“My Ideal Man” & Other Marriage Myths
On Tuesday night, I shared a piece of my own high school writing with my girls’ group. I wrote this thirty years ago:
Cheri Lynn Elder
English II
“My Ideal Man”
The man I marry must really know me well and visa versa, so we can anticipate each other’s responses, know each other’s likely choices in a situation. We must be comfortable together.
He must be open-minded and accepting…and let me be myself. If he has any ideas of changing me once we’re married, forget him!
Communication is top priority. We need to be able to chat comfortably alone and in a group. When problems arise, we need to have the courage and ability to confront and deal with them.
He has to be responsive. When I surprise him with a gift, he’s got to smile. When we’re watching fireworks, he’s got to get excited with me.
He’s got to be sensitive to my needs and moods and be giving when I need a back rub, rose, or just an encouraging word.
He’s got to come from a similar background and have realistic expectations of me as a wife–I will NOT be a replica of his mother! Traditions at Christmas, New Years, Easter, etc. are important to me, and I want them to be for him as well.
I could write forever about my ideal man…I could also search forever and never find him!
Notice Anything?
I asked my girls what jumped out at them from my essay, and here’s what they said:
- “You focused totally on yourself.”
- “It was all about what you wanted.”
- “You were really bossy.”
- “You were totally controlling.”
4 Marriage Myths
My girls saw clearly what I was blind to when I wrote my essay: several dangerous myths about marriage.
- The focus of my marriage is me.
- Marriage is about me getting what I want.
- If I’m not getting what I want in my marriage, I’ll tell my husband what to do and how to do it.
- I can control my husband and, thus, my marriage.
4 Marriage Truths
Three short years after writing this self-centered essay, I met Daniel. In our more than quarter-of-a-century together, God has led (and sometimes carried…and often dragged!) me through life lessons that taught me these truths about marriage:
- The focus of my marriage is the work God is doing in and through both of us as individuals and as a couple.
- Marriage is about becoming the person God created me to be.
- If I’m not getting what I want in my marriage, I need to re-evaluate my wants, change how I communicate, and take responsibility for myself.
- I can learn to control my thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes … and thus my feelings and behaviors. I can not control anyone else.
From “Ideal Man” to Real Love
On the 11th, Daniel left a red envelope on my laptop, reminding me that we’d officially started “going steady” 28 years ago.
I thought back to when I was 15, so certain I knew everything about life and love. And I realized that my real man bears little resemblance to the “ideal man” I wrote about in my essay.
Clearly, at 15 I knew nothing about love. I had everything to learn.
When I was a girl, I talked like a girl, I thought like a girl, I reasoned like a girl.
When I became a woman, I put the ways of girlhood behind me.
Thirty years after writing that “My Ideal Man” essay, I think I know a tiny bit about love.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
But mostly, I know that I have so much more yet to learn.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:11-13 (NIV, paraphrased)
Your Turn!
- If you’d written about “My Ideal Man” as a teenager, what would you have included?
- What have you learned about love since you were a teenager?
- Anything else on your heart!
- Click to Tweet this: Four Marriage myths and truths you need to know
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I too had the white picket fence dream…. a loving husband, who was my prince charming. Unfortunately, he had a drinking problem. #2 worshiped the ground I walked on! That dream ended in a tragic accident 8 years ago. We had been married for over 11 years and would still be married if he was alive. Now my dream husband #3, a great provide,r who loves God, but has a hard time showing me how much he loves me….Last year, our intimate life happened 5 times at the most. No hand holding, no words of affirmation, etc I keep praying that I can remain strong that I don’t need the physical aspects of a marriage to be happy. God has carried me through..heading into year 3…..Can’t wait to be reunited with my 2nd husband! When we all get to heaven, what a day of glory that will be!
That essay is hilarious! At 15 I knew so little about boys. I didn’t have my first boyfriend til I was 17! I knew then that telling lie was unacceptable, but I still had a lot to leRn about love…and I am still learning at 40-something.
When I was younger, I had the idea that my husband was meant to fulfill my every need, “complete me.” Talk about self-centered. Into the marriage a little, what a rude awakening but a much needed jolt by God to show me life and marriage weren’t centered around my every need, want or beckoned call. It was about displaying the love of God to my husband and putting God first, my husband next and me last. I have an ideal man as long as I keep my focus on God and not look at circumstances or flaws.
Loved this! Why does selfishness have to keep rearing its ugly head?
I could not agree more! What a great way to teach the importance of managing expectations in marriage. It’s about we not me and, as you have said so well, “the work God is doing in and through both of us,” Great post Cheri!
I hopped over from Bonnie’s place and am now your newest email follower. Have a happy valentines day!
Great blog post today – maybe the most meaningful of all the ones I’ve read so far.
I’d love to win a copy of this book! Yeah, I think I definitely had an ideal man image…that no one could possibly live up to. Thankfully, after 10 years of marriage, I think my expectations of my husband are much more realistic now:)
I wrote a letter, too – and it was like a contract to me – and I thought about what kind of father he would be to my kids, what kind of husband he would be, that he would have a 7 day a week faith – and that we’d have lots of boys and one girl. My dad walked out when I was little – so this letter encouraged me to find a noble man, a forever man! I agree – it might have sounded one-sided but it sure helped me keep my focus!
And thank the Lord that we finally grow up!
I would love a copy of this book. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years but we’re becoming robots, just living day to day, raising the kids, no connection- nothing.
God bless 🙂
Oh, what a great post on truths of marriage! You said it so well. How our childish eyes perceive the world and love is so revealing. SOme cling to the faulty perception into adulthood with tragic consequences. Marriage is not easy, but we go with God. Sharing!
So interesting how our perspectives change as we learn more. 🙂 Thank you, Cheri. You have some wise girls. 🙂
wow at that age everything is about u ..I beleived someone would save me and
I would have a happy happy life .We would always get along snuggle b romantic
hold each other hand into the sunset. Happy Ever After.. Love and God Bless
Yvonne — Isn’t it appalling to see in black-and-white how “everything is about u”?!? No wonder my parents were concerned when 4 short years later we were engaged! Like you, I was searching for a savior, and when my husband turned out to be a poor substitute for Jesus, I was not a happy camper. So grateful, now, for the struggle that caused us both to draw closer to Jesus and, in the process, to each other!
Oh the dreams of a young girl! I can remember thinking that my prince really would ride up on his white horse and carry me back to his castle. I am so thankful that God is in charge. He opened my eyes to the ‘perfect man’ for me. There is no ‘one size fits all’. I have been married to my perfect man for almost 20 years now. They have been the most rewarding years of my life. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend.
Blessings!
Kandis — Oh, the white horse and prince and castle… so glad Disney decided to challenge that stereotype in Frozen! Congratulations on 20 years and your positive focus on how rewarding they’ve been! It took me far too many years to realize that my husband really is my best friend.
Oh, I had an ideal man essay too! I think my husband fit most of what I wrote, but also, he is SO much more! And I couldn’t really put a person in a box. And over the years he has proven to be the one God had for me despite our vast differences.
Shonda — This must have been some sort of “mandatory” assignment high school teachers gave. I had my English II students do something similar, and then I read snippets at the big senior-faculty party at the end of the year. So many of them were SO embarrassed even after just two years!
You’re so right about not putting people in a box. I look back at this essay and want to dope slap my teenage self for being so clueless. God knew what he was doing FAR more than I did, that’s for sure!!!
My Ideal Man would have sounded similar to yours, except I would have added in a foreign accent and that he must be rich! I’m glad I moved in from those ‘standards’…though the foreign accent would be great 😉
Alyssaz — LOL about adding a foreign accent and $$$! Sorry you’re shivering so much these days…I won’t tell you about my sunny 65 temperatures…or view of the Pacific Ocean out my dining room window… 😉
That was wonderful!!! I feel that I had completely wrong ideas of the man I was going to Marry when I was a teenager. Thank God he is in control and not us! Being married only 7 years, I have learned so much about love and am eager to learn more!
Krystal — AMEN to being glad that God is in control and we’re not! And congratulations on 7 years — that’s great investment. I admire your spirit of teachability!
I want to be a Happy Wife with a Happy Husband! We are married 17 years and sometimes it feels like having a roommate.
Janetta — Congratulations on 17 years! That’s a lot of hours logged, a lot of history laid down! Have you checked out The Happy Wives Club website? Lots of great free advice that’s MORE than worth the price! 🙂