Warm-Up Day 5: The Perks and Perils of "Being Heard"
I’ve always been a BFF kinda girl.
Especially in elementary school, having a “best friend” meant there was always
- someone who saved a seat for me. (I hate sitting alone!)
- someone to play with at recess. (I’m a team handicap in any sport.)
- someone who listened, often for hours. (I chatterbox too much for most people.)
But most of all, to me, a best friend was someone who understood me.
Someone who nodded as I talked about what I was experiencing, thinking, and feeling.
A Third Category: “Counseling”
Yesterday, I described the difference between complaining and problem-solving, as if it was a forced alternative: you’re either doing one or the other.
But a third option comes naturally to many women: “counseling.”
While this can include a professional relationship with a licensed therapist, what I mean by “counseling” here is simply talking to someone who has agreed to listen as a way of helping you clarify your thoughts and feelings.
The Perks
My friend and fellow pastor’s wife, Gena Larson, says that two of the most powerful words a woman can hear are “me, too.”
So true!
- I pour out my heart to a friend for hours, wanting to hear those two affirming words: “me, too.”
- I share my stuff in my recovery group, hoping to hear those two validating words: “me, too.”
- I talk about my current temptations with my women’s Bible study group, needing to hear those two reassuring words: “me, too.”
Ahhh. I’m not alone.
Whew! I’m normal.
(Okay, now I’m pushing it…)
The Perils
Because informal “counseling” relationships can develop so easily between women, setting–and sticking to!–appropriate boundaries is vital.
We’ve still got to ask:
- Is this the right person? (Ever had a “trusted friend” spill all your secrets?)
- Is this the right time? (Ever had someone talk your ear off about her problems while you’re running later and later for an appointment?)
- Is this the right place? (Ever listened awkwardly to someone sharing personal problems over hors d’oeuvres at a Christmas party?)
- Is this the right manner? (Ever felt like you know “Too Much Information” about a husband other than your own?)
My Problem with “Being Heard”
I’ve not had a BFF in years.
Oh, I’ve tried to beg, borrow, or steal one.
And I’ve had words (+ tears!) with God about why I, a BFF kinda gal, don’t get to have a best friend any more.
- You know, I could really use a BFF these days. Launching a high-maintenance daughter while simultaneously losing a mother to Alzheimer’s hasn’t been easy.
- I could really use a listening ear. Someone who makes me feel less alone. Someone who make me feel norm–…a little less crazy.
- Someone who says “me, too!”
Then He reminds me about my problem with “being heard” in a “counseling” friendship:
I like it so much, I keep going back for more…
…and more…and more…and more…
…until my bestie becomes a Burnt-out Former Friend.
He reminds me that He is my “refuge and strength” my “ever-present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)
And He ever-so gently reminds me,
“Me, first.”
Reflect and Respond
- What does Psalm 46:1 say to you today?
- How have you experienced the perks and/or perils of a “counseling” relationship? (formal or informal)
- Has God ever reminded you, “Me, first”?
Psalm 46:1 – reminds me that God is my Ultimate BFF!!!! He is ALWAYS there, it is nice to have a BFF in the form of someone you can actually sit down with face to face and hash things out together. My husband and I are very fortunate to have a couple that we consider our BFF couple. We can sit for hours and hours and just talk, laugh, discuss, cry…… we are truly blessed.
I haven’t had a BFF in forever… at least I thought I didn’t. Never thought about the fact that I have always had one.. GOD. Maybe I will start taking my “counceling” to him for a while. Thank you for the reality check, it was much needed right now in my life.
Good timing… I’ve been lamenting a lack of a BFF and “counselor”, too! Sorry, Lord – I do KNOW that You are there!
Oh my Goodness…reality check…My best friend and I talk to each other every morning on our way to work…and its great having her there to listen to me tell me I’m right…he was wrong, can you believe??
My poor friend …God help me to always bring everything to you first …calm my heart, calm my spirit, don’t let me push my best friend away…give me the ear to hear her, and words from you to build her up. God give us this time to talk about you and all the blessing you have given us ….Wow that will completely change the outcome of our days….
I loved this post. Tho I have been the Burnt Out Former Friend. I’ve actually had to block a friend on facebook. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me by a couple actually. I would wonder what was it about me that said “blood giver” to them, that I was a victim in waiting. It made me shy away from having good girlfriends. My hubby used to warn me about former vampire girlfriends who made me cry more than made me laugh. Friends who tried to make the moves on my hubby because they saw mine as better than theirs. (So called Christian friends too) Friends who I could literally put the phone down and come back an hour later and they wouldn’t have noticed I was gone. So I understand from the other persons point of view. I have been afraid of getting another friend like that so I have kept my distance from other women. I truly think I have missed out on good Christian fellowship too.
