When Perfectionism is a Mask
Yesterday, I said that not all Melancholies are Perfectionists.
However, a Perfectionist does exhibit many weaknesses associated with the Melancholy PURSE-onality:
- unrealistically high standards
- critical
- grudge-holding
- skeptical
- hard to please
- self-deprecating
- self-centered
- moody
- persecution complex
- hesitant to start
- over-plans
- focuses on the negative
So a Melancholy living out of her weaknesses certainly can come across as a Perfectionist.
And so can a Sanguine whose God-given PURSE-onality is not nurtured. At retreats, I meet many obviously Sanguine women who donned Melancholy “masks” as children and now don’t know how to take them off.
PURSE-onality “masking” occurs when we take on a PURSE-onality that is not naturally ours for self-protective purposes.
Typically, we perform key strength behaviors of the “masked” PURSE-onality to keep an authority figure happy. But it’s all a performance, not a true expression of a natural PURSE-onality strength.
For example, I am very capable of buying colored hanging file folders, matching plastic tabs, blank inserts, and setting up “perfectly” organized filing systems.
How do I know such behavior is evidence of my Melancholy “mask” rather than my true PURSE-onality?
First, I loathe the process. Unlike a Melancholy, who feels a sense of satisfaction while organizing, I feel utterly persecuted.
Second, once I set up such a filing system, it’s of no use to me. I can’t find anything ever again. Once I put a sheet of paper in a file folder, it’s lost and gone forever!
Third, I start setting up filing systems as a stall tactic, not as a useful part of a healthy organizational process. I pour time and money into setting up beautiful folders which do nothing but gather dust.
The problem with “masking” is that we get stuck with many of the borrowed PURSE-onality’s weaknesses.
The longer I wore my Melancholy “mask”, the more my Sanguine humor was replaced by self-deprecation, enthusiasm by skepticism, friendliness by self-centeredness, creativity by over-planning, spontaneity by hesitancy, and forgiveness by grudge-holding.
I wasn’t really a Melancholy; I was just “masking.”
But I wasn’t able to express my Sanguine self, either.
With the weaknesses of my “masked” PURSE-onality and without the strengths of my natural PURSE-onality, I became increasingly trapped in Perfectionism.
Which is why the opening verses of Psalm 18 are so real to me (and, perhaps, to other recovering Perfectionists!)
I love thee, O Jehovah, my strength.
Jehovah is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
My God, my rock, in whom I will take refuge;
My shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower.
I will call upon Jehovah, who is worthy to be praised:
So shall I be saved from mine enemies.
The cords of death compassed me,
And the floods of ungodliness made me afraid.
The cords of Sheol were round about me;
The snares of death came upon me.
Join us for Part 2 in which we’ll look at taking off the masks!
Your Turn:
- Do you know a Sanguine who’s worn or is still wearing a Melancholy “mask”? (If you’re not sure, the question “When did the fun stop?” often brings up quite a story!)
- What factors do you think influence our ability to live in our PURSE-onality strengths? (For example, how might a messy family influence a Melancholy’s ability to organize, be compassionate, express devotion, etc.?)
- Any other thoughts and/or experiences with Perfectionism?
I have been really trying to figure out the personality of someone who is a friend, who I want to become better,closer friends with. I kind of wonder if her secondary may be masked, because I have notice she kind of flip flops between different extremes. For example, she has said she hates math, hates details (like she will just take a picture of something she sees and send it to someone to make vinyl wording instead of having to look through fonts). She has also said things get past her easily, she knew about a community event involving a co worker she loves, but didn’t have a clue what the dates were or times, she runs daycare and is very huggy with the kids, etc. So I thought perhaps sanguine secondary. But on the other hand she acts pretty guarded as far as opening up to adults, is all about the rules, likes to finish what she starts.Has a daycare schedule that she says is flexible. She puts on a professional front often, doesn’t divulge even minor details about things like what type of doc appt she has, what she said to make someone think she was offensive, details of her weekend. But she will tell me things like she doesn’t know how to swim, that she loves theater and music, is a homebody with a smaller group of friends but too busy to get together, likes shopping, that in high school she hated typing class and was writing notes to friends, etc. So she seems open and guarded at the same time, odd. I’m pretty darn sure her primary is choleric, though not super dominant because she doesn’t seem harsh, uncaring, super controlling, etc. She mentioned she tries to keep professional and personal separate, as in the past it bit her, which is why i wonder if she is masking? It seems the thought of others thinking she is inconsiderate bothers her. She’s not overly chatty, but can carry conversation easily and seems extroverted, but cautious. She’s able to tell other people’s feelings and feel them herself, seems very confident, says she doesn’t like to be pushed to do something but wants to decide herself, that she will get her way with her kids one way or another, loves competition even with herself, you can tell she really likes words of appreciation for her accomplishments, take charge attitude… What do you think?