Grace for the Good Girl: Voiceless
“I was a good girl and I wanted to be a good girl, but it often kept me from saying what I really meant. In fact, my desire to be good even kept me from exploring my own opinion, and I grew up to believe that my opinion didn’t actually matter anyway.”
Seven years ago, when I began my MA program, I was assigned to write a “vision statement.” Unfortunately, I’m incapable of envisioning anything. When I close my eyes, I see darkness; when I dream, I see nothing.
So instead of trying to “visualize” or develop a “vision,” I closed my eyes and begin hearing voices.
For an hour, voices came to me: words and phrases that important people had said to me throughout my childhood and teen years.
Mother, Daddy, and John.
Kimmi, Marcia, Suzie, and Derek.
Grandma.
Mrs. Cornish and Mr. Vickers.
Ed (Eating Disorder).
I filled 10 pages with other people’s voices in under an hour.
Then I tried to analyze what I’d written:
I contemplate the voices I’ve been hearing for the last hour. Do they mean anything? Are they anything more than a hodgepodge of childhood memories? How is “hearing voices” going to help me write my Vision Statement?!?
Again, I scan what I’ve typed, looking for themes, patterns, a metaphor, perhaps. None of this is new; I’ve “dealt” with all of these stories (and many more!) in various counselors’ offices. More than once I’ve tried to leave them all behind. What is the good of revisiting these memories now, when I’m trying to move forward toward an MA (and perhaps a PhD), not slide backward?
And then it hits me.
I see something.
Actually, I see something that’s not here.
(First she’s hearing voices; now she’s seeing things that aren’t there . . . !?!)
I realize what is missing from this chronicle of the voices from my childhood and teen years.
My voice.
Where is my voice in all this?
It’s not here!
Frantically, I scroll back through the pages.
I must have just gotten so caught up in all the stories that I forgot to record my own words. I’ll just go back and add them in! Hmmm . . . should I add myself in between every voice or every other voice?
Stop.
This means something.
I can’t just go back and “edit” myself into this. What I’ve written, here, means something exactly the way it came out.
It means something, that I recorded all these voices — my parents, my brother, my teachers, my classmates — but not mine. It means something.
It means I didn’t have a voice.
I had no voice.
No voice.
Those blank spaces between other people’s words?
That’s me.
Voiceless.
The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.Luke 4:18-19 (NIV)
Your Turn
- Do you say what you mean or hold back? Why?
- In what ways are you “voiceless”?
- How do good news for the poor, freedom for the prisoners, recovery of sight for the blind, and/or freedom for the oppressed speak to you today?
Check out this link to the Introduction of Grace for the Good Girl on Emily’s website with great background information on the book, video trailer, and 1st chapter download for free!
I almost always hold back what I feel or want to say. If it’s something I would want to say to that person, I am afraid I’ll say it wrong (either thay won’t like what I say, or I won’t express myself the way I want to) or that they will challenge what I’ve said and then I won’t ahve a come back. But I don’t have problem expressing how I feel about it to someone else! ugh.
I tend not to speak up as when I do it feels like I speak too loud and try too hard. This verse really speaks to me. I feel that when I’m working with students, I do have a voice. Thank you for sharing your heart.