Filter Change
This morning, what struck me on my first reading of Psalm 51 was verse 3,
“For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”
So I searched for an image that would show the difference between how I see myself — messy, dirty, guilt-ridden, shame-filled — and how God knows me — clean, whiter than snow, pure-hearted, joy-restored.
The filters work on a visual level; there’s pretty stark contrast, there!
But they also work on an auditory level, too.
Oh, it’s easy for me to give intellectual assent to verse 17:
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, Oh God, you will not despise.”
Yes, I know that God sees me as “broken and beautiful.”
But when it comes to actually living my broken life, a cacophany of condemning voices remind me of my faults and keep my failures always before me.
I battle daily between two opposing desires.
On the one hand, I long to silence the voices. To hide…myself. To cleanse…myself. To make myself look and sound better than I am.
On the other hand, I value vulnerability, transparency. I learn the most from other Christians who share their struggles with me, and I aim to share my authentic self with others, “warts and all.”
A couple of weeks ago, the critical voices were at fever pitch. I’d just given four messages for a women’s retreat. By Sunday noon, I was exhausted. I felt that I’d followed God’s leading in preparing prior to the retreat, and I’d sensed His Spirit the entire weekend. But afterward, I just couldn’t get a read on the results — how had it gone? (i.e. How had I done?) My e-mail in box was uncharacteristically empty that evening…and the next day…and the next.
The voices of judgement grew deafening: “You think that sharing your ‘broken heart’ with the women is anything but proof that you are a total screw-up? You think you are even capable of being ‘contrite’? You are such a phony, a total fraud! Let’s review all the ways you f-a-i-l-e-d just in the days leading up to the retreat, let alone the months and years prior. What on earth made you think that someone as messed-up as you could possibly offer anything to Godly women? You should be ashamed of yourself…”
And then — praise God! — the filter changed.
An e-mail arrived from one of the retreat committee members, sharing about a woman who’d had a very difficult week at work and almost didn’t come to the retreat:
She returned to [work] on Monday in jubilation over her experience at retreat. She said, “I loved the speaker because she didn’t come across as one of those ‘Praise the Lord, I’m on top of the world’ kind of speakers. I just couldn’t have taken that at this time in my life. Cheri was so real and encouraging.”
I thought you should know. I know how the enemy tries to attack when victories have been won. I wanted you to know God truely worked in and through you.
The voice of the enemy tries to convince me that my broken heart is proof of my pathetic uselessness. (Click to Tweet this.)
But the Word of God tells me that He takes my broken pieces and rebuilds a new life.
Renews a steadfast spirit within me.
And restores the joy of His salvation.
***
There’s a businessman, there’s a widowed wife
A smiling face with a shattered life
A teenage girl with a choice to make
It’s crowded here in church today
And the preacher says as the sermon ends
“Please close your eyes, bow your heads
Is there anyone in need of prayer,
Oh Jesus wants to meet you here”
Cause we all fall short, and we all have sinned
But when you let, God’s grace break in
(Chorus)
It’s Beautiful, Beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Well he’d never been to church before
But he came today as a last resort
His world was crashing in
And he was suffocating in his sin
But tears rolled down as hope rushed in
He closed his eyes, raised his hands
Worshipping the God who can
Bring him back to life again
(Chorus)
And it’s beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Cause there’s nothing more beautiful at all
Than when His sons and daughters call, broken
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Come as you are
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Come as you are
(Chorus)
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Come as you are
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Broken and beautiful
Beautiful
Mark Schultz – Broken & Beautiful
From the album Broken & Beautiful
“Filter Change”
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