Episode #76: Retrospect — How to Be a Safe Person for Your Family and Friends

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Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules

Episode #76: How to Be a Safe Person for Your Family and Friends

 

Cheri

Hey, this is Cheri Gregory…

 

Amy

…and I’m Amy Carroll…

 

Cheri

…and you’re listening to “Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules.” The podcast that helps you lose who you’re not, love who you are, and live your one life well.

 

Amy

We are delighted that you’ve joined us for another installment of our retrospect series as we get intentional about living examined lives, together!

 

Cheri

So, last week we talked about building community, building a team. And this was kind of along the lines of the people that we get to choose in our lives. This week we’re going to talk about being a safe person. And this would be for anybody who’s in our life. So, I’m going to kind of let you go first with the line from your personal manifesto that falls under this category.

 

Amy

So, my line is, “I create a safe haven for family and friends.” And I was trying to think of something that rolled a lot of things into one ball. Primarily, I would say, keeping confidences and making friendship with me a place for grace, filled with grace for failures and mistakes. Those were the two things that I really kind of boiled it down to.

 

And I have to confess, especially with the confidentiality thing, that this is a statement of faith. This is a statement of where I need to grow. I have a friend who says I’m the vault, and I know she is. I have said that to people and I have been a big old liar. I mean to be the vault. I want to be the vault. I just have a hard time, with secrets. And it’s funny because if you told me a bad secret, I could keep it. That, I do, I’m serious about that, but if you tell me something fun. Oh my, gosh!

 

Cheri

Uh-oh. I shouldn’t have told you what I told you the other day, should I? How many people know that now, Amy Carroll?

 

Amy

Listen, I’m working on it. Because I went to open my mouth to tell a friend of mine the other day something that I had promised to keep in confidence, and I thought, “Oh,” I did my usual, “Oh, it won’t hurt anybody to, you know, kind of…” And then I stopped. I didn’t tell. And I … She goes, “What were you going to say?” I was like, “Mm. I can’t. I’m really sorry. When it’s public, I’ll tell you.” But I got to do better. I got to do better. I need to be the safe place. Those are true confessions.

 

Cheri

No, I love it. I mean, that’s so hard, though. It’s so hard not to tell. And if it’s good, then it seems like it should be…

 

Amy

Yeah.

 

Cheri

Excusable. Oh, dear. But at least…

 

Amy

But it’s not.

 

Cheri

When I do that kind of thing. I’m not going to put this on you, but when I do that kind of thing, I’m attention seeking.

 

Amy

Yes! Oh, no, no, no, girl. I’ve already identified my issues in all of this. I love having the scoop.

 

Cheri

Yeah.

 

Amy

What’s the … I mean, horrible, but, anyway. So, my faith statement is, I create a safe haven. And the whole grace thing, too. You know, I’ve just gone through this season, again, where my words have gotten me into some trouble and … But you know what? One of my friends, Holly, she came back, and I was agonizing over something stupid I’d said in this situation. And she goes, “Gosh, Amy, I didn’t even notice.” She said, “You know, I just trust your heart.”

 

Cheri

Oh!

 

Amy

“I know your heart and I trust your heart. And I didn’t even notice that you said that.” And you know, I mean, I still shouldn’t have said it.

 

Cheri

Sure.

 

Amy

That’s not an excuse. At the same time, how amazing and healing was it that one of my friends knows me well enough that I didn’t have malicious intent. It was just stupid, you know. And I want to be that kind of friend that just really is unoffendable, that just spreads grace over situations.

 

Cheri

Okay. Now, I’m feeling very convicted, because there’s just a handful of people in my life that irritate me. I may live with some of them. And could I actually look at them when I’m upset, and just say, “I trust your heart.” I need to work on that.

 

Adam Grant, in his book, Givers and Takers, he says there are givers and takers and then there is agreeable and disagreeable. And my favorite people are agreeable givers because they give, give, give, and they’re nice and flattering and conciliatory. And when I read that book, I realized my husband is a disagreeable giver. And he’ll say that, because he doesn’t try to make nice.

 

And he out-gives anybody I know. But you know he can, he can hurt my feelings sometimes. And so thinking about that in terms of but do I trust his heart? Yeah, I do. I do. He would give his life for me. He does all sorts of amazing things for me. It’s just when it comes to just the little social refinements that I care so much about and obsess over, not necessarily his highest priorities.

 

So, becoming a person who can honestly say that we trust other people’s hearts. And if we don’t, we need to probably re … if they’re chosen relationships, we probably need to-

 

Amy

Sure.

 

Cheri

Re-figure out…

 

Amy

Yeah.

 

Cheri

Our relationship with them. I like that. I like that. And then keeping confidences because I so … I love seeing people’s reactions. I love causing reactions. And so, that’s why it’s hard…

 

Amy

Yes.

 

Cheri

Not to share something I know. I love it!

 

Amy

So, you are a highly sensitive person.

 

Cheri

I am.

 

Amy

And you’ve written a lot about it, and you’ve talked a lot about it. But tells us how it kind of fits into this construct of being a safe person for other people.