A few weeks ago, I was having a hard time and I tried calling my BFF. She didn’t answer and I burst into tears, and God was right there waiting for me to turn to Him. I did, and my heart was lifted and I was comforted. Sometimes I think we’re way to “individualistic” here in America- everyone wants to be free to do their own thing and they are so proud of being able to take care of themselves. I think we really miss out on God’s design for us to live in community. But it only really works when HE is still God! 😀
Man, have you been spying on me?! This is so me, I have not had a BFF still elementary… I want it so badly… and my hubby is forever telling it not about me… He needs a break from me!
Ok I really needed that today. Just the other day I was asking God why I don’t have a BFF and “telling” Him how badly I needed one! I see know He’s telling me to put Him first. Reading this brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart for all the times a used a BFF to replace God. Thank you for this. Looking forward to more lessons! God bless
Christina
Psalm 46:1 says to me that when there is no one else to turn to, God is always there for me. He never gets tired of listening to me and wants me to come to Him. I had a best friend who I talked to about my problems, and there were many, but she dropped me because it was too much for her. However, it went the other as well way but I just listened. It often went back to her. She is a sympathy hog. Often, I never got to finish because we were always focusing on her problems. So for me, it wasn’t a mutual thing and I think it needs to be. It’s great to hear me too but it’s also nice just to have someone just listen.
I have a friend who always points me back to the Word. But I also have a great husband that usually gently corrects me (which is quite a hard thing to do!). God has taken many a friend away in my lifetime, and maybe it’s for the reason that I get too comfortable and share to much. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I could say alot less too. God have mercy on us and give us strength! :/
~Jacque Thompson
I needed to read that!! I don’t want a burnt out best friend!! And lately i may be doing that!! Just a wonderful reminder to go to Him first…and stay there for a while because I know He will never get burnt out listening to me!! 🙂
Thankful for my BFF. God has put several women in my life over the years, that I have been able to trust and run to. Sometimes I talk too much. I am working hard to go first to God then to a friend if I need one. I was wondering how would you determine whether you need just a friend or a counselor??
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OOPS! Just wanted to say.. thanks for the post. And thankful for God and my BFF’s He has given me. Am so excited about this study.
As I look back on my life with BFFs I’ve come to realize that certain people are put in our lives at just the time that God allows. And he takes them out for a reason too. It hurts at first but after awhile the realization hits that God is always faithful and always there. Right now after years of having no BFF God has placed a wonderful sister in Christ in my life and I thank him constantly for her. But I’ve learned she isn’t my everything like He is so I try not to put her in that position. I love her to death and want to be there for her too.
I have usually ended up on the “Burnt-out Former Friend” end of the equation. In high school, my best friend devastated me with a horribly painful betrayal of my confidence and, frankly, I vowed never to trust any person that completely again. But I have had dear friends who have trusted me with their confidences over the years and I have considered that to be “enough” and sometimes too much! I have always turned to God’s promise in Psalm 46:1, and similar verses, trusting Him only with my secrets. I will admit that there have been times that trusting even Him has been a challenge. Yes, I “know” he already knows all the secrets, but sometimes just giving them voice, even in the safety of His love is challenging!
I have shared with a really good friend and then heard back from someone else. What a yucky feeling to know that what you shared privately is being shared with others!!
My problem in the BFF world of counseling is that I go to too many people so that I don’t burn 1 person out … Well soon enough 4-5 people know WAY too much about my marriage, work , temptations etc and who can keep me accountable if I jump to the next gal when the problem arises again. A good friend of mine reminded me that I need 1 person to advise me, not 5. And it should be a woman and the same woman. I like that advice 🙂 it works well
Oh, wow. Has this hit home. I thought that I was lending a listening ear to someone that needed it. I was listening and nodding (planning on keeping everything in confidence – b/c I know what it felt like when things weren’t kept in confidence).
I found out later that Amy (not her real name) who was talking to me about her problems with another woman friend (I’ll call her Katie) turned things around. Amy told Katie all the things that she had vented to me about Katie, but instead she told Katie that I said all those things about Katie.
I was trying to be a “counselor” and my nodding meant that I understood what she was saying, what she was going through, I had been through something similar in the past. It didn’t mean that I agreed or that I felt the same way about this person that she did. I was caught in the middle and I didn’t even say anything.
This is so me! I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve had a BFF. Thanks for the warm-ups!!
A best friend to me used to be someone who was there for me and I for them when we would rather be anywhere else. Someone who would help you in your journey to Heaven rather than tear you down, and one who didn’t talk bad about you behind your back. I’m not one to make friends easily due to me being so quite and shy. I don’t say more than I have to to strangers and it takes me awhile for someone to become my friend.I don’t a friend on this earth let alone a best friend, but I have found that to be just fine. I have Jesus!!! He is the best friend there could ever be, and as I have lost my earthly friends I have found Him to be closer to me than ever before and I wouldn’t want to trade my relationship with Christ for an earthly friend that could try to drag me down!!! Friends can be a blessing, but if we don’t have any, lets not despair-Jesus is right here with us!!! I loved today’s post!!
Sarah