Day 5: RIGHTEOUS (+ Rituals vs. Relationships)
Start Here:
- How It Works (via Bullet Points & Videos!)
- Day 1: LOVED (+ 2 Vital Questions to Ask NOW)
- Day 2: CHOSEN – Making Right Holiday Choices
- Day 3: COMPLETE (+ 5 Gift-Giving Questions)
- Day 4: PURE (+ Goodbye, Ghosts of Christmas Past)
Starting Our Own Traditions
For our very first Christmas as newlyweds, Daniel and I didn’t visit his family or mine. Instead, we wanted to start our own family traditions.
Anxious to be a good wife and do everything “right” for our first Christmas together, I got up early that morning and started cooking enough food for an army.
Once Daniel was awake, I asked him the all-important question of the day:
“What time do you want to eat?”
He replied, “I don’t care.”
I was stunned by such an unthinkable response. Clearly, he had misunderstood my question, so I spoke more clearly the second time I asked,
“What time do you want to eat?”
He enunciated his repeated response with equal care:
“I. Don’t. Care.”
With more patience than I felt a Choleric should ever be required to demonstrate, I gave this man I’d promised to love, honor, and cherish one last chance:
“What time do you want to eat?”
This time, his response came out as one exasperated word:
“IDON’TCARE.”
Fine. I’d had enough, too!
“Then we’ll eat at three o’clock.”
Christmas Dinner My Family’s Way
I cooked and baked for hours, keeping my eye on the clock and wishing I had the double-decker ovens that gave my mother such an unfair advantage. Still, I was determined to have all hot foods on the table hot and cold foods on the table cold between 3:00:00 and 3:00:30, just as she’d raised me to do.
At 2:45, Daniel laid down on the couch.
By 2:50, he was asleep.
Not just “resting his eyes” asleep. Deep, snoring-up-a-storm asleep.
I was dumbfounded but undaunted.
At 2:59, I woke him up, telling him, “It’s time to eat,” and at 3:00:10 I started serving.
Daniel came to the table, ate a few bites of everything on his plate, and — true to his Phlegmatic nature! — at 3:04 laid back down on the couch. By 3:05, he was snoring again.
I will spare you my reactions, both as his napped and after he woke up. Suffice to say: I shed tears. And we had words.
Christmas Dinner His Family’s Way
The next year, we decided to join Daniel’s family for Christmas. Imagine my surprise when several family members showed up, unannounced, around 8:30 in the morning, bearing a couple of casserole dishes.
A stack of paper plates was produced and everyone started eating.
Everyone except for me, that is.
Paper plates?
On Christmas?
Is this even allowed? (I half expected the police to show up at any moment!)
An hour or so later, more family came. With more food, which was added to the growing collection on the kitchen table.
Everyone helped themselves to the new offerings as well as seconds of the original dishes.
Except for me. After all,
- I’d never eaten Christmas dinner off anything other than my mother’s special china dishes. The ones she’d brought over from Germany after she spent a year as an exchange student. The ones she didn’t let anyone carry except for herself…and me.
- I’d never eaten Christmas dinner anywhere other than seated stiffly at my mother’s formal dining room table, with a place card bearing my name between the small salad bowl and bread plate. And with a gigantic centerpiece blocking my view of half my family.
By mid-day, the kitchen table and counters were covered with food. Dozens of family members mingled throughout the house and all over the back yard, some reclining on lawn chairs.
Lawn chairs.
I made it through that day without having a nervous break-down (but it was a very close call!)
I finally did pile a paper plate with food.
But I could not bring myself to sit on a lawn chair.
Tradition!
A few months ago, my friend Julie–who converted from Judaism to Christianity as a teenager–and I attended the play Fiddler on the Roof. On the drive home, we discussed the struggle the father experienced each time one of his daughters wanted to defy tradition.
Julie fondly recalled some of the Jewish rituals she’d grown up with. But she observed that what made these rituals meaningful was the close relationships she had with the family members who performed the rituals. Because the relationships were already strong, the rituals bonded them together as a family.
However, for those who did not already have the foundational relationships, rituals not only failed to create closeness, they actually caused division. They alienated family members from each other.
