Day 31: HOPE
Am I making any progress?!?
The ol’ 2-steps-forward and 3-steps-back routine can feel like I’m always losing ground.
Even when I’m gaining.
Today, I’m sharing two pieces of writing that give me hope. The first is a poem I wrote in early 2010 while wrestling with my mother’s Alzheimer’s Disease. The second is a blog post I wrote in September 2011, reflecting on the same issue.
When I compare these pieces, written about a year and a half apart, I see how far God has brought me on this journey.
And I have renewed hope that “he who began a good work…will carry it on to completion”!
“Letting Go”
(written in early 2010)
After bedtime, in the dark
gripping the edge of my crib
calling, calling, calling out
as I so often did:
“Mowie!
I want you!
I need you!”
Silence, looming silence,
mocks me in reply.
I raise my voice, bravely
mustering yet another try:
“Mowie!
I want you!
I need you!”
Hours later (so it feels)
exhausted by my fears
I let go, sit down,
find my blankie,
dissolving into tears.
* * * * *
Her frail unsteady body
barricades the door.
Voice breaking, eyes glistening
she pleads with me once more:
“I don’t want to let you go!”
I clench my jaw, soothe my voice
promise to come again.
Praying that when I return
she’ll remember who I am.
* * * * *
I’m driving into darkness
helpless, lost, and small
that cried-out voice still echoing
her sad, scared, lonely call:
“Mowie!
I want you!
I need you!”
I don’t want to let you go.
Silence, brooding silence
echoes in reply.
I’ve lived so long without you
but still can’t say good bye.
With All My Heart
(written September 12, 2011)
Of all “the looks” my mother has given me through the years — delight, exasperation, joy, frustration, pride — I never imagined (and could not have possibly prepared for) the one she gave me yesterday: oblivion. Alzheimers has ruthlessly plundered my mother’s memory, stealing even the name she so carefully chose for me.
This was my Facebook status August 11, 2011. I’d just visited my mother, who has been declining for several years.
When I arrived, something felt very “not right” about Mother’s response to me. It took several hours to realize that she had not seemed happy or even surprised to see me; she had not addressed me by name or asked me why I was there or how long I was saying.
My mother had not known me.
I’d spent 44 years bemoaning that she didn’t really understand me, “get” me, know me. Now she really doesn’t know me. My own mother has never known me. And now, she never will.
I’d wanted, needed, expected so much more from her. I’d spent 44 years trying to re-create her in the image of who I thought my mother should be. I’d secretly believed that she could become the kind of mother who knew me, who understood me, if she really wanted to. If she tried hard enough. If she changed enough.
But I failed to change her, so I’ve spent four decades feeling unknown, unloved.
Daniel and I celebrated 23 years yesterday. And I spent far too many of those years trying to re-create him in the image of who I thought my husband should be. I not-so-secretly insisted that he could become the kind of husband who knew me, who understood me, if he really wanted to. If he tried hard enough. If he changed enough.
Failing to change my husband, I felt unknown, unloved.
A friend, whose mother’s memory is failing, posted this compassionate comment to my Facebook status:
My mother has been saying to me for several months, ‘I don’t know who you are, but I know I love you with all my heart.’
I wept tears of hope while reading this, at first for my future relationship with my mother. Then I realized the powerful implications for all relationships.
How well do any of us know and understand each other?
At best, we know bits and pieces. We know what we can know; we understand what we can understand. We each do the best we can.
I finally understand, at a heart level, the futility of trying to change people. The best I can do now is to stop insisting that my loved ones know me – or more accurately, make me feel known and understood.
The best I can do now is recognize that even though my mother does not know me now, she has always loved me with all her heart.
I wish I could have done so sooner, much sooner. My chances to know and appreciate my mother for who she was — rather than for who she wasn’t — are gone.
But I have more chances with Daniel, and I’m determined not to waste them.
The best I can do now is learn to communicate to him, in word and in deed:
I may never know fully who you are, but I do know I love you with all my heart!
A Benediction
(Can’t see the image? Click here to download Romans 15:13!)
Leave a comment!
