Day 3: COMPLETE (+ 5 Gift-Giving Questions)
Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: “A Holiday-Ready Heart” in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!
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How It Works (via Bullet Points & Videos!)
Day 1: LOVED (+ 2 Vital Questions to Ask NOW)
Day 2: CHOSEN – Making Right Holiday Choices
Day 1: LOVED (+ 2 Vital Questions to Ask NOW)
Day 2: CHOSEN – Making Right Holiday Choices
I swore I’d never be “one of those parents.”
You know, the kind who caves in to her kids’ whining in the candy isle of the grocery store…
The kind who tries to revise her own childhood by buying her own children everything that she wished she’d had when they were young…
The kind who tries to make up for disappointment, loss, or crisis by buying things to fix her children’s feelings…
But six Christmases ago, I joined the ranks of those parents.
The Upheaval
Our family moved from the home we’d lived in for eleven years and left the school we’d taught at for fifteen.
Jonathon, our Phlegmatic, had only one question about the move: “Can we take our pets?”
Annemarie, our Choleric/Sanguine, however, was devastated. Inconsolable. She’d been a newborn in my arms during our interview, and she’d anticipated graduating with all the BFFs she’d had since kindergarten.
The busy months before our move were full of drama, trauma, and tears.
I felt so guilty.
Daniel and I knew we were answering God’s call and following His leading. But I got swept into Annemarie’s emotional turmoil.
By the time Christmas rolled around, it seemed so logical to buy everything on Annemarie’s wish list. After all, she’d been through so much! She’d had to grow up overnight. She’d faced so much disappointment. She’d given up everything for the sake of the family.
I didn’t realize it at the time, of course, but I was throwing money and things at the torn places in Annemarie’s life, hoping they’d act as patches.
Hoping they’d hold her together. Hoping they’d help her feel whole again.
I didn’t know how to
- suffer appropriately with my own child.
- listen without trying to fix.
- support her growth without undermining it.
- point her to our Father who makes each one of us complete.
Trying to Fill the Empty Places
When I posed the question, “What do you dread about the holidays?” via e-mail and Facebook, this response hit home to me:
“The chaos and busy-ness of the holiday season that we bring upon ourselves trying to fill the empty places in our hearts.”
I’ll tackle the “chaos and busy-ness” issue in a future blog. Right now, I want to linger on today’s word: COMPLETE.
So you also are complete
through your union with Christ,
who is the head over every ruler and authority.
Colossians 2:10 (NLT)
What makes me complete?
“So you also are complete through your union with new possessions”?
Oh, that’s what the advertisers want me to believe!
And somehow they got through to me. I denied myself, but boy did I “splurge” on my daughter.
I wanted so badly for her those “empty places” in her life to be filled.
But nothing outside of her union with Christ could make her complete.
Not then, not now, not ever.
Giving from God’s Abundance
Each family has its own gift-giving traditions.
- Some open gifts Christmas Eve; others open on Christmas.
- Some give one big gift; others give dozens of small ones.
- Some open gifts one-person-at-a-time; others do a free-for-all.
The problem with traditions is that sometimes we get stuck in them.
I’ve talked and e-mailed with dozens of women who would like to handle gift-giving differently. But they feel stuck doing what’s always been done.
These questions are not meant to tell you what you “should” do about gift-giving. They’re intended to spark conversations…that lead to prayerful consideration…that might lead to change.
1) How do I feel about my family’s approach to gift-giving?
- Does it keep Christ at the center of Christ-mas?
- Does it foster an atmosphere of joy and peace?
- Does it support our family’s budget?
2) Could we set boundaries on the cost of gifts and/or quantity of gifts?
- $10 or under?
- 1 per person?
- Draw names?
3) How about giving memorable experiences instead of things?
- Coupons for family game night, reading aloud, taking a walk?
- An outing to an amusement park?
- Plan a family get-away?
4) Might we forego physical gifts and support a worthy local or international project?
- Battered woman’s shelter?
- Disaster relief?
- Compassion International?
5) What service opportunity could we participate in as a family in lieu of gifts?
- In-reach to our local church members?
- Outreach to our local community?
Just Because (I’m So Done with So That!)
I’m not sure what gift-giving choices we’ll make this year.
We’ll probably do what we did a couple of years ago: send out family letters in early November, requesting no physical gifts. We already have so much more than we need, so much more than most.
We want to “reject the decadent culture of this world*” and invest in eternity…not more stuff that will end up at the Goodwill!
I’ve spent so many years “trying to fill those empty places.”
- Buying gifts so that I meet expectations.
- Going places so that others won’t be mad.
- Smiling big so that our holiday photo will look just as happy as everyone else’s.
But I’m so done with so that.
And I’m ready to learn to celebrate just because!
- Because I am LOVED, I will…
- Because I am CHOSEN, I will…
- Because I am COMPLETE, I will…
(I’m leaving these sentences unfinished…for now!)
Your Turn!
- What approach(s) to gift-giving do you find fulfilling and meaningful?
