especially bad at simply receiving what is offered vs. what I think I want, need, and/or should have!)
4 Scenarios from 4 Days In
I’m already finding that “ask” is far more multi-faceted than I’d imagined. Here are just a few practice opportunities that have shown up:
1) In conversations, instead of listening so I can add my 2 cents as soon as possible, I’ve been listening so I can formulate the best possible question(s) to ask. (Hint: these are totally different experiences!)
2) When contemplating my goals for the year, my plans for the month, my schedule for the day, instead of trying to figure out my next move myself, I’ve been asking God to guide me in simply taking the next most faithful step. (Ditto!)
3) Over the weekend, I felt impressed to invite a friend to go to an event with me. I started to tell myself that she’s waaaaaay too busy. And then I realized that ask can also mean invite!
4) Instead of mulling and stewing for hours (or days … or weeks … or months…!) over some concerns I have about someone close to me, I asked questions. Questions with no agendas.
Why Learn to Listen?
Listening will help us better understand people.
And the people God places in our lives will no longer need to prompt us out of fake listening mode. They will no longer drift out of the room without us noticing.
But my main reasons for learning how to listen by learning how to ask?
The people God places in our lives will finally feel heard.
In the process, we will hear more — and more clearly — from God.
Q4U:
What One Word or focus have you chosen for 2016? Why this one?
I have never chosen a word to use, but I would love to adopt your “ask.”
So many times I feel hurt by something that was said or done, or afraid of how someone will react or feel. But I keep my mouth shut and take my rant to Jesus. Not that He minds.
If I were to ask about the motive behind the hurtful something I might find out that it had nothing do to with me at all. If I were to ask someone how they felt about something I might find that it doesn’t bother them at all. And maybe spend more time quietly in Jesus’ presence, rather than spilling my hurt and fear at His feet. Not that He minds.
Thank you for being real and sharing your faith journey!
Your tattooed Sister-in-Christ
Hi Cheri,
I’m visiting from Bonnie’s link-up today, and I just love how you’re putting your word into practice! Discovering new facets of the word — especially that ask means also invite (instead of assuming your friend is too busy) is such a beautiful way to approach the new year! Glad to meet you! 🙂
I’ve picked two words to focus on, for the two areas of my life that need the most work but go hand in hand: fearless and delight.
Listen…Guilty of finally tuning in to someone talking to me at least half-way through their communication…frustrating to my husband in particular – Many times I really don.’t care about a sports comment or a TV show replay, but it is important for my husband to share something…Struggling with this…
Timely and applicaple post from you; thank you!
Well, I definitely need to learn to listen. I listened (lol) to a great video by Susan Seay about listening. Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gw7taBpRIU. So my word this year is Encourage. I find that I tend to criticize, belittle and just be frustrated with the people in my life and I want words of life to come from me as God works through me. So instead of what I want to say, I want to think how I can encourage in that situation. Also, I want to reach out to others and use my gift of encouragement to lift others up (it’s easier with those not in my family), but I’m an introvert and it’s tough to step out of my comfort zone.
I’ve started the new year by reading The Listening Life by Adam S. McHugh. There are so many relevant stories and practical applications from a God perspective in this book about listening that I have already decided (half way through) I must read it again, and take notes! to fully absorb and put things into practice in my own life.
Change. I am changing how I approach issues, how I treat myself, what I allow myself to put up with. I am changing my vision and most importantly, changing my attitude.
I love your thoughts on “ask” and getting to the heart of listening. Oh how I needed this reminder today, as I interact with my children and with my husband.
For me, my 2016 word… “Declutter.” I have been using the tag #declutter2016. I am decluttering multiple areas of my life–materialism, broken relationships, activities, too much tv/movies, wasted time, and my list of ongoing worries. I am decluttering and removing all the unhealthy excessiveness. This is my year to purge, to remove, to release to God…to get healthy.
Happy New Year Cheri! And blessings to you!
i have chosen #Joy #oneword365 since i have been waiting for the Lord to move me for the last three years and thought i was waiting for a breakthrough and a comeback. I choose joy not misery.