5 Steps from Feisty to Friendly with Family

My Mother’s Approach

My mother’s home-making skills put Martha Stewart to shame.

She strategized meals the way an artist plans a great work, using colored pencils to sketch out the precise placement of foods on the buffet for maximum visual appeal.

She set an elegant table with the beige, green, and gold china she brought from Germany and her Royal Doulton “Old Country Roses” dessert set.

She served amazing gourmet meals within 30 seconds of the appointed dinner hour, hot foods always hot and cold foods always cold.

She created beautiful centerpieces with flowers from her garden.

It was the same way for the rest of the house. As a Melancholy, she knew the right way everything — and I do mean everything! — should be done. And as a Choleric, she made sure things happened her way.

Or. Else.

My Approach

As a Sanguine child, I craved fun. But the work of keeping up a perfect house was never-ceasing.

I did not value the beauty my mother strove to create. I vowed that when I had my own home, I was not going to be nearly so persnickety.

So my home-making skills are on the opposite side of the spectrum. Which loosely translates to

less intentional.

more messy.

less structured.

more chaotic.

I have intentionally not “become my mother” in the area of home-making skills.

But has this translated to greater harmony in my home?

Hardly.

True, my list of “how things should be done” is shorter.

I am more REASONABLE.

I am SO MUCH easier to please.

I ask SO MUCH LESS of my children.

So WHY is it so HARD to put the DISHes inSIDE the DISHwasher WHERE. THEY. BE. LONG?!?

Ahem.

Evidently, it’s not the approach to home-making that produces frustration and raised maternal voices.

It’s my approach to the people in my home.

LET. IT. GO.

Reading Chapter 6, “Hovering Over the Home,” in LET. IT. GO. was more than just a little unsettling for me:

When giving instruction, it appears that [the Proverbs 31 woman] was careful to speak in a way that honored and glorified God. The Amplified Version, verse 26, rendered as close to the original language as possible, reads,

“She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].”

Kindness.

The tone of voice you’d use with a stranger.

Friendly, not feisty.

And “giving counsel.”

Counsel is giving advice and guidance in a gentle but direct way that helps the person seeking the instruction.

Counsel is not barking.

Counsel is not belittling.

Counsel is not filled with superlatives like “Why can you ever…?” and “See, you never…”

Yes, we should be conscientious, giving counsel; but we should not be controlling, or complaining with criticism. (Click to Tweet this.)

(Karen: Why do I feel like you’ve had a secret video camera in my house?)

Trying a Little Kindness

So, despite the thousands of times I know I’ve asked Jonathon to PUT AWAY THE WAFFLE MAKER, this morning I resisted the urge to nag.

I simply stopped by his room and said, “Son, I notice the waffle maker is still out on the counter…” and before I could continue to “Is it still cooling or can it be put away?” he said, “Oh, I’m sorry; I’ll take care of it.”

And he did!

Instead of venting my frustration at Annemarie for always using up all the peanut butter and old fashioned oats when she’s home, I simply asked, “What have you been eating that needs to be added to the grocery list?”

And in addition to the peanut butter and oats, she mentioned three others items we were running low on!

When I found the stove covered with burned food after Daniel had made his fabulous breakfast sandwich, rather than fume about it, I cleaned it.

(He doesn’t care; I do; end of story!)

I know that 1 Peter 3:15 is not referring to the upkeep of the home or even to family members. But the last line is a great reminder for all relationships, not just people I hope to “impress” with my Christian witness:

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

Always be prepared to give an answer

to everyone who asks you to give the reason

for the hope that you have.

But do this with gentleness and respect.

In fact, how confusing must my relationship with Christ appear when I am more gentle and respectful to strangers than I am to my own children and husband?

5 Steps from Feisty to Friendly (Click to Tweet this list.)

Here’s how I’m learning to switch from feisty to friendly:

Pause before speaking.
Pray to reflect God’s love rather than reveal my self-ish heart.
Get clear about what I want: What specific action am I requesting? By when?
Test my tone: constricted and high-pitched or relaxed and low?
Set a time to discuss any recurring issues that need to be addressed.

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Your Turn:

What kind of home did you grow up in: super-neat or super-messy? How has this influenced your home-making approach?

Do you tend to speak to your family members with the same regard you would to a stranger, or do you have “special tones” reserved for the “special people” in your life?

Which of the 5 steps looks like a trouble spot for you? Why?

Anything else on your heart!