The One Hope for a Marriage of Opposites

Feeling vs. Thinking

My husband dislikes emotions so much that he would become a Vulcan if only he could.

I, on the other hand, am loving my new hobby of dramatic monologue. (As my instructor put it, my job as a performer is “to feel for the audience“!)

My husband once told me, “I can’t stand things that aren’t logical!” in the morning and then “You’re just so illogical!” in the afternoon.

And then was baffled when I came to the tearful conclusion that he couldn’t stand me.

Ahhh, the joys of a T(hinker) married to an F(eeler)!

According to Meyers-Briggs, Daniel is an INTP, and I’m an ENFJ.

We’re pretty much as opposite as can be. And our opposite approaches to emotions has been the #1 cause of frustration in our marriage.

Expectations vs. Reality

I expected Daniel to be my male BFF once we got married: I would pour out my feelings, and he would hold me, stoke my hair, dry my tears. I would feel understood, validated, and comforted. Nirvana!

Imagine my surprise when it turned out that Daniel was pretty much allergic to tears. The only thing that made him more hostile was an incompetent driver!

His solution to the issue of tears was an immediate barrage of logical information. Tears must be the result of incorrect information; thus, correct information should solve the problem.

Needless to say, his torrent of data did nothing to comfort me. In fact, to Daniel’s dismay, it somehow made me feel worse! The more he explained, the more I cried; the more I cried, the more he explained.

If I Could Turn Back Time

As we meander through our 25th year of marriage, Daniel and I are reflecting back on our early years. With some regret, yes, but mostly sympathetic chuckles for our silly, stubborn, immature former selves.

If I could speak wisdom to newlywed me, it would sound a lot like Romans 5:3-5:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character; and character, hope.

And hope does not disappoint us,

because God has poured out his love into our hearts 

by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I most certainly did not “rejoice” in my sufferings during the first decade of our marriage!

When Daniel and I got into one of our Thinker-vs-Feeler fights, I was devastated. I tried to make him empathize with me. When that didn’t work, I thought about leaving. Then I felt guilty, and I vowed to change who I was and become more like him.

We fought the same battle over and over — his way vs. my way. We never progressed, and neither of us grew.

What I Know Now

Through good books, counselors, and support groups, my immature expectations were finally challenged.

I learned to reframe absolutes — such as “I need Daniel to ______” — as preferences.

And when my actual valid needs went un-met, I learned to find appropriate ways to meet them, rather than resenting him for ignoring them.

I learned to turn to God, rather than a flawed fellow human, for my source of worth and identity. I was thrilled to discover that Jesus can handle women who cried; after all, he wept with them!

My character began to change, but my goal was no longer to become like my husband so that he’d like me better and fight with me less. My new goal was to become more like Christ. A Christian in daily living, not just in name or habit.

For years, I had tried to work on my marriage. Or, to be more precise, I had tried to work on Daniel. Tried to turn him into the husband I’d expected so that we would have the marriage I’d expected.

But when I left Daniel alone and started working on my own “stuff,” my disappointment in him, and with our marriage, began to ebb. The more I grew, the more hope grew, too.

How ironic: when I gave up my expectations, I got what I’d wanted all along.

Two Imperfect People Loved by One Perfect God

The perfect ending to this blog post would be for me to report that as I’ve become “less emotional,” Daniel has gotten more comfortable with emotions, right?

But Daniel is still allergic to my tears. (He bravely survived my first monologue performance in May, but it’s actually a good thing he missed my second one in October!)

No, the only “perfect ending” is the God who is still hard at work on both of us, pouring out His love into our perpetually empty hearts. He is the best — and eternal — hope for our marriage!

Try This:  

If you’re not already familiar with the Meyers-Briggs inventory, check it out!  Personality Pathways gives you an overview. You can Google the actual test (…give yourself 20-30 minutes to take it!)

Your Turn:

• If you’re familiar with your Meyers-Briggs “score,” what are you? How does your pattern blend/not blend with those you’re close to? What holiday (and everyday!) challenges do you face?

• How do you respond to the progression of “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope”? Is this encouraging or discouraging to you? Why?

• Anything else on your heart!