Unknown but Loved
It’s Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis, and the topic is “communication.” When I sat down to write my blog post, I’d planned to write about how my inner dialogue impacts our communication as a couple, but this is what came out instead!
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“Of all “the looks” my mother has given me through the years — delight, exasperation, joy, frustration, pride — I never imagined (and could not have possibly prepared for) the one she gave me yesterday: oblivion. Alzheimers has ruthlessly plundered my mother’s memory, stealing even the name she so carefully chose for me.”
This was my Facebook status update one month ago today. I’d just visited my mother, who has been declining for several years.
When I arrived, something felt very “not right” about Mother’s response to me. It took several hours to realize that she had not seemed happy or even surprised to see me; she had not addressed me by name or asked me why I was there or how long I was saying.
My mother had not known me.
I’d spent 44 years bemoaning that she didn’t really understand me, “get” me, know me. Now she really doesn’t know me. My own mother has never known me. And now, she never will.
I’d wanted, needed, expected so much more from her. I’d spent 44 years trying to re-create her in the image of who I thought my mother should be. I’d secretly believed that she could become the kind of mother who knew me, who understood me, if she really wanted to. If she tried hard enough. If she changed enough.
But I failed to change her, so I’ve spent four decades feeling unknown, unloved.
Daniel and I celebrated 23 years yesterday. And I spent far too many of those years trying to re-create him in the image of who I thought my husband should be. I not-so-secretly insisted that he could become the kind of husband who knew me, who understood me, if he really wanted to. If he tried hard enough. If he changed enough.
Failing to change my husband, I felt unknown, unloved.
A friend, whose mother’s memory is failing, posted this compassionate comment to my Facebook status: “My mother has been saying to me for several months, ‘I don’t know who you are, but I know I love you with all my heart.’ ”
I wept tears of hope while reading this, at first for my future relationship with my mother. Then I realized the powerful implications for all relationships.
How well do any of us know and understand each other?
At best, we know bits and pieces. We know what we can know; we understand what we can understand. We each do the best we can.
I finally understand, at a heart level, the futility of trying to change people. The best I can do now is to stop insisting that my loved ones know me – or more accurately, make me feel known and understood.
The best I can do now is recognize that even though my mother does not know me now, she has always loved me with all her heart.
I wish I could have done so sooner, much sooner. My chances to know and appreciate my mother for who she was — rather than for who she wasn’t — are gone.
But I have more chances with Daniel, and I’m determined not to waste them.
The best I can do now is learn to communicate to him, in word and in deed, “I may never know fully who you are, but I do know I love you with all my heart! (Click to Tweet this.)
What a moving post it makes me shed tears! It reminds me to connect more with my mom before she’s too old to remember me although the great distance between us doesn’t allow me to visit her more often. It also reminds me not to reshape my husband into the person I wanted him to be instead, I should fill him with love as the more I desire to change him, the more he would resist and the more bickerings. Yes, I need to focus on his strengths, not on his weaknesses.
Thank you so much for the nuggets of wisdom you’ve shared here and I look forward to reading more of your powerful posts at Marriage Monday. I’m overwhelmingly blessed! I pray for you on what you’re going through with your mom this time, dear Cheri.
WOW! I am in tears as I read this since I just lost my Mom to cancer less than 4 months ago. The thought of being “loved with all my heart” stands out! I know that is how my Mom felt about me. I also know that is how my husband feels about me too.
What a huge amount of energy we expend when we focus on ourselves and what we feel we don’t have! Too many times we can focus on that to where that actually becomes BIGGER than what we DO have!
I will pray for you in this journey with your Mom. Even though I have been a Believer for many years, losing my Mom has impacted me in ways I never knew existed!
Connie
Your post made me cry. Walking through my husband’s brain injuries I didn’t know if we would ever know each other again. We are walking towards that. I am so sorry for the loss of the relationship of your mom. I don’t have a relationship with mine, I won’t so I get your feelings. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Oh, you’ve made me teary.
What a beautiful, beautiful post, Cheri. This line is so poignant:
I don’t know who you are, but I know I love you with all my heart.
A few reflections:
I hear you, and I understand a part of you.
Our need to be known, loved and understood is God-given (1 Pet 3:7). It’s legit. But as you’ve discovered, trying to force others to meet our needs our way doesn’t work.
I’ve learned that when I pay attention to others outside myself (instead of obsessing endlessly over my own inner dialogue) then miraculously, some of those others respond in kind.
If we truly believe we are known, loved, and understood by God, then we can give from a place of fullness, not emptiness. That’s the secret. Giving not to receive, but out of an overflow. Whatever comes back is then an extra bonus; it’s like icing on the cake.
We can trust our husbands more too, because we’re not so desperate for love. When they fail us from time to time, it’s not as devastating to our sense of worth.
Our receptivity and trust bring out the best in others–and especially our husbands. When we expect good things from them, more often than not, they will rise to the occasion.
There’s no greater motivation for a man than trust. Men don’t want to be mothered, changed, reformed, or corrected, they want to be accepted for who they are. Once they are filled up with that, THEN they will change.
I loved your post, because it reminds me that my husband (and all men including my son, SIL, and father) simply need my honest acceptance.
Thanks for joining us for Marriage Monday once again, Cheri.
Blessings, e-Mom ღ
Oh beautifully written. What a story put together for us to picture… correction… what a season you are living through. The statement from your friend, that you connected to you and your husbands relationship has me crying. Oh thank you for sharing this treasure of a thought and I will think on this all day.
What a powerful, sobering account of true love that through pain speaks to the heart. My prayers are wtih you through this difficult time. Although my mom passed four years ago, as painful as it was, she was ill only one week and peacefully passed. I cannot imagine the daily battle you must be facing. Thank you for sharing the sorrow of missed chances, but offering hope for the here and now relationships. Prayers and blessings are with you.