The Solution to All-or-Nothing Parenting
LET. IT. GO.
In Chapter 5 of LET. IT. GO. — “Domestic Director or Tin-Pot Dictator?” — Karen describes her last encounter with a parenting program that was popular when she was a new parent.
Adhering to the rigid rules of “the book,” a friend whipped her own 4-year-old daughter for a minor offense until the child’s thighs were bright red.
“I’d never felt so sick in all my life,” Karen reflects. “I never read the rest of the book.”
“All” or “Nothing” Parenting
Reading this brought back a memory I’ve not thought about for close to twenty years.
I was visiting a friend who followed a similar parenting program. In front of me, she slapped her less-than-one-year-old’s hands until the child cried. My friend then said, “That’s what I wanted to hear.”
The child’s offense? Touching the food on the plate in front of her before she was given permission.
I was so dismayed, I cried the whole way home.
In retrospect, I see how much I allowed a single incident to confirm my already leniency-leaning parenting style.
Horrified by what I considered over-correction, I committed to err on the side of what I considered mercy.
I was determined not to be a heavy-handed parent. I did not want to hear my children cry!
In fact, I couldn’t stand to hear my children cry.
- Or express sadness.
- Or experience disappointment.
- Or feel frustration.
In my zeal to avoid being an “I-will-weild-all-the-control” parent, I turned into an “I-will-allow-nothing-to-cause-pain” parent.
Which is really just the flip side of the coin.
And comes with its own set of issues.
(See “No Rescue Needed: Necessary Pain & Disappointment” and “Pain and Disappointment: What’s Necessary & What’s Not”)
Surrendered Parenting
The problem with the “all” approach to parenting is that it’s parent-centric. The problem with the “nothing” approach is that it’s child-centric. And any approach centered on the needs of fallible people is guaranteed to be greatly flawed.
I am very late in discovering a surrendered approach to parenting (& marriage & life, to be honest!)
My children are about to turn 20 and 22.
My list of “I wish I had”s is long.
- I wish I had “grown up” before having children.
- I wish I had found a Godly mentor when my children were younger.
- I wish I had made my relationship with God my #1 priority, far above my marriage, my children, and my job.
(And these are just for starters!)
But I can’t go back.
So I’m committed to…
- surrendering my expectations of my children and inviting God to replace them with His hope-filled vision for them.
- surrendering my fickle emotion-based “love” for my children and trusting God to truly love them far more, and far better, than I ever have or possibly can.
- surrendering the easy routes of over-involvement in my children’s lives or denial that there’s anything wrong, and committing myself to praying without ceasing for them both.
- surrendering my natural, knee-jerk reactions and seeking God’s guidance when responding to them, especially when emotions (hers, his, mine, or all of ours!) are escalating.
- surrendering my tendency to judge my personal self-worth based on how well my children are “turning out,” and basing my identity soley on who God says I am in Him.
Find rest, O my soul,in God alone;my hope comes from Him.Psalm 62:5
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Your Turn:
- What kind of parent do you tend to be: all or nothing? Has this been a matter of choice or habit? (If you’re not a parent, what kind of relator do you tend to be?)
- What parenting books and/or programs have you found helpful as a parent? (If you’re not a parent, what relationship books and/or programs have you found helpful as a maturing person?)
- What kind of mentor(s) do you have as a parent? (If you’re not a parent, what kind of mentor(s) do you have for life?)
- Anything else on your heart!
