Taking a PURSE-onal Look at Perfectionism
Let’s take a “PURSE-onal”* look at Perfectionism today.
Since the life goal of the Melancholy is to achieve (and maintain!) perfection, it’s easy to assume that all Melancholies are “perfection-ists”.
Not so.
When a woman lives a Spirit-led life in her natural PURSE-onality, she is living in her strengths, sharing her natural gifts.
The God-given strengths of a Melancholy are analysis, organization, compassion, devotion, depth, sincerity, and so much more! Her core identity does not reflect the relentlessly critical, dissatisfied spirit of the perfectionist.
This isn’t to say that your Melancholy sister won’t sigh when she finds a dirty dish in the sink or arrange your spices in alphabetical order the moment you turn your back.
But her motivation may not be at all what you think.
Non-Melancholies–especially those of us who are especially sensitive to criticism–can pass harsh judgements on their behaviors.
And we are often wrong.
I’ve learned this the hard way with my own mother. For decades, I took every “tsk-tsk” she uttered under her breath as a stab in my heart, proof that she did not “accept me for who I am.”
What I now understand is that my mother’s desire for perfection makes her an idealist. Because she loves me so much, she is literally pained when she can not provide the absolute best for me. And what is the absolute best? Perfection!
Her sighs and “tsk-tsks” are not aimed at me; they are aimed at a world she feels is not good enough for me. They express her longing for heaven, where she knows everything will finally be “just right” for her little girl.
“And the one sitting on the throne said,
‘Look, I am making everything new!’“
Revelation 21:5a
Your Turn!
- Who in your life exhibits the strengths of the Melancholy PURSE-onality?
- When might you have over-reacted to a Melancholy’s criticism? How might you re-interpret it in a more positive light?
- Anything else on your heart or mind…
*If you’re not familiar with the Personalities, you can hear several of my messages by clicking here:
Wow, that was the most compassionate description I’ve ever read of a melancholy. Very rarely have I heard someone mention “compassion” or “devotion” when discussing this trait. Usually all I hear is how ridiculous I am for having my spices alphabatized, and a place for everything, and wanting everything in it’s place. And let’s not get started on what people think of my clipboard. 😀 It was nice to be encouraged to be spirit-led with my personality. It really has only been since truly coming into a relationship with Christ that I’ve been able to put the annoying aspects, the stereo-typical ones of a melancholy, to rest. That said, please don’t mess with my spice drawer. ;D
Cheri, this is just what I needed to read today. I have been struggling for the past few years in my relationship with my mother. While she does criticize and judge, I (being a melancholy to the max) also take it too much to heart. Can’t wait to meet you at She Speaks.
Wonderful post! I am your mom! But I don’t want my children to take my sighs the wrong way like you did for so long, so I explain to them that it isn’t because of what they’ve done but, just like you said, because I want everything to be perfect for them and so much is out of my control. I’m filing this post away for later reading when I need encouragement. Thanks!
This is SO me!! I find myself thinking those thoughts of “how can you live this way” so often at my mothers house or my friends’ houses!!! I never say these things out loud of course, because in all honesty I really dont care that things are the way they are and that they live the way they live, it’s just that I personally do not choose to live in what I consider to be “chaos”. I don’t judge others, I have come to realize that we are all different and we all make choices on how we choose to live and what we need to live in an environment of peace. It was hard for me though to get to that point of accepting that there is not right or wrong, but that we are all created differntly by our GOD!! I do though find myself sometimes wanting to “help” those that have “messes”….but i’ll only step in if i hear the complaining about the mess or the “wish” for help…I’m always there asking “what do you want me to do first??!!!” lol!!
I’m not so sure I agree with you. I am a melancholy/control (not sure which one was more, probably the control). And maybe that’s where the difference comes in. I cannot see myself in your mother’s shoes (wanting perfection for my kids etc). I have a drive to have everything in order. I recently went back to work and have jobs for my kids to do in summer while I am gone. When I come home, the jobs haven’t been finished and the house is usually a mess. I am totally stressed until it all gets done. Part of that is the control, I’m sure. “They’re not doing what I told them!” Part of that is not wanting to live in a mess. I’ve actually gotten better. You probably couldn’t tell, by looking at my house, that I am a perfectionist. I’ve learned it’s necessary to throttle back on that, especially when you live with a messy husband and kids.
Hmmm…I think this is a bit of an apples/oranges scenario. I was thinking about my mother’s reactions to visiting my house once I was married. She wasn’t responding to how anyone treated her “territory” — she was reacting to the fact that my kitchen wasn’t organized the way she would have organized it…and, thus, she was sure it was unnecessarily difficult for me to cook, clean, etc. Because when things are prepared “right” it’s so much easier to get “right” results!
You’re describing your response to your own home being left a mess and your direct communication being ignored. It sounds as though your PURSE-onality goals (perfection and control) are being violated, and needs (order, sensitivity, achievement, appreciation) are also going un-met. In such circumstances, when others are being disrespectful, we are going to step in and take care of ourselves.
I think Melancholy (especially melancholy/choleric) women have it the hardest in our society — what they need in order to live in their strengths is so dependent on the cooperation of those they live with. You can stay up ’til 3:00 AM getting the house “perfect” and feel great…until the people wake up and start messing it all up!
Until I really understood how important order is for my husband (I “married my mother”!), I thought he was a neat freak — not a flattering term at all. Now I understand that the exact same drive for perfection that causes him to spend 6 hours fixing my computer until it works perfectly also causes him to feel badly when the house is a mess.