Day 7: FREE (+ Reason Why #4)
Why We G.R.I.P.E.
Continuing our exploration of the 5 goals of complaining+ (via the acronym G.R.I.P.E):
P = Power
Complaining is a natural language for taking CONTROL of a situation.
You’ve seen it happen. Everyone in a planning group is excited about a new idea that’s gaining momentum.
Then the lone dissenter speaks: “It will never work! Whose lame-brain idea was this?”
What happens to the energy in the room?
To the overall atmosphere of the planning session?
Swaying others to agree or intimidating people to back down are classic Choleric “I’m-in-control-here” power plays.
Hi, My Name is Cheri…
…and I’m a Control Freak
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who tried to be good. I grew up knowing all the rules, and wanting to follow them.
I was a “good girl.”
By my freshman year of high school, everyone expected me to be good, so I decided to aim for perfect scores on every single Geometry test the entire year. With enormous effort, I pulled this off for two full quarters . . . until, in disbelief, I watched Mr. Vickers red pen mark -1 on my “perfect” test. I ran from the room, hid behind the gym, and cried for 2 hours.
Well, that minus 1 may have knocked me down, but I was no quitter. I decided what I really needed was a 4.0 GPA for all four years of high school. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate in being a GOOD girl?
A Very Good Girl
In my journal, that October, I wrote:
I’m expected to bring home good grades — nobody seems to realize that I DO have to work for them! They don’t just happen!
I’ve learned not to expect praise for anything I do, but somewhere inside me the little girl still drops a tear or two when it doesn’t come. I could let it get me down and just stop trying, but I still have to do my best for me — a hard taskmaster.
But, even though I’ve written all this, it doesn’t bother me a lot. In fact, I didn’t realize half of it before it came out of my pen! I live with it, though at times, I am just a bit wistful.
What started out as a personal challenge became a drive to “succeed” at all cost.
And I defined “succeed” as doing lots of GOOD things and being very GOOD at them: 4.0 GPA, yearbook editor, Student Body Religious Vice President, plus community volunteer work.
Secret Control
What I didn’t know at the time is that my family needed me to succeed — needed me to be a very GOOD girl. All I knew was that I had a secret, and it was driving me crazy.
My older brother had “confided” in me that he was doing drugs. Pot, heroine, cocaine, and others I’d never heard of. And along with all the sordid details, came the dire warning, “but don’t you dare tell Mother and Daddy!”
That day, I picked up a burden far too great for a 14-year-old to bear.
Night after night I lay awake, wondering if he’d come home safely or if we’d get a knock on the door from a police officer. Day after day for one long year, I struggled.
Keeping the secret didn’t seem to be what a GOOD daughter would do. Telling my parents didn’t seem to be what a GOOD sister would do.
I didn’t know what to do, and I had nobody to turn to for help. I felt so alone.
Finally, during one sleepless night when he still wasn’t home at 3:00 am, I slipped, and the truth came out.
My brother was so angry with me because I wasn’t supposed to tell! My parents were so angry with me because I hadn’t told them sooner.
In my journal that day, I wrote:
I really don’t know how to feel or what to do — I’m sort of dead to it all, now. Somehow it doesn’t effect me, yet it must; I guess I’m shying away from the pain as long as I can
And then, on a seemingly unrelated subject:
I’m starting a diet today.
The Control Trap
And did I ever get “GOOD” at that diet.
Over the next year, as the turmoil of my brother’s issues raged loudly in the house, I quietly lost pound after pound after pound . . . and proudly became thinner and thinner and thinner.
My periods stopped. My hipbones stuck out.
My entire focus in life narrowed down to being GOOD at this one thing: losing weight.
Well, I was so “good,” I was admitted to an inpatient Eating Disorder Hospital program with the diagnosis of Anorexia. Six weeks of therapy, assertiveness training, and nutritional counseling had minimal effect.
All I’d ever wanted was to be a “good girl,” and I was really good at this weight loss thing. And I was no quitter! I was not ready to give it up, yet — maybe once lost a little more and hit my goal (85 pounds) but not before.
Controlled to Death
One night, after a particularly rough family counseling session (“rough” because my counselor was once again pushing me to share my feelings with my parents, something a GOOD girl was not going to do!) I opened my Bible, hoping to read myself to sleep. In Psalm 18, I read:
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
This jarred me awake. I realized this was me! I was dying.
Anorexia was not just a diet. Anorexia was committing suicide…slowly.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help!
Really?!? There was someone I could go to for help? I was not alone? I was in “distress” and I could call to God for help?!
The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
God’s response was dramatic. He was angry, but not at me: He was angry for me! I read on and found that His version of “help” included lightning bolts, thunder, and earthquakes. I was WOWed! Here was someone I could trust to really take control of my out-of-control life!
Rescue
And on that day, 27 years ago, this last line read as a personal note from God to this wistful little girl who just wanted to be good enough to be loved:
He rescued me because he delighted in me.
Not because of my perfect performances, not because of my 4.0, not because I was Religious Vice Anything.
God delighted in me.
God delighted in me.
God delighted in me!
From Very Good Girl to Very Good News
(Can’t see image? Click here to download Romans 8:1-2)
The details of your life story no doubt differ from mine.
Perhaps, in your own way, you’ve tried to be a “good girl.” Good enough to be loved.
Whatever your “once upon a time” has included thus far, God, “the author and finisher of our faith,” loves writing our stories of freedom.