 

Cheri

This is the line from my personal manifesto. It’s the second line. And I have it there for several reasons. One is I need to just constantly remind myself that this is, in fact, how God created me. It wasn’t a mistake. And I need the reminder that it comes with gifts, but it also comes with responsibilities.

 

One of the gifts is that I tend to be quite perceptive of other people’s feelings and experiences. And I can listen to what they’re saying, but I’m kind of hearing the undertone and recognizing when there’s a deeper story. And sometimes, I have to be really careful not to abuse that, whereas, I can draw somebody out. I can get them telling their whole story. When it’s in their service, that’s great. When it’s in service of me wanting to feel important, sometimes I can rush a budding friendship by going straight to so much authenticity and vulnerability that it gets to the icky place because we both over shared.

 

And then the other side is I want to be a safe person, not a high maintenance person…

 

Amy

Oh.

 

Cheri

Not a drama queen. That’s why my tagline is less drama more delight. I want other people to feel like they can invite me. I’m not going to be needing them to do 15 different things for me, because, after all, I’m a highly sensitive person.

 

So, for me, one of the most important things about discovering this and learning about it and writing about it and starting a whole community, sensitive and strong community. To me it’s been very empowering to know what’s true about me so that I can be the one to say, “Oh, I need to leave the party now,” or, “Oh, I need protein now,” or, “I need to pack …” It is so funny how many HSPs have to have sunglasses, lip balm, and a snack in their purse. Oh, and earplugs. We all have the same kit.

 

Now, there are people who aren’t HSPs who probably have some of those in their purse, but it’s like I have a survival kit that goes with me everywhere so that I don’t have to pester other people. Or, you and I have started talking about boundaries; do I have the right to tell somebody else they need to be quiet? Or should I take the responsibility to put in my earplugs.

 

Amy

Ah, yes.

 

Cheri

Expectations say other people should be quieter. Responsibility and boundaries say I will come equipped to make sure that I can meet my own needs for quiet or less noise or whatever it might be. So, for me, it’s been important that I be able to connect with other HSPs. God keeps sending me just an unending trail of women. It’s been so much fun to introduce this concept.

 

 

The retreat that Cathy and I were at the last two weekends, Cathy talked about it from stage, and then I talked about it in the personality workshop I gave and just the number of women who came up. I had one dear, dear 85-year-old woman come up and say, “I want to tell you what I learned.” And she teared up and she said, “I learned today it’s okay to be me.” You know, 85 years old.

 

Amy

Wow. Powerful. Well, and that’s safe. Like, yeah. You made a safe place for that. And that is so important. And it’s so important for our listeners that are a little unfamiliar with this idea of HSP is that it is biological.

 

Cheri

Yes.

 

Amy

That this is … It’s funny because I was talking to a young woman that I love dearly recently, and I said, “I think you’re HSP.” And she goes, “I think I am, too.” She goes, “But I’m just afraid that people will think I’m a little too precious.” And I think, yeah. So, to give people the understanding, no, this is biological. This is the way God’s created you. It can be a huge blessing in your life if you know how to deal with it. It’s so freeing. It’s amazing.

 

Cheri

Well, and precious is a great word. What I’ve seen over the last few years is about half the women who find out they are a highly sensitive person, they’re thrilled. They’re like me. Oh my goodness! This explains everything, and it helps me know what to do. The other half are like, “No, I can’t be. I can’t be.” And I’ve come to … There’s a short list, like precious or snowflake, weakness. Many families equate sensitivity with weakness.

 

And then the other one that I just figured out earlier this year is most of us know at least one narcissist who control the family or the circle of people. And a lot of highly sensitive women are terrified that that’s how they’re coming across. That if they really are talking about it or sharing about it or really taking care of themselves as a highly sensitive person, they’re going to be perceived just like the narcissist. And so, what I told them is, “Look. If you’re worried about being a narcissist, by definition you’re not one because narcissists never worry about being narcissists. They just do their thing.” And so, yeah.

 

Amy

That’s great.

 

Cheri

There is so much strength is … First of all, there’s freedom in knowledge. And the more we know about our sensitivity, the more we can work in the strengths of it. And so, yeah. All of that together is part, for me, of being a safe person. And it starts with me being a safe person to be around. I don’t want any of my friends to think they’re going to have to rescue me or suddenly take care of me, because I’m so precious. And so, that’s why it’s been so important for me to know what my needs are and take care of them. And then also help others learn about themselves.

 

Cheri

Head on over to GritNGraceGirls.com and click on new episode.

 

Amy

There you’ll find the transcript, and a free download that you can use as you pray-cess today’s episode for yourself.

 

Cheri

Come on over and find our Facebook group also. We’ll be doing some fun Facebook lives. Just go on Facebook and search for Grit n Grace Girls. You’ll find our page and our group as well.

 

Amy

Join us next week for another retrospect conversation, because an examined life is a better life.

 

Cheri

For today: grow your grit … embrace God’s grace … and when you run across a bad rule, you know what to do: go right on ahead and…

 

Amy ‘n’ Cheri

 

BREAK IT!!!