- responding to today’s blog, and/or
- sharing your Day #1-31 experience of replacing “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude, and/or
- about anything else on your heart!
I am a fan of Kathi Lipp and I don’t have this book. I would love to add it to my collection.
Beautifully written – thank you for this series!
Heartbreaking, but true! Thank you so much for sharing. A lot of these posts feel as though they were written for me. I greatly appreciate your candidness.
Loved this post and would love to win a copy of the book.
I have great HOPE that I will continue this challenge. It has made me realize how I think and respond to lifes issues on a daily basis . Thank you so much. The giveaway for today is great and would love to win!
I can relate to so many of your feelings here. My mom passed away 11 years ago. We don’t really know what the state of her mind was because she could hardly communicate the last couple of years of her life. My oldest 3 children were young during the several years of her disease and at the time of her death our 4th child was only 1 month old. I feel because of everything going on that I didn’t get a chance to grieve properly…if there even is a “proper” way. I regret not doing more for her and seeing more of her, though she did live a 4 hour drive away. My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s …and it has been extremely slow progressing. The majority of the time she does not know her children’s name, and certainly not her grandchildren’s names. It is painful to watch.
On the marriage issue, I can definitely relate and I’m often wishing for things to be better, but I know prayer is the only real hope for change. I do have the book by Stormie Omartian, but would love to win a copy of Kathi’s book. Just reading your post has prompted me to remember than prayer is the answer for all issues and that the Lord wants us to bring these desires to him. We will be changed as well! Thank you!
I would love to win a copy of this book 🙂
What a good application for this scripture! And I echo java diva’s first line…
“In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song,
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm…”
-In Christ Alone
Ugh, this one had me in tears. I hope that I will say the same thing should I lose my memory. And I appreciate how that can apply to each of us today with our frustrations of not feeling known.
Wow – very moving post – and great Scripture to keep going. I’ve been very discouraged in this challenge – sheesh, I’m a complainer along the lines of the children of Israel! Thank God for GRACE and HOPE!!! This is a good challenge – I SO APPRECIATE the verse cards – I can’t wait to get them all together and print/laminate them. What a blessing! And this giveaway is particularly great – would love this book for my marriage!
I agree!
Heidi J
Thank you for the beautiful post…I’ve been trying so hard to “change” my husband, thinking that I was doing him a favor. In reality, I was being selfish and wanted to mold him into the kind of person I wanted him to be. How awful. I don’t want to waste anymore time, either. Thank you, thank you…for teaching us so much and helping us relate by sharing your own personal stories.
Connie Y
In the past few years my grandma-in-law has lost total memory of every one of us, including herself. It’s been a very hard journey to lose someone that we love so much. When we see her, the conversation is not as easy as it once was and being in the Alzheimer’s wing at a nursing home instead of at her home has also been hard. We know that she has always loved us too. I agree with you that none of us really knows each other and we certainly can’t change each other. Thank God that He really does know us and loves us anyway! Have a blessed day!
This is amazing! Would love to receive it!
Love it! Would love to win the book!
Tracy Lowe
Great post and I love today’s word! This challenge has been a huge eye opener for me. I am going away with a new outlook and a new passion…blogging! Thanks Cheri for all the encouragement during this last month!
Love this and so true 🙂
Beautiful! Thank you!!
This.has.been.a.wonderful.opening.time.for.me….I.am.a.30.year.old.mom.of.2.little.girls.and.have.a.son.due.in.August….I.just.started.reading.blogs.and.learning.more.about.God….It.has.changed.my.life.and.opened.my.eyes…..I.grew.up.in.a.Christian.home.but.never.went.to.church.or.really.knew.much.about.God……Now.I.am.learning.how.to.be.a.practicing.Christian.a.good.wife.and.mother.
Thank.you.for.sharing.your.knowledge.and.being.and.inspiring.me!!!!
God.Bless.You
From,
Renee
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My mother in law did not know who I was for a long time but she always liked me! She was an amazing, godly woman who taught me how to be a better mom, mother in law and grandma. I miss her so much!
Vicky
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