- What gift-giving change(s) might you consider this year?
- How would you like to finish one (or more) of the closing “Because I am ___, I will…” sentences?
- Anything else on your heart!
Over the years we’ve had many changes as the family has grown. We used to buy a gift for every person. Now the family consists of 35 people. Over the last 14 years it went from purchasing for every person to drawing names and then on to choosing a theme for the year. The theme gifts were given a maximum spending limit of $5. Now that we are on year 14 the only gifts that are purchased (other than for our kids) are for our parents. It’s so much more relaxing and enjoyable.
Kristina —
I LOVE the sound of this! What kind of “themes” did you have? Did everyone pretty much play by the rules? (You can tell I have some Melancholy in me! 😉
LOVE the sound of “much more relaxing and enjoyable”!!!
I would like to start some new holiday giving traditions. I grew up with getting lots of gifts, but I just can’t afford that. We try to give what we grow, can or make, along with a few special gifts and experiences. I want to get this sorted out!
Shonda —
Ooooh, love the idea of giving what you grow! (That would never work for me, because I kill everything!) My husband has been perfecting his raspberry/blackberry jam recipe, and that’s become a “hot ticket” for holiday gift-giving. I know we so enjoy receiving home-made items, especially when they’re edible (vs. something we have to find a place for!)
I need these reminders!
Pat —
Me, too! Just wrote #5, which means 26 are yet to come! 🙂
Boy, do I know all about that ‘free for all’! My husband and I started a new tradition when our older children were younger. On Christmas Eve, after we had read the Christmas story in the bible, we opened one present that we had given to each other.
We had found that the true meaning of the gifts were lost in the frenzy and I used to have a hard time keeping track of who gave them what, but more importantly, we couldn’t afford some of the gifts the other family members gave to them. We wanted to see them truly appreciate what we had sacrificed for their gifts.
This year I’m going to be much more intentional about gift giving. I have never liked giving a gift just for the sake of giving one and put a lot of thought into what I get,but some people are so difficult to please. My husband’s nephews and nieces get everything they want from their parents…stuff we can’t afford. I am going to have to be creative and I so appreciate all your tips and advice here!Thank you!
Lisa Maria —
What a lovely tradition! Focusing on one present is so honoring…to the giver, the receiver, and to the spirit of the holy-day.
I understand the hard-to-please issue. A few years ago, we decided to give all our gifts from the World Vision catalog. We sat down as a family and selected gifts that we felt matched the people in whose name we gave them. Then we made cards explaining what we had done, along with photos from the catalog.
Several family members were deeply moved by this form of gift-giving. From most, we heard nothing. (But that was better than complaints! 🙂
Several years ago we talked with our extended families about not exchanging gifts anymore, with the exception of the children. It got to the point that we didn’t know what each other liked or needed, so each of us would have to come up with a list of ideas. Well, that alone got to be stressful for me, because I really didn’t need anything. It also got to be a financial burden and all of these “gifts” that were being bought had to be put on credit cards. Kind of takes the fun out of it all when that statement shows up in January. Now we are able to do something special whenever we want for our extended family.
Lori —
You bright up such an important point: holiday debt! Ugh. I used to justify it because it was so important to me that we have “happy holidays.” But then we’d all be grumpy or sick on Christmas Eve and Christmas, and I’d regret “wasting” all that money. I’ll bet many families feel a huge relief when reasonable limits/boundaries are set for gift-giving so it’s fun and celebratory…not a burdensome obligation.
I love this one! A great way to remember the real meaning on the season. With my kids I have been trying to instill it is about gift giving. We make gifts for family and instill in them it is about GIVING not receiving. Two years ago we started Operation Christmas Child and that has been a great way to show them how to minister to others. When they get older (we have 4 kids aged 7-2) I hope to serve meals at shelters around the holidays with them.
Thank you again for this great challenge!
Darcy Shetler
Darcy —
What a great way to teach your children while they’re young to experience the joys of giving gifts! I can tell you from 20+ years of teaching that the students who are the most miserable are those who have been “given” the most (by which I mean had it handed to them on silver platter) and those who are most truly satisfied and mature are those who choose to serve and give. You are giving your children the greatest gift a parent can give by teaching them this so early!
I had to write down your sentence “I won’t dwell on whether others choose me, because I am chosen”. Something I have always struggled with!
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Ashley —
I think I need to write it down, too! I think I was born with “pick me, pick me” syndrome…Sally Field’s Oscar speech “You like me, you really like me!” still makes my eyes well up…no matter how often I see it lampooned!
I am kind of waiting for the day when my 7 yo stops believing in Santa….I would change so much if I would have been a believer when I had kids but now I just patiently wait. My 11 yo is done believing and now one more to go….yes, maybe I caved but Santa was family tradition and now we are all ready for change as we know what is most important.
Karen —
Awww…bless your heart and patience! (I remember when the second grade teacher at my last school said to her students, “You know, it’s a myth, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy!” and then dealt with crying children and angry phone calls from parents for the rest of the day and evening!)