Day 21: HOLD (Hold Back, Let Go, and Step Up)

I sympathize with this “holiday issue” a reader shared:

“Every year, we’re asked about specific wishes, preferences, even needs. And every year, our specific wishes, preferences, and needs are completely ignored. Why do they even ask? Why do I still respond?”

Nothing used to make me see red faster than having someone ask for my input…and then disregard it.

Like asking me what the kids need for Christmas…and then giving them everything but.

A close second was when I give my input because the situation called for it…and it was disregarded.

Like when I’d clearly state, “The kids have had enough sugar for today”…and then I’d walk into the kitchen to find 5^th and 6^th scoops of ice cream being served to them under the excuse of holiday joy.

Hold Back

When words are many, sin is not absent

but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 10:19 (NIV)

Holding my tongue has been deceptively easy for me.

I thought I was more self-controlled than most people. What I’m just now learning is that I’ve been more of a people-pleaser than most people.

My tongue-holding wasn’t the result of spiritual maturity.

It was the result of stuffing my true feelings

And numbing myself with food. Shopping. Meddling in other people’s lives.

Let Go

True “holding back” isn’t about stuffing. It’s about surrendering. (Click to Tweet this.)

Confessing and surrendering my emotions to God.

My indignation.

My frustration.

My hurt.

My anger.

My dismay.

My “how-could-they.”

My “after all I’ve done for them.”

Evaluating and surrendering the non-deal-breaking circumstances to God.

The this-is-such-an-inconvenience.

The boy-does-this-ever-irk-me.

The I-can’t-believe-they’re-giving-me-this-again.

The clearly-nobody-listens-to-a-word-I-say.

The why-do-I-even-bother.

Step Up

And then comes the hard part:

setting boundaries.

Which I confess to knowing very little about, because this is an area in which I’ve tried the DIY method for too many years. God’s only just recently gotten permission to come on in and make changes.

I was listening to Lysa TerKeurst’s Unglued message today, in which she points out that peace and truth are frequently paired in scripture.

One is not complete without the other.

My so-called “peace-making” — without truth-telling — has actually been peace-FAKING.

Holding my tongue while lying about my feelings and lying about my needs has not been wise.

It’s not even Biblical.

Avoiding “Many Words”

I need to set a specific boundary before Thanksgiving rolls around.

My natural urge is to explain myself until I feel completely understood. Until the other person “sees things from my point of view.”

So right now, I’m working on surrendering my emotions about the situation to God.

And I’m praying now for the “necessary conversation” that is yet to come. That with no extra words, I will…

…state my need.

…explain my plan.

…listen.

…surrender my emotions about the situation to God.

Your Turn:

How do you tend to respond when your requests are ignored?

In what ways have you tried to achieve peace without truth?

Anything else on your heart!

Start your Holiday Ready Heart Journey Here:

6 Comments

Lisa Maria says:

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Once again Cheri, you have nailed this one for me! I can totally identify with the ‘stuffing my feelings’. Far too often I’ve been over-ridden where my children were concerned by my in-laws over the years. I simmered on the inside but said nothing because I hate rocking the boat. I’ve become a little better at speaking out, but there are still more times that I don’t than I do.

I am, right now,in a place of trying to surrender my feelings to God…and to forgive…some family members who did not even call (except for one who BBM’d her!) my daughter for her birthday, far less to visit her (I’m talking about my sisters and mom). I’m particularly disappointed since we always go out of our way for them, baking cakes etc. and visiting them and this was her SWEET SIXTEEN!! I have held my tongue and said nothing but I am seething on the inside because I know it must have hurt her.

Going to put your ideas into practice…thank you!

1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Lisa Maria —
  
  Oh, my heart hurts for you and your daughter! So hard when you have what you feel are normal, reasonable expectations and others let us down…or roll right on over us.
  
  I wish I hadn’t given up so long ago. Looking back, I realize that I kept telling myself “it’s too late to do anything different…I just have to live with this…” Very all-or-nothing thinking. “I’ve let them walk all over me, so now I can’t stand up for myself at all.” What I’ve learned (and am still learning!) in the classroom is that do-overs are possible. Not easy. Not pleasant. But possible. I’ll be making imperfect progress with my own family in this area in a month and two…
  
Unknown says:

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Oh, I feel as though this is speaking directly to me, about me. Thank you for putting things into perspective and giving me ideas of options as to how to not become bitter when things don’t always go the way we expect them to!

1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Bitterness, I’m finding, is the end result of so-called “people-pleasing”! And all along, I’ve been thinking that the end result would be, oh, peace…but not without truth spoken in love!
  
Lori A. says:

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I too am doing the Unglued Bible Study. Your devotion today is perfect – I think we are a very similiar when it comes to today’s topic.

1. Cheri Gregory says:
  
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  Lori — Our women’s group will be starting it in January. Can’t wait!