- When we give Him control, our stories no longer dwell on condemnation.
- When we give Him control, our stories celebrate belonging.
- When we give Him control, our stories overflow with the power of the life-giving Spirit.
When we give Him control, we will have good news to tell and re-tell: our stories of how Jesus has set us free!
Try this today
Leave a comment
- responding to today’s blog, and/or
- sharing your Day #1-7 experience of replacing “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude, and/or
- about anything else on your heart!
I am such a control freak in a house full of control freaks. Thank you for sharing!!
Control has completely run my life up until a few months ago, it’s exausting and very unfulfilling…….. what I relief to let go and give it to the Lord!!! Such an awesome journey this has already been, very much looking foward to the rest of this month!
Thank you for laying open all the details, painful as they may be. I knew some of the issues, but not all of the background behind them. One of my …um…selfish thoughts is “I could have been a better friend to that 16 year old Cheri.” Then I look at the whole of the Purse-onlity Challenge, and laugh at that thought. We were what we were with the facts we were given and the level of friendships we were given. I was dealing with many of my own control issues and growing pains. I chose to control mine in a different way. It is only through God’s wonderful grace that we are here and working on this challenge. I’m so glad that I have been released from controlling my life. God is so good!
So many things in my life have been out of my control so I find myself trying to control the things I can. It’s not healthy. Thank you for posting this!
Being in control….It wasn’t until my son was diagnosed with cancer that I realized this was something I couldn’t fix…I was always able to fix his car run a fuel line, fix a hose, talk to his teachers, leave money for him in the middle of the night, I could fix it all…But not this it was the day we were driving back from the hospital and all I could do was cry …and my son said “Mom why are you crying? you told me God is going to take care of me why are you crying?”….in that moment I realized God was in Control not me …it was time to give it all to him and believe…He was the only one that could fix this and he did …my whole life changed…I am so thankful for such a loving amazing God.
Awesome testimony! I think yesterday’s “forgiveness” and today’s “free” go hand in hand. Jesus has freed us but we can still act like prisoner’s because of our unwillingness to forgive someone else or more importantly ourselves. (We are our own worst enemies!) If we can truly surrender and forgive ourselves then we can really experience the freedom He has already given us.
Thanks for sharing. That is a very powerful story. I feel as if I need to be in control all the time, but I need to let that notion go and let and trust God.
Wow – this brought back some memories from high school! I took two years of voluntary summer school math so that I could take Calculus during my senior year.
Thank you for sharing your story. It has stuck home for me. I try to be super mom/wife and just last week my husband said you can’t be supermom for too much longer without crashing. Time to step back and readjust.
Just discovered this study today and WOW! This entry really hits home with me. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much for sharing. I too struggle with being the good girl, even now as a wife and mother. I go around trying to please everybody. While I havent struggled with anorexia, I decided to go the opposite direction and eat everything in site. As a result, I have horrible health issues to face. Thanks for your encouragement.
The day my son was diagnosed with a mild form of autism was the lowest point in my life. The pain was bigger than anything. The day I decided to leave it all to Jesus he set me free , very soon after that I stated seen improvement in my son. When we give Him control, our stories no longer dwell on condemnation. When we give Him control, our stories celebrate belonging. When we give Him control, our stories overflow with the power of the life-giving Spirit. When we give Him control, we will have good news to tell and re-tell: our stories of how Jesus has set us free!
I grew up in a house where my parents fought all of the time and when I was 6 years old they split up. My sister and I were split up too having to live with a parent and their boyfriend or girlfriend. It was so hard! My parents did reconcile and we lived together as a family again but life was not fun for me. I spent a lot of time by myself. I didn’t have friends as I tried not to be hurt anymore. During my teenage years my parents fighting got worse and my mom and sister were fighting all of the time too. My sister rebelled and the only things I could do were be a good girl by getting straight A’s, cleaning, and being quiet. God spared me of so many things while growing up. Many of them I have just come to realize in the past few years. Now after almost 39 years of marriage my parents have divorced and gone their own ways. I’m broken on the inside and the healing has begun but I know that it will only come with His help. I don’t want to be perfect anymore…I just want to be the best wife, mom, sister, and daughter that I can be.
Because my very young parents had enough troubles of their own, I learned early on that I wasn’t supposed to be any trouble or have any problems at all. This caused me to begin to live a double life as a young child – perfect on the outside, but completely broken and alone on the inside. I’m still working at overcoming my melancholy need for perfection. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story – our God is an AWESOME God!! Perfection is a trap that I’ve set for myself (or that Satan has persuaded me to set) time and time again. But, God DELIGHTS in ME – WOW, I needed to hear that today! Thank you Jesus!
Thank you for sharing your difficult story. I am so similar to you in that I strive to be in control. If only…I could achieve this…then….I often feel like a failure in my parenting because I can’t control my child. I know that is such wrong thinking. I am giving God control!
WOW!!! That is an amazing story. Praise Jesus for His deliverance. He is so good. I loved today’s post. Sarah
Thank you and God for your work,My Husband and I have been talking about the very same things stepping back and living a quite life.To much going on in this world that really distracts us from whats important …
Thank you for sharing that! It had such an impact on me!
This spoke to my heart. I just love that God can supernaturally use His Word to speak what we need to hear, when we need to hear it! (BTW, I looked up Ps 19 and it should be ch 18. Love those verses!