Climate Changes in Marriage
With all due respect to Gary Chapman, my husband and I had a great laugh at his description of summer: “with its openness, hope, and anticipation.”
Clearly, Gary has never lived in Southern California during the months of June, July, and August. Or March, April, or May. Or September, October, or November.
I grew up in Southern California, so seasonal metaphors don’t work for me.
As a child, I experienced two seasons: unbearable heat and slightly less unbearable heat.
I never actually witnessed “fall”. I suspect it’s nothing more than a rumor.
And winter? Clearly a myth.
Daniel and I spent seventeen years slow cooking in the Crock Pot of Southern California. Then, three years ago, we were transplanted to the Monterey Bay.
The climate change has been miraculous. Instead of sweating all day and all night, the thermostat at 72 degrees (to keep the electricity bill at or below $400) we now enjoy 60-70 degree weather with occasional forays into the 50s. You should see our ecstasy as we frequently put on (ahhhhh) coats!
Another “climate change” has come with the move: a complete shift in our work atmosphere. Prior to the move, Daniel and I taught for fifteen years at the same school. We knew we had been struggling with some challenges, especially in the last few years. But it wasn’t until we immediately started to thrive at our new school that we realized how bad things had become at the old school.
Blame Games
During our fifteen years in Southern California, we proudly told ourselves, “We’re being loyal!” when the truth was that we were stagnating.
Rotting.
We’d been like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, unaware of the increasing temperature. We’d spent years insisting, “No, we’re fine!” while simmering slowly ’til we were about to croak.
Unaware of how profoundly our work atmosphere was impacting us, we blamed our marriage struggles (and we had many, as we are totally opposite Personalities!) on each other. It was all his fault. It was all my fault.
Now we realize that many of our issues were due to a completely unsuitable climate for our marriage. Other marriages may have survived or even thrived; for us, the climate was toxic. We got out just in time.
Better Climates
Daniel and I will celebrate twenty-one years of marriage on 9/11 this year. Through those years, I’ve purchased and read just about every Christian book written on marriage. They all taught me to take personal responsibility, to change nobody and nothing but myself.
But I as I frantically worked to improve myself (see through blue glasses with boundaries, speak tough love languages, adjust her Personality needs to meet his crazy good needs, ignite the gift of waffles instead of spaghetti, perform red hot sheet music) I did not recognize the devastating toll that the external climate surrounding us was taking on our marriage.
Instead, I thought that no matter how hard I tried, I was a failure.
After leaving behind The Endless Summer of Our Discontent (apologies to Steinbeck!) I discovered that I’m not a failure. In a better climate, I’m a better wife! In a better climate, Daniel is a better husband! We have a reviving marriage that is finally growing to its potential. The climate change has been miraculous.
How has the external atmosphere impacted your relationship?
What is the optimal climate for your marriage? Are you living there, or does your marriage need to “move” (literally or figuratively!)
Wow! What an awesome post. I’m finding that in an area other than my marriage I’m needing a climate change (dh sees the need as well). This was another step in the encouragement that God is giving me to prepare me for that change. Bless you!
Living in Texas I understand your crock pot mentality all too well!
I think you’re right about the external influences that can slowly poison a good marriage! We can’t see it even when it’s obvious to others! Just think, had you have given up during those times, you wouldn’t be experienceing the lushness that you are now! WE all tend to quit way too soon! Kudos to those who stick it out. One thing I’ve learned that has become a mantra for me is this:
“When satan seems to escalate his attacks on me or my marriage it’s because God has something unbelievable for me/us right around the corner and satan definitely does NOT want us to experience that!”.
Some times, that thought has given me the extra stamina to endure something when I think I’ve reached my limit.
Connie
Great take on how our surroundings affect our marriages. And I loved your paragraph describing the different marriage books you’ve read (“see through blue glasses with boundaries. . .”). Very cute.
Hi,
I came over from Marriage Monday.
I just wanted to encourage you about what you wrote. We came out of a toxic, toxic church of eleven years. I won’t share all the details, but I can say it was all about being loyal. We didn’t realize what a toll it was taking on our marriage and our children. We have been out for two years now. In some ways thing improved overnight others have taken time. But being in a better place or safe place makes all the difference. For a while I looked at our time as almost wasted, but not now, I look at it as time where we became resilient.
Great post!
Such a nice post.
Hello, This is a wonderful post for MM! I really enjoyed reading it. It is interesting how beneficial the climate change has been for your marriage!
Hi Cheri!
You make so many great points here, boy have we been there done that, and I’m sure we’ll go through it again.
Thanks for being so authentic with your writing!
Wow, what a powerful lesson you both learned! We have been in situations and “climates” that had we been in them for much longer could have easily taken a terrible toll on our marriage. Fifteen years is a long time to be simmering in a bad situation!
And I know about “crockpot” living. I was in South Florida for 6 years during college (and that’s where my hubby is from). I can’t stand the heat and it made me grumpy!
Thanks for linking up today. I love your writing style!