Rituals without relationships disintegrate quickly into rigid rules.
Relationships over Rituals
At Christmas, we get to celebrate the gift of righteousness God gave us by sending His Son.
Yet God, with undeserved kindness,declares that we are righteous.He did this through Christ Jesuswhen He freed us fromthe penalty for our sins.Romans 3:24 (NLT)
Too often, though, we get caught up in defending the right-ness of our rituals.
At the time of year when we sing in church about peace, joy, and love, we too often go home and fight to the death of our relationships over
- gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day
- everyone around the table or eating in shifts
- home-made or store-bought
I posed this question on Facebook: So what’s the difference between the rituals of a wonderful family tradition that brings people closer together…and the rigidity of old rules that drive a wedge between people?
All generations are different. I was thinking about the story about how three or four generations in the family always cut the ends of the ham off to cook it. When asked why they did it, they said that whoever was in the generation before (ie. mom, grandma, etc…) had always done it that way so they did it, too. When they got all the way back to the reason that the first generation had done it, it was because the ham wouldn’t fit in the pan to cook without cutting the ends off. Here all of this time later they were still doing it, just because the others had done it that way. When we really look at why we do things, we may realize that we don’t have to do something just because that’s the way it’s always been done. It’s okay to change things.
Kristina
When traditions get in the way of the togetherness…when sticking to the “right” way makes everyone so stressed that they are miserable, or not allowing for changes in life circumstances, i.e. you CANNOT have a big meal and all eat at the same time when there are 10 kids, and six of them are under the age of three! You have to be flexible. We ate in shifts, but took a big family photo first, and we all prayed together.
Adelle
Talking About Traditions NOW
NOW –- long before the expectations and pressures of the holidays are bearing down upon us — is a great time to talk about the traditions, the rituals, the “always been done this way”s in our families.
Some conversation starters: (Click to Tweet this.)
- What is the history of our family’s traditions/rituals?
- What was the original purpose of each one?
- What relationships did they strengthen?
- What has changed since these traditions/rituals were first started?
- Which ones meet my PURSE-onality needs? How/why?
- Which ones meet your PURSE-onality needs? How/why?
- Which ones violate someone’s PURSE-onality needs? How/why?
- Which traditions/rituals might we discard? replace? revise?
Your Turn!
- What is one of your favorite family traditions/rituals? Why is it a favorite? What relationships does it strengthen?
- What is one of your least favorite family traditions/rituals? Why is it a least favorite? What relationships does it stress?
- What family tradition/ritual would you like to discard / replace / revise this year?
- Anything else on your heart!
One of the traditions we used to have when I was a kid was going to my grandparent’s home every Christmas Eve. My grandma and grandpa had grab bags that everyone got to pick something from. It was just little stuff but we all enjoyed it. Notebooks, pens, candy bars, etc. We also played Yahtzee and other games. After my grandpa passed away in 1994 Christmas just wasn’t the same. When I married my husband in 1998 we didn’t start our own traditions. We always spent the holidays with one side of our family or the other. In the past few years we’ve started a few of our own now. The favorite for the 4 of us is putting up the Christmas tree together. It doesn’t matter where the ornaments get put up on the tree but I want all of the ornaments our daughters have made for us first. The rest of the ornaments don’t matter anymore. It’s not about the colors on the tree but the love that went into making those ornaments for us. Now we go to church on Christmas Eve and may pick up frozen pizzas for supper and spend the night playing games and watching movies. It’s not about the food or gifts anymore. It’s about celebrating the birth of our Savior and spending quality time together.
Kristina —
What a beautiful picture you’ve painted! How lovely to put the tree together out of fun and love rather than a pre-determined way it “should” look. Pizza and games on Christmas Eve sound…okay, I’ll admit it, slightly scandalous…and WONDERFUL!
In the twenty two years I’ve been married, Christmas has always meant splitting ourselves between the two homes of the grandparents. My parents would have been hurt not to see us on Christmas Day and so would his.
