Where I Stay So I Won’t Stray

It’s Marriage Monday!

Twice a month, a diverse group of married Christian women gather at Chrysalis for the purpose of encouraging other, sharing our stories, and learning from our collective wisdom.

We’re young, old, seasoned, and newlywed, and we love talking about Christian marriage!

Today’s official topic is “Overcoming Boredom & Apathy.” My focus, based months of reflection, is discontent over unmet needs, to which boredom and apathy can certainly lead.

* * * * *

Do I stray or do I stay?

A few months ago, a friend e-mailed me, asking what I advice I had for a Sanguine wife (married to a Phlegmatic husband) who had crossed the bounds of “just friends” with a male co-worker…and wasn’t sure if she was 100% sorry.

“I have to admit, the attention felt good,” she wrote. When discussing with her husband the unmet needs that led to incident, he suggested, “Perhaps I simply can’t meet your needs?”

I mailed her a copy of The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have*, written by my friend Paula Friedrichsen. In it, Paula chronicles the emotional affair that almost destroyed her marriage and talks turkey, girlfriend-to-girlfriend, about how she got herself into it and Who got her out.

And I reflected on my own struggles with unmet needs in marriage.

Do I stray or do I stay?

As we promised to love, honor, and cherish each other “until death do us part,” this dilemma was the furthest thing from my mind.

A few short years later, though, it dominated my my thoughts.

Desperately unhappy, I read every Christian marriage book I could get my hands on. I especially appreciated one author who so clearly asserted his belief that if a woman was unhappy after five years of marriage, it was her husband’s fault.

I smugly showed that paragraph to my husband, only to watch the book quickly fly across the room. Clearly, I couldn’t count on him to make any positive changes in our marriage!

Do I stray or do I stay?

A decade ago, I almost left. I obtained a credit card in my name only. I ordered extra school clothes for the kids. I packed a suitcase and kept it in my car.

My laundry list of complaints was a mile long (ironically, my #1 complaint was that Daniel was too critical!) We were completely incompatible; what met his needs violated mine and vis-versa. I felt misunderstood, neglected, and unfulfilled.

During this season in our marriage, I literally had no casual contact with other men. If male coworkers or church members had been on my radar, I’m sure I would have succumbed to–or, more likely, initiated–temptation!

Do I stray or do I stay?

As desperately as I wanted to find someone who would finally meet my needs, I was too insecure to actually go.

I decided to give it one year: one year of giving our marriage everything I had. I promised God I would be open to whatever he led me to do (secretly hoping he’d just give Daniel detailed instructions on how he should change, instead!)

My greatest source of bitterness was Daniel’s reaction to my tears. “If only Daniel was the kind of husband who would willingly hold me and comfort me when I cry…” became my mantra of misery.

One day, while reading my Bible, I came to the story of Mary anointing Jesus’ feet. Luke 7:38 jumped out at me: As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears.

Did I stray or did I stay?

I strayed.

When I felt especially needy, I strayed.

Instead of bringing my tears to Christ, I left Him and sought my husband–my fallible, broken, human husband–and demanded that he meet my needs. That he rescue me from myself.

That he save me.

Wait.

What’s the word for one who saves?

Savior.

I strayed from my Savior and insisted my husband take His place. (Little wonder I felt so miserable, desperate, and unfulfilled!)

Where I Stay

My #1 marriage priority is simply this: stay with the One who meets all my needs. (Click to Tweet this.)

Yes, I know this was supposed to be my top life priority as a Christian. But my selfish heart was so good at “spin control” that I had no clue how far I’d gone.

In my relentless pursuit of my-husband-as-savior, I had driven him away from Christ and run leagues away, myself.

My #2 marriage priority is also simple: stay in biographer mode.

If you’ve ever read a really good biography written by someone utterly devoted to the person, you know it’s not objective, but it’s okay. The “skewed” view you get is the truth filtered through love.

Daily, I go thru the journalist’s questions:

1) WHO is he, really? (Be the one person who really knows him!)

2) WHY does he ____? (Be the one person who totally “gets” him!)

3) WHEN is he living in his strengths? (Orchestrate as many occasions as possible.)

4) WHAT does our marriage provide me? (Focus on what I do have, not what I don’t have.)

5) HOW on earth does he put up with me? (My father asked me this once in jest; I realized it was no joke. The man may not be my savior, but he certainly is a saint!)

I aim to be my beloved’s biographer. To investigate and bear witness his life. And to celebrate, together, the myriad reasons I stay.

* When asked for marriage book recommendations, I always say “It depends on what you need. When I need to adjust my thinking, I read Love and Respect. When I need to adjust my attitude, I read The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have. And when I need to have more fun, I read The Husband Project!”