Grace for the Good Girl: The "Fruits" of People-Pleasing
“For all the times I rush around…trying to fix and influence the people and circumstances around me, I simultaneously feel resentful that I am the one to manage it all. Why doesn’t anyone else fix this? Why do I have to be the one?
“You feel lonely, unimportant, and not-as-good-as, while at the same time you experience feelings of deep resentment toward those who always turn to you. You have trained people to think you have no needs, but you are secretly angry with them for believing you.”
“Just” Perfectionism
When I launched the “Women Trying to Measure Up” survey in June, my main target was perfectionism.
I’d just performed my paradigm-shifting monologue: The PERFECT(ionism) Crime.
I was making progress on my long-stalled graduate degree by submitting work that was “good enough.”
I’d met my enemy, and it was going down.
Bye-bye perfectionism!
Hello new, free me!
People-Pleasing: Ewww!
Then I read the survey comments on people-pleasing and just about had a heart attack.
Responders used a wide variety of descriptive words to characterize perfectionists, performers, and procrastinators.
But for people-pleasers, two words kept showing up.
Over and over again.
Two words that terrified me because they describe the condition of my heart for decades:
“resentful” and “bitter“
People-Pleasing: Me, Too?!?
I have never thought of myself as a people-pleaser, “just” a perfectionist.
And yet here I sat, 45 years old, well into mid-life, being smacked by reality.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve smilingly offered to “help out” while thinking, I hope they appreciate what a sacrifice I’m making…
The times I’ve said, “Oh, sure, no problem!” while thinking, This is going to cost me three nights of sleep…
The times I’ve bitten my tongue while thinking, Only a complete jerk would do what he just did…
My reward for years of doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), reacting (or not reacting) “for the good of others”?
resentment and bitterness
Living for Others
The crazy thing is that I’ve truly believed I was making the best, most noble, most loving choices when I denied myself and lived for others.
Only now am I starting to see the stark, day-and-night contrast between the stories I’ve told myself and the realities that everyone else in my life have been experiencing.
Am I suggesting that I quit thinking about others completely?
Not at all.
I’m guessing there’s a balance between people-pleasing and true service.
(I say “guessing” because I’ve so clearly not achieved it!)
(I say “guessing” because I’ve so clearly not achieved it!)
And I suspect that one way to tell is by the fruits of our choices.
God-Pleasing
Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruits of listening to and following the leading of the Holy Spirit (do you see “resentment” or “bitterness” on it? Me neither…)
- love
- joy
- peace
- forbearance
- kindness
- goodness
- faithfulness
- gentleness
- self-control
These are the fruits of God-pleasing.
I’m tired of bitter fruit. I suspect my family and friends are, too.
I want to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Ps. 34:8) and share His relationship-nurturing fruit with those I love.
Your Turn
- Do you find resentment and bitterness showing up unexpectedly in your life? In what situations?
- Do you consider yourself a people-pleaser? Under what circumstances?
- How would your life be different if you shifted from people-pleasing to God-pleasing?
- Anything else on your heart!
I am a people pleaser. I don’t get hurt or resentful but I do beat myself up for not “doing enough”. Or I beat myself up for hurting someone while helping them. Or I beat myself up for getting exhausted while helping others that I can’t help my family. See the trend?? Lots of beating myself up.
It’s like I believe that I am the only hands that God has at His service. Like without me his ministries would fall flat… how prideful =)
I’ve never considered myself a people pleaser. I’m more of a “me pleaser”. But I do feel resentful when I don’t feel the freedom to express how I feel about something (usually something I don’t like or a boundary I’d like to set) and don’t know it will make someone really angry. So in that sense, I am a people pleaser – afraid of how they will respond or the consequences I’ll have to pay for speaking up. :-S
I’m not a perfectionist. I mean really. Anyone who looks at my office or my house or my hair or my clothes would know that. Or my car, did I mention my “new” (to me) hail-damaged car?
So why last night when we were walking out the door on our way to homeschool co-op orientation did I hear myself saying these words to 16yo daughter: “Is that what you’re wearing?” She was dressed modestly, but her clothes were not what I would have chosen. Why did that matter?
And why was I so frustrated thinking that we might be a few minutes late? (We weren’t.)
I kind of take pride in the fact that I do so many things “my own way” and yet I worry that others will look at me and judge. Is that because deep down, I’m really judging myself and finding myself lacking?
Ouch! I have been praying about a job that is wonderful and well paying, but I am becoming resentful because it is consuming my time and I cannot get the book that I KNOW God has called me to write done. Quite thought provoking to consider how different my life would be if I quit being a people pleaser and became a God-pleaser. Good words today!