Warm-Up Day 4: Complaining vs. Problem-Solving
In fewer than 3 minutes (not that I was timing myself!) I managed to
- snap at my pastor
- stomp out of chapel (with 200+ students watching)
- kvetch to several fellow teachers
- rebuff my husband’s offer of help
- pitch a fit in my vice principal’s office
And only then did I realize: I was wrong.
I thought I’d heard Pastor Jeff say that half of my AP students were going to miss class that very morning.
What he was trying tell me was that several would miss class the next day, which I already knew and was prepared for.
I suddenly owed a host of apologies, private and public.
So much damage in so little time!
What Went Wrong?
For days after this happened, I wondered What went wrong with my hearing? Why did I hear Pastor Jeff say one thing when he actually said another?
And I finally realized a very unflattering truth: I’d heard what I wanted to hear. I’d wanted to hear that my AP students were about to miss class again.
I’d been ready and waiting to pick a fight.
Throughout the school year, I’d complained bitterly–to students, to staff, to my husband, I wasn’t picky!–about how much class time my AP students were missing.
What I’d not done was request a meeting with my administrators for a session of problem-solving.
So what went wrong?
I went wrong.
I went for complaining when I should have gone for problem-solving.
Complaining is…
…making energetic statements focused on the problem at hand rather than the resolution sought
- to the wrong person
- at the wrong place
- at the wrong time
- in the wrong manner
Performing an autopsy on my embarrassing melt-down, did I choose the
- wrong person? Check. Pastor Jeff doesn’t make decisions about academics or student trips.
- wrong place? Double-check. Showing such flagrant disrespect to a fellow staff member in front of all the students goes down as one of my lowest moments in two decades of teaching.
- wrong time? Oh yeah. The purpose of our morning chapel is to draw us together in praise to and worship of God.
- wrong manner? Ya think? A grown adult throwing a full-out temper tantrum is embarrassing to all.
Problem-Solving is…
…talking directly and only to the person who can solve the problem (Click to Tweet this.)
- at the right place
- at the right time
- in the right manner
Only in analyzing this highly public episode did I realize how frustrated I was about my AP students missing so much class.
Instead of setting an appointment to talk with my administrators, I’d “vented” about it all year, thinking I was “getting it out of my system.”
NOT!
(We’ll talk about the myth of “cathartic complaining” later this week!)
Not only had my complaining been completely inappropriate, but it disguised itself as an actual solution:
- Just rant to your students a bit; you’ll feel much better! (Plus, they laugh when you’re sarcastic!)
- Tell Daniel about how far behind you are with your curriculum; that’ll fix it!
- Commiserate with the AP History teacher; you both know how right you are!
Complaining made me feel better in the moment, but it was really like dabbing concealer on an angry infected zit.
(I’ll leave the rest of that analogy up to your imagination!)
The Right Way
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life…
Philippians 2:14-16a
Reflect and Respond
- What does Philippians 2:14-16a say to you today?
- What problem-solving skill do you want to focus on during The PURSE-onality Challenge?
Not just the right person, but the other ones, too – right time, right place, right manner – which varies. Not what *I* think I want or need in my anger, but what *they* need to be a useful conversation…
Deep breath…smile..go …be happy in all you do…will complaining really solve the problem…no Gods love and his reward should be our focus.
Complaining at work or about my job or complaining about people I work with…
That is my goal to stop doing for the challenge …
WOW I really could giving you so many times I do this…I am afraid of confrontation, except when it comes to my hubby and girls. So I confront them (pitch a fit, big ol hissy fit) and complain, complain complain about ALL who has wronged me over and over and over again I still feel abused, and unhappy and my poor family is rung out by it all.
I often recall a particular situation in which I made an idiot out of myself over a situation that could have been handled much differently. This particular situation left me flustered, mad, frustrated, acting inappropriately in front of my children, only to find myself fallen on my face (literally, I tripped and fell on my face) a few hours later. Talk about getting my attention. Had I focused on “do everything without complaining or arguing” I may have been able to see the situation clearly and objectively, rather than becoming defensive and feeling the strong need to right a wrong. Not only will be shine like stars in the universe – be a good witness to the unsaved, we will keep ourselves from making fools out of ourselves and feeling the regret for foolish actions. 😉
I am a complainer, there I said it….. WHEW!! Do everything without complaining, that really means EVERYTHING, huh? Well – I’ve got some work to do, I don’t necessarily complain out loud, but grumble and moan to myself, therefore I HEAR it in my HEART…..WOW – I think this is gonna be a good challenge. Our sermon Sunday was about Conflict Resolution (problem solving), and something that struck me was when my pastor said that we can control the whole conversation with the tone or volume of our voice. I tend to be a yeller, which is a terrible trait, I know! I want to work on that skill!!!
God put this challenge in my path for a reason! He put the words on your heart to speak to me today! I am so guilty of complaining! I need to realize how blessed I truly am, and show gratitude for those blessings!!!
-Darla
Definitely hit me!I use a lot of complaining and sarcasm to “vent” only for relationships and misunderstandings to worsen instead of getting better. Tis very reason is why I am taking part of the challenge!
-Iris
I think I avoid problem solving because I don’t like conflict. To solve a problem youo have to confront the situation or person…ahem…very difficult for me. I’d rather just complain and act like nothing’s wrong. Which of course doesn’t solve anything.
According to this verse, when you quit complaining, you shine!!
Complaining and arguing solves nothing. Nothing can be accomplished when you go on and on and you don’t listen. That’s effective communication. Also, complaining doesn’t fix the problem. It magnifies it. I agree to meet the source head on and do something about the problem. That is a problem I have but I took action today. This post was perfect for me today. Still got a ways to go though. Thank you!
Wow! Really? Do everything without complaining? Boy do I need this. I also need to work on my ‘tone’ of voice. Even if I am saying things that aren’t mean or ugly, sometimes my tone of voice says different. I am looking forward to this – I needed a wake up call and you gave it to me. Thanks!
Eek. Right place, right time, right manner… it should come as not surprise to me that my method of “problem solving” with my husband needs help… this post needs bookmarking, pronto!
Gosh, I needed to stop myself before the first comma! My first reaction was “BUT”… I think that my problem is that I dont look at or see a lot of the grumblimng I do as complaining. One of my prayers during this study is going to be that God opens my ears to my complaining so I can hear it and change it.
oh man, guilty! but mostly with my kids….eeeekkkk is that worse? 😉
Looking forward to being challenged….well, I may get carpel tunnel from all the band/wrist switching.
I am loving this challenge!! I am in a self cleansing mode right now and this challenge shows me all the ugliness inside that I need to bring to God!
I wholeheartedly agree with both posts above. My spiritual life has been very BLAH lately and in comes the complaining…very ugly…certainly not a shining light for Christ. Thank you for pointing out the need to start problem solving instead of complaining.
Ok, so this morning I’m reading this, and quite honestly, the first thing in my head was a line to an old Bon Jovi song, modified of course:
“Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame! You give COMPLAINING a BAD NAME!” LOL! 🙂
Seriously, you HAD to have gone through this in order to know SO much about this disease that infects us. Which makes it all the better because it’s not some disconnected person with some lofty idea… It’s REALITY. Thanks for taking the time with us for an entire month to help establish new habits, Godly habits. 🙂
~ Jacque Thompson
Thank you for being real! Thank you for being the voice of the Lord to our blinded eyes! We tend to justify our “venting”, but it really isn’t biblical at all!!! I absolutely want to be set free from the prison of negativity, and by God’s grace I am!
Love and Prayers,
Susan Acre