No Rescue Needed
(Check out To Love Honor and Vacuum, where Sheila Wray Gregoire has an excellent post titled “Trusting God When You’re a Natural Fixer” on the same theme as this one!)
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“But, Mom, this means I can’t go! It’s impossible!” wails Annemarie, tears coursing down her cheeks.
Five minutes ago, she was all smiles as we sat at the kitchen table to “crunch numbers” for the school-sponsored 10-day trip to Italy. As we calculated the number of hours she’d have to work to earn enough money to pay for the trip, though, her face fell, her eyes reddened, and she reached for the Kleenex.
Pain and disappointment can be effective teachers, I remind myself.
Don’t cave. No matter how badly you want to bail her out–for your sake as well as hers!–don’t rescue her. These are natural consequences; this kind of pain and disappointment is the okay kind.
“Chickie,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady and upbeat, “it is possible for you to earn the money. You’ll have to commit to working eight hours a day for all eight weeks of your summer break.”
“But I don’t want to!” she sobs back, throwing up her hands in despair. “I’ve been looking forward to having this summer off! It’s been such a crazy school year; I deserve a break! I’ve worked so hard. I want time for myself!”
How I hate seeing her tears!
I start to rationalize: She’s right; it has been a rough school year. I could offer to go half-way on the trip with her. That way she’d only have to work half as much. Surely that would make her feel better. I don’t want to see her hopes crushed. The Italy trip is such a great opportunity for her . . .
Pain and disappointment can be effective teachers. (Click to Tweet this.)
What vital lessons will I deprive her of learning if I step in to ease the current pain and disappointment? This is a great opportunity to learn how badly she actually wants the trip or if she’s just been enjoying the fantasy.
*****
Ten years ago, when I first heard a parenting expert declare that “pain and disappointment can be effective teachers,” my first reaction was deep rebellion:
No! I’ve spent my entire parenting life trying to protect my kids from pain and disappointment!
My own childhood included a number of instances of totally inappropriate pain and disappointment–emotional abandonment, verbal battering, physical neglect, and sexual violation–that caused me to define all pain and disappointment as harmful.
I had to realize that in my zeal to protect my children from the inappropriate kinds of pain and disappointment I’d experienced as a child, I had aimed to protect them from all pain and disappointment. As a result, I was raising kids who were accustomed to being rescued, even from the normal process of natural consequences. Learning to tell myself this kind of pain and disappointment is the okay kind has been a difficult but vital part of my growth as a parent.
As I’ve learned to “trust the process,” Psalm 62:8 has taken on new meaning: “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”
*****
I steal myself and quietly state, “Honey, it looks like you’ve got two very different choices in front of you–a forced alternative. You can either work all summer and go on the Italy trip in October or you can take the summer off and not go on the trip. I don’t know which choice is right for you; only you can decide that. I’ll support you either way.”
“But . . . but . . . “ she cries, her volume notching up to a whole new level, “it’s not fair! You said I could go! I’ve told everyone I’m going! It’s not fair!”
Ouch! I wince. The you’re-letting-me-down and it’s-not-fair defenses; both at once. I want out of this conversation. It’s more intense than I want to deal with. What’s the fastest way out? If we call Nana and Papa, they’d probably be willing to help . . .
Pain and disappointment can be effective teachers.
What will she learn if a bit of dramatics is all it takes to “earn” a trip to Italy? What are you modeling for her if you cop out so quickly? Don’t rescue her. This kind of pain and disappointment is the okay kind.
I look my daughter squarely in the eye and say, as kindly but firmly as possible, “Unfair? It would be ‘unfair’ if we’d misled you. But when we said you could go, we also said ‘as long as you earn the money for the trip.’ The numbers you’ve just calculated aren’t unfair …just really, really, really disappointing.”
Nodding dumbly, Annemarie buries her face in her arms. Still fighting the Let-me-make-it-all-better urge, I lean over to hug her. She stiffens–still mad–then relaxes, glad for comfort.
Trust in Him at all times, daughters. Together, we are learning that some kinds of pain and disappointment are effective teachers. Pour out our hearts to Him, for He is our refuge. We are learning to trust and find refuge in God.
Together.
What about you?
- How do you find yourself responding to the idea that “pain and disappointment can be effective teachers”?
- What life lesson are you learning together with your child(ren)?
- When do your children see you trusting and taking refuge in God?
- In what ways has your parenting journey been a catalyst for spiritual growth?
You can’t believe how perfect this timing is! We have two boys old enough for youth group camp this year. The oldest has been twice, we paid both times. We can’t swing it for both. So we told the oldest he’d have to pay half. He’s had a dog-walking job for a year now and earns good money for a 13 year old. He has saved a little but not as much as he could have. Well unfortunately he no longer has the job as of Friday because the dog’s owner is now working from home. So I want to jump in and say well its not his fault. Its not, but that’s part of life. Had he been more diligent about saving the last two months, I’d be more willing to make up the difference but this is definitely a lesson he needs to learn… But its going to kill me to watch the younger go off without him….
Cheri–this is just chock-full of wisdom! I’m glad you shared it. I have made the wrong choice several times with one of my kids, and other times I’ve made the right choice. In the long run, letting them feel the pain always works out better for everyone. I’m glad that others will be able to learn from the wisdom you have shared here 🙂
What an excellent post. I still struggle with wanting to bail out my 19 year old but I think I’m getting better, especially since my mom passed away and can no longer go around me to bail our daughter out. Thanks for the reminder.
Great post!
Great post! Thanks for sharing. GBU!
You are a wise and brave momma! Excellent!
Beth A. (OBS Group Leader)
What a great post. Thanks for sharing.
Powerful, exceptional writing. Your point resonates with me as a father. I love your clear, recurring theme–a learning moment through necessary pain and disappointment. Thanks for offering the link at Michael Hyatt’s.
So very timely for this mother of 4 girls who hates to disappoint them. But, it is true, and letting them learn from lessons of life while they are in my home is the best thing.
Thank you for reminding me. I will now be saying this “pain and disappointment in life are powerful teachers..”
Blessings! Thanks for linking up.
Boy did I read this at the right time, my oldest son has been dealing with some pain and disappointment recently and i so want to step in and rescue him!
Thank you for your post it’s wonderful, I found you on the Titus Tuesdays link 🙂
God bless,
Allison
Oh this is so good…
so good.
Thank you so much for sharing, and for linking up with Write it, Girl!!
Such amazing thoughts, Cheri! I think much of my motivation for trying to intervene in my kids’ lives is that thought that I can spare them from the heartache I went through, and it’s not true or right. They need to wrestle these things out with God.
I’m going to amend my own post so that this is featured inside it! Thanks for leaving the link in the comments!
Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum!