Healthy Marriages Major in History (NOT Math!)
If you’re stopping by from Kathi Lipp’s The Husband Project Book Club, welcome!
Today I’m sharing a message that appears in Kathi’s The Marriage Project.
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Think about a high school math class: What does the teacher put on the board every day? Problems! What is the math textbook filled with? Problems! What do students have for homework each night? Problems!
And what is the goal with all these problems? Solve them!
In contrast, think about a high school history class. What does the teacher discuss in class? Facts! What is the history textbook filled with? Facts! What do students memorize for quizzes? Facts!
And how do we approach history facts? Do we try to somehow “solve” them? Do we try to change Independence Day from July 4 to, say, May 28? Of course not. We know that we can’t “solve” facts. When it comes to facts, our goal is to accept them, understand them, and learn from them.
So why do I say that a healthy marriage majors in history, not math?
Because one thing I’ve (finally!) learned is that no matter how I may be feeling at the moment, my husband is never “a problem”! He does not need me to “solve” him. “Math mode” simply does not work for marriage.
“History habits,” on the other hand, strengthen marriage. My husband is a living, breathing, walking, talking collection of facts. And he needs me to accept him, understand him, and learn from him.
What does this look like in day-to-day living?
Back when Daniel and I were dating, I was an expert at “history habits.” I focused on my beloved’s strengths and liberally exercised my bragging rights, telling everyone what he was famous for.
After marriage, however, I quickly slipped into “math mode.” Whenever things didn’t go the way I wanted, I switched to critical thinking, focusing on my husband’s weaknesses, trying harder and harder to “solve” the problem: him!
What might this switch sound like if a woman is married to a Popular Sanguine? While dating him, she might have written a letter like this:
Dear Mom & Dad,
I’m in love with the most WONDERFUL man!
He’s an incredible conversationalist. He is never at a loss for words; I sit and listen to him for hours.
Everyone invites us to parties, because he is so much fun — always in the middle of any crowd! And such a storyteller . . . he’s so expressive, he holds everyone spellbound!
I love everything about this man, and I always will!
After a few years of marriage, however, she might end up lamenting to a friend, over coffee:
Oh Karen!
I have had it up to here with this man!
You know the country song, “A Little Less Talk, and a Lot More Action”? I could so do with a LOT LESS TALK! The man is a motor mouth with no “off” button!
It’s embarrassing at parties — he always has to be the center of attention. He tells the same stories over and over again, never remembering that he’s told the SAME stories to the SAME people a dozen times already.
Will he ever grow up? What happened to the man I fell in love with?
Indeed, what has happened? What has changed? Nothing but her perspective. She’s stuck in “math mode,” focused on his weaknesses, trying desperately to “solve” someone she once vowed to accept.
One thing I’ve learned is how easily I can overlook my husband’s myriad strengths and fixate my attention on a few particularly annoying (to me!) weaknesses. When I get stuck in “math mode,” joy and intimacy are subtracted from our marriage.
Now it’s your turn! How do you practice “history habits” and purposefully focus on your spouse’s strengths?
