Day 19: BLESS (Your Feelings Can Help You Choose)
Today’s post comes to you as a vlog (below) and blog (scroll on down)!Can’t view video? Click here to see “Your Feelings Can Help You Choose” on YouTube!
Readers have given a ton of great input regarding the issues we seem to struggle with most during the holidays. These two comments represent a whole host of responses I received on this particular theme:
“Encountering and spending time with relatives and other visitors who have conflicting lifestyles and values during the holidays.”
“Difficult relationships with people who know how to “push our buttons” during the holidays!”
Since today’s verse is
I tell you who hear me:Love your enemies,do good to those who hate you,bless those who curse you,pray for those who mistreat you.Luke 6:27-28 (NIV)
I thought today would be a good day to talk about how we can plan to BLESS those who have very different values and those who tend to “push our buttons.”
Mistaken Purposes of Misbehavior
According to Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, our children’s misbehavior stems from attempting to fulfill four mistaken purposes:
1) attention: “I belong only when I have your attention or special service.”
2) power: “I belong only when I am winning or at least when I don’t let you win.”
3) revenge: “It hurts that I can not belong, but at least I can hurt back.”
4) assumed inadequacy: “I give up. It’s impossible to belong.”
Using My Feelings to Identify Others’ Mistaken Purposes
I can quickly identify someone’s mistaken purpose by my own feelings in reaction to the misbehavior.
Then, using my knowledge of the PURSE-onalities, I can choose — through the power of the Holy Spirit — how to respond in blessing, rather than react out of instinct.
When I Feel Annoyed
When I feel annoyed, the mistaken purpose is probably attention. This person is either a Sanguine or acting out of Sanguine weaknesses. I can bless them by responding with fun, attention, and approval.
Of course, this is very counter-intuitive, because when someone annoys me, my natural reaction is to ignore them and hope they’ll go away!
When I Feel Undermined or Threatened
When I feel undermined or threatened, the mistaken purpose is probably power. This person is either a Choleric or acting out of Choleric weaknesses. I can bless them by offering them greater control, achievement, and appreciation.
Of course, this is also counter-intuitive; when someone threatens me, what I naturally want is to put them in their place!
When I Feel Hurt
When I feel hurt, the mistaken purpose is probably revenge. This person is either a Melancholy or acting out of Melancholy weaknesses. I can bless them by facilitating greater perfection, order, and sensitivity.
Of course, yet again, this is counter-intuitive; when I feel hurt, my instinct is to hurt them back or run and hide!
When I Feel Helpless
When I feel helpless, the mistaken purpose is probably assumed inadequacy. This person is either a Phlegmatic or acting out of Phlegmatic weaknesses. I can bless them by providing peace, respect, and a sense of self-worth.
Of course, this too is counter-intuitive; what I want to do is motivate them to take action and quit whining!
Choosing to Love
Blessing those who curse us is counter-intuitive.
It’s also a choice.
One we can make now.
So that when the holidays come around, God’s love flows to us and through us. (Click to Tweet this.)
Your Turn:
- Which relationship might improve if you used your feelings about their misbehavior to guide your choice of response?
- Which feeling is the hardest for you to experience: feeling annoyed, threatened, hurt,or helpless?
- Anything else on your heart!
Catch up with the Holiday Ready Heart Series Here:
- How It Works (via Bullet Points & Videos!)
- Day 1: LOVED (+ 2 Vital Questions to Ask NOW)
- Day 2: CHOSEN – Making Right Holiday Choices
- Day 3: COMPLETE (+ 5 Gift-Giving Questions)
- Day 4: PURE (+ Goodbye, Ghosts of Christmas Past)
- Day 5: RIGHTEOUS (+ Rituals vs. Relationships)
- Day 6: FORGIVEN (+ The Story I Choose to Tell)
- Day 7: FREE (+ 14+ Ways to Enjoy “Free” Holy-Days!)
- Day 8: VICTORIOUS (+ Heading Off Holiday Hurts)
- Day 9: NEW (+ The Power to Get or to Give?)
- Day 10: CONFIDENT (+ 10 Ways to Keep Christ in Christmas)
- Day 11: MASTERPIECE (+ Being Content With What I DO Have)
- Day 12: INSEPARABLE (+ Missing Loved Ones at the Holidays)
- Day 13: DELIVERED (+ Why the Holidays Can Overwhelm)
- Day 14: TRUST (+ How Each PURSE-onality Can Get Day Overwhelmed)
- Day 15: PATIENT (+ Practicing Now for Patience Then)
- Day 16: NO RECORD (+ How to Have Grudge-Free Holidays)
- Day 17: TRUTH (Each PURSE-onality’s Take on Truth)
- Day 18: PERSEVERE (+2 Cures for Procrastination)
Our extended family relationships are so-ho-ho dysfunctional!… I can hardly bear to think about spending time
together at Christmas.
I want so much for my own family unit to feel loved, and that Christmas was a special time together…
it seems, however, the older ones are catching/ have caught on to the strain, and I don’t really know what to do/say about it. I used to cover it up, but to be honest, I have exhausted my reserves. I’m out of steam. and just
letting what is, be.
I’m laughing (gently) at your term “so-ho-ho dysfunctional”! I SO (ho-ho-ho) understand.
Praying for your family and mine. Sometimes, letting go is truly the best we can do.
I think the people clamoring for attention are the hardest for me–I really do just wish they would GO AWAY!
🙂
But they never do.
This was quite insightful; I’ve got a short list of folks I need to start thinking through my responses to NOW–because family life is supposed to magically be fun and wonderful all together for a few hours since it’s CHRISTMAS! Saddest thing is we all live in easy sight lines of one another, but only really get together on Christmas Eve. Makes for some serious tension.
April —
I understand — they annoy me to death, and I tend to be just like them! 😉
Pray-paring responses now can make such a huge difference. It doesn’t mean everything will be “perfect” — it just means that when they start being annoying, you don’t have to be thinking, “Oh no, not AGAIN!” Instead, you can be thinking, “Oh, this is when I say/ ______!”
Lordy…this is a tough one! I can really identify with everything here! Thank you for this…you are so right…its all about choice. Choosing to rise above what our sinful human nature tells us to do. Great food for thought here Cheri…thank you!
Lisa Maria —
LOL! I agree that this is tough…any time of year!…and then we throw all sorts of people and travel and time pressure and money-spending and events and expectations into the mix and call it “holy-days”?!?
A friend once told me that the way she shifts from judgement to compassion when someone is “misbehaving” is to imagine them as an injured child. That’s what the paradigm shift I described here does for me — it opens up a path from judgment to compassion, and the path starts right where I’m at.
Great Post Series!
Thanks so much, Amanda!
I look forward to what you will say each day.
Lori — That is a very kind thing to say! (I guarantee none of my students have said it! 😉 Although I write because I feel God calling me to do so, it does feel very wonderful knowing there’s someone waiting to read it and even anticipating it. So thank you for blessing me by telling me! 🙂
Great series. Sometimes I am disappointed because of my expectations
of others. Not just at holiday time but this happens through the year. But especially at holiday time.. why did I not get invited, why do they not give a gift… it’s wrong I know but it still exists.
Baba — thanks so much!
When I speak at retreats, my first talk always involves expectations and my second one involves the disappointments we struggle with due to the expectations. Especially at the holidays, I get into, “But *I* would have…” or “I never would have….” thinking which just amplifies my expectations and disappointments.
I’m slowly realizing how much about other people is about them…and how little is about me!