The only plan that became feasible was for me to go to my parent’s home for breakfast(which led to my mother starting a whole new tradition of waiting to open presents on Christmas morning after breakfast with us) and to his parent’s for their lunch(where their tradition is a gag gift for everyone to open and goof off with, pics included!) It’s a hectic day for us and filled with lots of food.
Now that my children are older, at least one of them, complains about wanting Christmas to be quieter with just us. I feel the same, and perhaps someday soon with all the grands growing up and apart this will happen, but meanwhile we continue to try to spread ourselves around and I know it makes everyone else happy to see us.
Lisa Maria —
It sounds like you’re clear about the needs and wants you’re meeting.
For many years, we tried to keep one “half” of the family happy with a Christmas Eve visit, and then the other “half” happy with a Christmas visit. In the midst of a terrible storm, with us stuck for 4 hours on a dangerous freeway due to a jack-knifed semi blocking the entire road, my husband and I realized that we put ALL of our focus on keeping others happy and not thought at all about our needs as a couple or our children’s/nuclear family’s needs.
There are no easy answers, of course. Some years, we made choices that hurt and/or offended, and we were sad and sorry. At some point, we realized what an artificial, doomed-for-failure expectation it is to try to make everyone happy in the same 24 hour period!
This year, I feel called back home. It’s not my personal preference, but I know it’s the right choice. I am no longer fighting with the choice but prayerfully seeking ways to be a blessing while I’m there.
One of my favorite traditions has been a new ornament each Christmas Eve. My mother started this when my siblings and I were young; and she said it was so that when we moved out on our own, we would take with us enough ornaments to decorate our own trees. She tried to select ones that reflected who were each year, or ones that marked a specific event/activity. Now, I do that with my own children; and both sets of grandparents do it as well. So I guess my children will have enough for more than one tree, but the love and memories remain the same. It’s neat to look at our tree every year and remember various events or stages in our lives. It’s a time of sharing, remembering, and reminding. While I know it’s a material thing, it’s a tradition that sparks a lot of conversation and sharing with each other.
Heather —
This is a wonderful example of intentionality at work…a purposiveness that meets needs and builds relationships, both now AND in the future! When a material thing serves as a catalyst for memories and conversations and gratitude and love, it is a true gift!
One of my favorite family traditions is going out to look at Christmas lights and decorations. This is something that started when I was growing up.
When I was younger there was one area of town that the whole street was decorated with the theme “Toyland.” The decorations stayed with the houses whenever they were sold. I continued the tradition with my family.
Now, our two children are grown so it is usually just me and my husband. Whether it is my whole family or just my husband and myself, it is a time for us to spend time together away from all of the “noise.”
Lori —
Love this idea! We’ve not gone out just to “see the lights” in a long time. I know there are at least one or two “Christmas Tree Lanes” in the area…
Also love the intentionality in staying away from “all the noise.” Silent Night is my favorite Christmas song for many reasons!
My Grandfather and Grandmother had 6 kids…so each family had a separate assigned time to celebrate Christmas with them. Somehow my family ended up with first thing Christmas morning…and my Grandfather was a dairy farmer…so this was early! Every Christmas morning my Grandmother would make sausage gravy with biscuits and BEFORE opening our gifts we all bundled up, piled in the car, and went to eat Christmas breakfast with them at the farm. Even though my grandfather passed away 10 years ago…we keep this tradition. I have never missed it. One of my Aunts makes the sausage gravy now as my grandmother does little cooking now but it is still a precious time. WHY? I figured it out years ago…this tradition taught me in a very concrete way that Christmas is not about the gifts. Many parents and families say this…but my parents made it clear…Christmas morning? First things first…we spend time with family eating breakfast and loving each other…than the gifts come later. Although I KNOW I will not always eat Christmas breakfast a the farm and I am sure I will have to learn to make the sausage gravy and biscuits myself…I would like to pass on this lesson to my kids. Christmas morning really ISN’T about the gifts…so the gifts can wait…at least the amount of time it takes us to eat together!
Kathleen Marie —
What a beautiful (and beautifully-written!) backstory for a meaning-filled family tradition! Gifts are secondary to, and merely physical representations of, the love we share and celebrate!