Leadership Lessons from Salsa Class

Over at Chrysalis, it’s Marriage Monday! Today’s topic is Leadership.

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Five years ago, Marriage Partnership featured a fun article by Mayo Mathers called “All the Right Moves: What a Salsa Dance Class Taught My Husband and Me About Love.”

To my surprise, Daniel read the entire article.

To my utter shock, he then proposed, “We should take Salsa lessons!”

I signed us up the next morning, before he could change his mind. We spent ten weeks experiencing first-hand much of what we’d read in the article, especially

Rule #2: The Man Needs to Lead

During our second lesson, everyone became thoroughly confused about a new step. So Victoria stopped the music and patiently demonstrated it again. When she’d finished, she said, “I’m going to turn the music back on and we’ll try it again. There’s only one thing to remember. Can you tell me what that is?”All 20 men immediately shouted in unison, “The men lead!” Ah-h-h! Now Steve felt like he’d gotten his money’s worth.This second rule of dance provided some amazing insights. While the men of our class understood the concept of leading, none of the women did. As a result, the men felt as though the women were resisting their lead when all we were trying to do was keep up. Victoria quickly recognized the root of the problem.”Gentlemen!” she admonished. “You can’t jerk your partner’s arm over her head at the last moment and expect her to be able to twirl gracefully. It keeps her off balance. Gently lift her arm before you twirl her so she knows where you’re taking her.”It made perfect sense! The secret to beautiful dancing is in how the man leads….I realized my resistance to his lead always came when I felt jerked around, with no time to discuss a given circumstance or contemplate options.Salsa made me realize I didn’t object to following Steve’s lead; I objected to having no sense of where we were going. I was more than willing to follow…not knowing incited my resistance.

Before Salsa lessons, I’d given up on giving input in our marriage. I’d been lambasted too many times for “being so emasculating” when offering my opinion and for “questioning my judgement” when asking for clarification. I’d gone silent and sullen, passively (but quietly!) resisting Daniel at every turn.

The physical experience of learning to Salsa dance together let me feel how connected we became when I relaxed into my husband’s lead. And Daniel felt how relaxed I became — and stayed! — when he gave me even small hints about where he was about to take us.

Dance lessons didn’t solve every problem in our marriage overnight, of course. But after those ten weeks of Salsa, the dreaded “emasculating” and “questioning judgement” comments never resurfaced. And I consciously tried — and still try — to follow more willingly.

When I feel myself tightening into a knot of control-freak questions and comments, I choose to relax — remember it’s a dance! — and go with the flow of my husband’s lead.