How to Know the Best Way to Help

I’m about to post this question to the women in a Facebook group.

What message do you most long to hear from someone close to you when you’re in the midst of pain, fear, and/or anxiety?

And I can hardly wait for them to respond.

Finally, I tell myself, I’m going to learn the right way.  So I can quit responding all wrong when it matters so much.

Scenarios in which I’d totally blown it come to mind.

The co-worker who had just suffered a miscarriage …

The family member who had been hospitalized suddenly …

The friend who had just learned of her husband’s pornography addiction …

I have a “perfect” track record — as in “perfectly awful.”

When I was younger, I used to try to say something helpful but quickly discovered that I had a knack for always saying The Exact Wrong Thing. So I switched to keeping quiet, assuring myself for decades that saying nothing was better than saying the wrong thing. But recently, I’ve become aware that silence sends a wrong message all its own.

I want to learn to do better. Not for the sake of being perfect. I want to offer words that help, not harm.

I re-read the question one more time, checking for type-os:

What message do you most long to hear from someone close to you when you’re in the midst of pain, fear, and/or anxiety?

1. You’re going to be okay.
2. It will all work out. It always does.
3. I’m right here with you. You’re not alone.
4. Me, too. I get it.
5. The Lord will provide. He always has.
6. Tell me more. I’ll listen as long as you need.
7. You don’t have to say a word. I can handle the silence.
8. Here’s enough food for an army.
9. What can I do? I’ll start with the laundry.
10. Physical touch (a hand squeeze, hung, shoulder/neck rub, etc.)
11. Other?

And then I hit publish.

Now, at long last, I’m going to learn the right thing to say!

The Unexpected Results

As the responses start coming in, I’m thrilled:

Woman A:  9, 10 + Can I pray with you?

Woman B:  1, 3, 5, & 9 (Does that make me needy?)

Woman C:  3

Woman D: 1, 3, & 10 for me

Woman E: #6 + “Tell me more. I’ll listen.”

Woman F:  3, 4, 6, & 10 … seems I need a lot of support.

Woman G: 6, 7 + “I’ll bring chocolate.”

Woman H: 6 — I need to talk through things to get to the end

Woman I: 4, 6, 9 + “I won’t judge or condemn you.”

Woman J: 3, 6, and 10. Crying with me is deeply compassionate, too. #___, while true, sounds like a cliche to me.  [Note: Other women specifically said they want to hear what this woman does not want to hear.]

Woman K: 4 and 10. I hate when people try to “preach” to me when I’m going through a hard time. That’s the last thing I want to hear.

Woman L: 1, 2, 5, 9, 10 then repeat … repeat again.

Woman M:  6. #___ doesn’t help me … in fact it sounds condescending coming from certain people in my life.  [Note: Other women specifically said they want to hear what this woman does not want to hear.]

Woman N:  Definitely 6. Just listen. Don’t try to advise or fix me.

But my excitement soon turns to confusion … then dismay.

Everyone is giving completely different answers. 

There is no clear “winner” … no One Right Way.

In fact, the very things that some women most want to hear are the exact things other women say they do NOT want to hear!

My heart sinks as I scroll down the Facebook thread.

If there’s no one right way, how will I ever know what to say … and what not to say?

Then I realize that the answer is staring me right in the face.

“What do you need to hear when you’re hurting?”

I’ve taught The Personalities for decades.

I know that different people respond differently to difficult circumstances.

Why have I been expecting a one-size-fits-all answer?

What might happen if we:

1.  Ask the people in our lives, “What do you need to hear when you’re hurting?”
2.  Write down their answers
3.  Refer to our notes when the time comes

Instead getting stuck in the One Right Way approach, we can become learners, inviting others to teach us what they need.

And … <gulp> … what might happen if we:

1.  Ask ourselves, “What do I need to hear when I’m hurting?”
2.  Type up our answers
3.  Give copies to the people who love us

Instead of expecting others to read our minds — and resenting them when they fail?

Let’s learn to ask in advance for what we know we’ll need.

 

A Tool for You

Here’s the link to a collaborative Google Doc titled “What do you need to hear when you’re hurting?“

Permissions are set so you can comment with new ideas for words you need to hear when you’re hurting — as well as actions that speak louder than words! (I’ll go in and make the permanent edits to the list.) 

To learn about your friends and family:  

Print and pass out copies to friends and family members, asking them to circle what they need to hear when they’re hurting & to cross out what they need NOT to hear.

To help your friends and family know what you need:  

Save a version of this file with your name. Highlight what you need to hear when you’re hurting … and cross out what you need NOT to hear. Print multiple copies to share and discuss with your friends and family members.