{10 Days of Proverbs 31} Stop Seeking Strength
“She is clothed with strength and dignity…” Proverbs 31:25(a)
I’m simultaneously losing my mother to Alzheimer’s and launching my soon-to-be 21-year-old daughter into adulthood.
I’m struggling with both.
C.S. Lewis writes, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” I so get what he means.
And I’m disappointed in myself for being such a cry-baby and scaredy-cat.
You see, I’d hoped that by mid-life, I’d be a shining example of how to handle these necessary losses with the “strength and dignity” of the legendary Proverbs 31 woman.
Most days, though, I’m more like a poster girl for How Not to _____ (fill in the blank with “Parent” or “Teach” or “Be a Supportive Helpmeet” or “Be a Good Daughter”.)
I feel like the weak link at work and at home. I’m disappointed by my own weakness, at a time when so many need me to be strong.
One of my students recently shared his courageous testimony about losing his mother to cancer when he was in elementary school. He stood tall and strong at the podium, voice steady, words powerful, message gripping.
I wept.
In fact, I don’t think I’ve stopped weeping — inwardly, at least — and that was more than a month ago.
Psalm 46:1 says “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
The order is vital: first refuge.
Then strength.
I get it backwards.
In my Choleric frenzy for action, I bargain with God to borrow a bit more strength. And I miss what I need most.
I miss the Refuge.
I read countless books about parenting young adults and supporting aging parents.
But I miss the Refuge.
I go to women’s group and church potluck and staff meeting, seeking friendship and comfort.
And I still miss The Refuge.
The lyrics to Precious Lord–”I am tired, I am weak, and I am worn”–so describe me right about now.
Trying to do the “strength” thing on my own isn’t working. The stronger I try to be, the weaker I seem to get.
So today, I’m going to stop trying so incredibly hard to be strong.
“I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge…” Psalm 91:2&4(a)
Today, I’m going to seek Refuge. Which is, paradoxically, the only place to find Strength.
Oh sweet one! This is where your growth takes place. Right here, in this season. Without this season, would you be seeking such a refuge?
You have more strength then you think, my dear. 😉 It takes a woman of strength and dignity to recognize what you do right now: Your strength comes from the Lord. And though you may not see the strength- others do. 😉 Keep leaning on Him. 🙂
Cheri, your poignant post was very touching. As I was reading your post the idea stuck in my head that she is “clothed” with strength and dignity. It is not something that she IS, it is a garment that God gives her to wear. HE is the one who gives the strength, as all the other verses you shared confirm.
I’m blessed by what you wrote and look forward to the next 9 days to learn what God has for me through what you share.
Wow! My son heads off to college this fall. My parents are older and fragile. I soooo understand how you feel. AND being a bit choleric myself (like 90%), I tend to forget about the refuge. I just want to be strong.
Thanks for your post. I look forward to the rest of the series.
Thanking God for knitting 13 hearts and souls together for this journey.
Love and prayers for REFUGE,
Karen
You so hit my behavior the last week right on the head! Why do I get like this when I know where He’s taking me and that He always protects me and provides? That question/ the fact I am in a position to ask it is a sad statement on my faith.
This blog post is a true blessing on my life! I’m going to leave it up on my laptop until I leave work so I can reread it until it is solid in my heart.