It’s Not Scary; It’s Normal!

“I’m scared of your house.”

So this is the thanks I get for offering my beach cottage as a writing retreat to a friend (I will refrain from naming names, but her initials are Kathi Lipp.)

When I e-mailed her a short (five pages, typed) list of things I thought she should know about the house (former army barracks, circa 1940), I expected that as a wordsmith, she’d know the difference between “quirky” and (whoooooo-hooo-hooo-hoooo…) “scary”.

Take the kitchen, for example:

1) Oven runs HOT. Set it for 50 degrees lower than normal unless you enjoy the taste of charcoal. The toaster oven burns everything to a crisp. Ditto the electric skillet. Microwave, on the other hand, takes fifteen minutes just for the little light bulb inside to go on.

2) Never use more than two plugged-in devices at the same time. If you start a third, the circuit breaker will flip and everything will stop. This means unplugging any charging cell phones if you want to use both the microwave and toaster oven.

3) The refrigerator door fell off last weekend. It generally only does this once every year or two, so we think it’s had enough excitement for 2009.

4) All food in the house has cat and/or dog fur already in it, even if you’ve just opened the can and there’s not a cat or dog in sight. There is no extra charge for this.

I suppose my cautions about the Master Bathroom might seem a little “different” to someone who hasn’t gotten used to the “character” of the house over several years:

1) Shower temperatures are OPPOSITE of what you’d expect. So if you’re freezing, turn it to the RIGHT; scalding, turn it to LEFT!

2) Scalding isn’t likely to be a problem. Water — shower and tap — takes 4-5 minutes to warm up. You’ll hear a change in the tone of the pipes. When the water gets hot, you have exactly 90 seconds before all the hot water is gone until the next day.

3) Turn the sink on only 1/2 way — unless you want a high pressure shower while fully clothed. (It will, of course, be a cold shower!)

4) If you hit the light switch in the bathroom the wrong way, it’ll shut off electricity in the master bedroom. You’ll have to hit the “re-set” button. This will TOTALLY mess up the Sleep Number bed, so you’ll want to remember to re-set your number preferences at night. It’ll also cause the clock to blink the wrong time (which is a helpful reminder to re-set the bed.)

5) The window falls out if it’s opened more than an inch or two. So far, it’s never broken (but there’s always a first time!)

Okay, I’ll admit, when I re-read the list with a more critical eye, some parts do seem kinda scary. Doors and windows that jump out at you, a shower alternates between freezing and scalding, and kitchen appliances that require you to defend yourself with a fire extinguisher aren’t, I guess, exactly “normal.”

As I make a new list – a “Fix It” list intended to lower the number of “quirks” in the house – I wonder how much poor treatment I willingly accept from other people, complacently telling myself, “It’s not scary; it’s normal!”

More importantly, how much of my own bad behavior do I excuse by saying, “I’m a bit quirky! It’s just my character!”

Who am I scalding with my frustration flares? (All the while, I’m assuring myself, “They should be used to my hot-and-cold habits by now!”)

What relationships are turning crispy when I unexpectedly over-heat in anger? (I let myself off the hook because, after all, they should know better than to “push my buttons”!)

Why do I run myself, and others, to the point of shut-down and re-set? (We don’t talk much about “workaholism” these days…it’s the safe, even admirable, “drug” of choice.)

As I hand my “Fix It” list to my landlord, I also need to turn over my personal “quirk” and “character” list to the Holy Spirit.

Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

Some of what I consider normal really is pretty scary, after all. But I know from His word and years of personal experience that God is faithful to “fix it,” if I’m willing to hand over my struggles to Him.

And I am.

The alternative is to stick to my “It’s normal” story and allow my so-called “quirks” to keep hurting the people I love.

Now that’s scary.