Day 4: PURE (+ Goodbye, Ghosts of Christmas Past!)

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As a recovering perfectionist, I still struggle with regrets.

Holiday Guilt

Some of my regrets are valid, based on things I’ve done (or left undone.) Healthy guilt can move me toward restoration as I recognize my failures and repent.

One Christmas when I was a teenager, I realized on Christmas Eve that I had no gifts for my family members. Desperately trying to save face, I threw together haphazard, hideous creations that featured my school photo.

As my brother and parents opened their “gifts,” I realized how selfish I’d been in (a) neglecting to think ahead about gifts, and (b) trying to pass off last-minute sloppiness as something worth giving.

I deserved to feel that guilt. I’d earned it, and I learned from it.

Holiday Shame

However, other regrets are fantastical, based on things far out of my control. Shame paralyzes me, convincing me that I am a mistake (vs. made a mistake) and am fatally flawed.

Years ago, I cross-stitched all my Christmas gifts. I put dozens of hours into each creation, selecting designs and colors that I felt certain each recipient would especially enjoy.

So I was caught completely off-guard when one person started to open their gift and exclaimed, as they saw the frame, “Oh, family photos! Finally!” Their face fell when they saw that “all” the frame contained was my cross-stitching.

I spent months berating myself for being so stupid. What’s wrong with you? Why did you think they’d want your cross-stitching? Why didn’t you think of family photos?

I didn’t deserve to feel that shame. I hadn’t earned it, and I didn’t learn a thing from it.

No Holiday Shame Needed

I sure wish I’d been mature enough to laugh off the cross-stitch disappointment. I could have hauled the family in to Sears photo studio the next week…but I’m not going to waste time wallowing in that regret!

According to God, my record is clean.

God has united you with Christ Jesus.

For our benefit God made Him to be wisdom itself.

Christ made us right with God;

he made us pure and holy,

and He freed us from sin.

1 Corinthians 1:30 (NLT)

I don’t need to keep playing in the mud of my past.

I don’t even need to approach December as a do-over, a chance to redeem my past mistakes.

I get to experience December 25 the first Christmas I’ve ever had (this year)!

Can you feel the difference?

Instead of asking, “What can I do so that this year is better than last year? What can I do differently so that I don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past?”

I can ask:“How will I celebrate Christmas this year because I am LOVED? because I am CHOSEN? because I am COMPLETE? because I am PURE?”

“How can my life express, “Happy Birthday!” to the One who has given me these amazing gifts?”

Pre-Thinking 4 Primary Holiday Regrets

Some holiday regrets are simply the result of miscommunication. We don’t realize our options. We don’t understand others’ preferences. We don’t recognize that our priorities are out of whack.

Making these simple questions a matter of conversation with God and family now can bring clarity over the upcoming weeks and months:

1) What will I regret not doing that others legitimately need me to do for them during the holidays?

2) What will I regret not doing that I really need and/or want to do during the holidays?

3) What will I regret doing that I really don’t need and/or want to do during the holidays?

4) What will I regret doing that others don’t legitimately need me to do for them during the holidays?

(Click to Tweet this.)

Your Turn

What regrets do you have from past holidays?

Do you struggle more with guilt or shame?

What are you feeling called to not do this year?

What are you feeling prompted to do this year?

Anything else on your heart!

Cheri Gregory

Hi, I'm Cheri! I'm a collaborator, teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer. I love helping women break free from destructive expectations through a blend of “how to” and “heart, too.” I've been married to my college sweetheart Daniel (who is my opposite personality!) for 35+ years and we have two adult children: Annemarie and Jonathon.

18 Comments

Sara H says:

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Your bullet points here are excellent. In fact it has occurred to me over the past day as I’ve thought on them that they are good questions for me to ask every day. Thanks for your work on this series, it’s really been helpful.

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Sara —
  
  Wow — I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right! The holidays are “just” a high-pressure concentrated microcosm of our everyday lives. So if pre-thinking my do/don’t regrets is valuable for November-December, it’s valuable the other 10 months, too!
  
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Anonymous says:

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So right. This year does not have to be a re-do of past years. Looking for meaning in the events this year and ways to share that with family over the busy of some years.

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Freedom from striving for a “re-do” is a relatively new concept for me. The more I simply look forward to and experience the present, the more relaxed and creative I’m finding myself!
  
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Kristina says:

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We just had our family pictures taken last week. Now it’s on to picking the pictures to get printed on our Christmas card. I’m really trying to get ahead of schedule this year. When I procrastinate it just makes the holidays much more stressful. I actually started Christmas shopping at the tail end of August. It feels good to have a jump start this year!

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Kristina —
  
  SO true about procrastination! Sounds like you’ve taken and are taking some intentional steps toward a less-stress Christmas! I’m inspired!
  
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Shelly says:

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The cross stitching story makes me laugh! I cross stiched ornaments one year. I’ve made other handcrafted ornaments as well. Not the best reaction. Mostly, “Oh.” LOL! Lesson learned.

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Shelly —
  
  Yeah, I can laugh…now! At the time I felt like I was being personally rejected. Clearly, I wasn’t giving a gift nearly as much as I was expecting a certain reaction!
  
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madeforreal.com says:

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What a great series! So applicable to ALL OF US!!

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  I’m so glad! 🙂
  
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pat loser says:

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making my bullet point list today, thank you

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Now I need to start mine! 🙂
  
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Shonda says:

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I always have regrets. Thanks for the questions. I want no regrets this year!

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  You’re welcome — I’d love to hear what difference they make!
  
  For too many December 26’s, I’ve thought to myself “I’m going to do things differently next year!” And then December 24 rolls around, and I’ve done/not done all the same things because it’s such a crazy time of year.
  
  Even if I end up doing many of the same things this year, I hope I can do them with new reasons and more intentionality…and, thus, less regrets.
  
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sandiegodutchjess says:

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Thanks for giving me something to think about. I’ll ponder this over my (decaf) pumpkin spice coffee before bed tonight.

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Thinking about these things ahead of time is what I’m aiming for! And trying a pumpkin spice coffee…I’m such a mocha girl! 😉
  
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Lori says:

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I am being prompted to start the process for our Christmas cards (i.e., update address list, print mailing labels). This is always stressful every year.

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1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Lori —
  
  Sounds like a great place to start!
  
  I am always surprised by how many little steps I end up needing to take…like e-mailing a friend who moved or calling a relative to find out why last year’s card was returned by the PO…
  
  We’re debating physical card/letter vs. eCard/letter this year…I do like getting physical mail from friends and relatives once a year, but it’s also pricey…
  
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